Open Mic: Suicidal thoughts

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   So sick n tired of feeling pain
Put this bullet in my brain
Suicidal thoughts, cyanide needle
Str8 into the vein.
Its so insane, the way Im feeling
Most of the time, just tryn too relax
as I spit this mother fucking rhyme.
Never been the type ta hesitate 
too commit a crime.
I was blind, but now I see, that there's 
Something good in me
Set it free, no more feelings of animosity.
It's like a toxicity, flowing freely
Gushing out from my fuckn brain.
With so many suicidal thoughts,
Its right about that time that I cease all my mother fucking pain.

*Bang*

Hook: 

See the sun all it does is show the scars and the hurt. Whereas, the rain washes away the pain and the dirt. Why should I put in the work, if I always wind up broke. Im done living this life of a joke.

Verse:

Im broken hearted, with shattered dreams.
Life aint always what it seems.
Listen ta the whispering winds, as it washes over me. Its so obscene.
Know what I mean? 
See these lines and read between.
Lets roll another bowl, high as fuck off methemphetamines.

*Shit gotta cut this short. Got a repo to go snag. I'll come back to this at a later date*

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Mikey425 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 07 January 2016 Location: Evt-City Status: Offline Points: 227 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-3-1 Form: LLLNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mikey425 Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Suicidal thoughts Posted: 07 August 2016 at 10:34pm
	So sick n tired of feeling pain Put this bullet in my brain Suicidal thoughts, cyanide needle Str8 into the vein. Its so insane, the way Im feeling Most of the time, just tryn too relax as I spit this mother fucking rhyme. Never been the type ta hesitate too commit a crime. I was blind, but now I see, that there's Something good in me Set it free, no more feelings of animosity. It's like a toxicity, flowing freely Gushing out from my fuckn brain. With so many suicidal thoughts, Its right about that time that I cease all my mother fucking pain. Bang Hook: See the sun all it does is show the scars and the hurt. Whereas, the rain washes away the pain and the dirt. Why should I put in the work, if I always wind up broke. Im done living this life of a joke. Verse: Im broken hearted, with shattered dreams. Life aint always what it seems. Listen ta the whispering winds, as it washes over me. Its so obscene. Know what I mean? See these lines and read between. Lets roll another bowl, high as fuck off methemphetamines. Shit gotta cut this short. Got a repo to go snag. I'll come back to this at a later date

Neek Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Neek Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 08 August 2016 at 12:36am
	So sick n tired of feeling pain Put this bullet in my brain Suicidal thoughts, cyanide needle Str8 into the vein. Its so insane, this is alright. I can feel the free flow vibe. I kinda wish you had a little more depth here. a bit straight forward. on a piece like this, its a good thing to go into why you feel the way you feel. and then get into the ripple effect of said ordeal. it builds and adds a certain intrigue. the way Im feeling ** Most of the time, just tryn too relax as I spit this mother fucking rhyme. Never been the type ta hesitate too commit a crime. I fixed the scheme here for you in a couple places. think of text as an exercise in hand holding. the easier you make it for the reader to grasp the more they will get into your words because they wont be trying to figure out where you meant to stop and proceed. put the breaks on the rhymes themselves unless its a transition like "just trying [to] relax" type shit. ya know? I was blind, but now I see, that there's Something good in me Set it free, no more feelings of animosity. It's like a toxicity, flowing free-ly Gushing out from my fuckn brain. With so many suicidal thoughts, Its right about that time that I cease all my mother fucking pain. Bang I liked the rushed tempo at the end. added a sense of urgency, but the pacing issue is that if youre dead in the first verse where is left to go? this is why you got to write layered and take the reader on an adventure. if its just a free-flow stress release, thats cool.. but save those. and use the raw emotion to fuel a full piece. not lines.. dont take your lines and just cut and paste..but save the energy..and come back when you have time to write. youll find that you get a more satisifying sense of relief as well as a very impactful piece. just some words of advice. I am by no means the gospel, but I do attempt to help everyone write better. Hook: See the sun all it does is show the scars and the hurt. Whereas, the rain washes away the pain and the dirt. Why should I put in the work, if I always wind up broke. Im done living this life of a joke. solid hook. a bit dark, but had an alright tempo Verse: Im broken hearted, with shattered dreams. Life aint always what it seems. Listen ta the whispering winds, as it washes over me. Its so obscene. Know what I mean? See these lines and read between. Lets roll another bowl, high as fuck off methemphetamines. holy shit dude.. outside of the meth reference, this was a bit more of how the first verse shouldve been laid. you give a sorta vague description, but also invite the person to come along. this second verse is how you should aim your writings going forward. nice style/structure and the vibe was inviting and less standoffish. keep writing tho Mikey, its an outlet that never leaves, only grows. goodluck bro.
	#Bananas

Mikey425 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 07 January 2016 Location: Evt-City Status: Offline Points: 227 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-3-1 Form: LLLNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Mikey425 Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 08 August 2016 at 9:10am
	Thanks Neek. Like I said I had too cut it short so I didn't get a chance ta fix it. It's one I started writing about 6 years ago. I found more pages after work today and realised its outta order. And the meth reference has more too it. Its part of a metaphor, Im not actually saying lets smoke dope. But I see how it would look that way. Once I finish it you'll see what I was going for. Metaphor didnt work. So heres that part with the next line Lets roll another bowl, high as fuck off methemphetamines. That's not my real life thats just a bit of fucked up shit I've seen. Thanks bro. Edited by Mikey425 - 08 August 2016 at 9:24am

Storm $hadow Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Storm $hadow Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 10 August 2016 at 9:16pm
	Neek has done the work for you man. I feel like the verse 2(but then, you cut it short and i didn't get to enjoy it) and the hook were better. And the 'fuck' word, don't you think repeating it too much could affect your work slightly?.