Open Mic: Another Day in Paradise |
Post Reply |
Author |
Rating: Topic Search Topic Options
|
Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 11 August 2016 at 3:22pm |
To be honest I wrote the first section years ago and never finished it. So I wrote the last 4 bars today to be a second verse and leave it at that. But then thought it sounded like something there was more to, so wrote the middle part to complete it. Fuck shots I play Russian Roulette with cocktails Blow my brains out in a way that the Glock fails Rails to my central nervous system and I'm feelin grand Track marks from the needles, swabbing with my healing hands Staring up at the ceiling fan, blowing smoke at the blades Cuttin lines up, waiting for the coke hit to fade Poppin Molly, tons of bags sitting in the lighting fixture Tempting cardiac arrest when I'm ingesting this frightening mixture ---- Another day, that means another roll of the dice Before I even take a piss, I pack a bowl with some ice The sun piercing through the curtains, lighting the dirt n Empty bottles on my floor, as I'm lying there hurtin I think 'I really need to bag that shit and throw it out ... But I need energy first, that's why I'm smoking now' Mouth is dry, eyes are stingin and I have the sorest head So I go to the store, wearing the clothes I wore to bed 'Time to get clean...' I pick up cranberry juice, the clerk is watching me I'm like 'I'm picking up some shopping jeez, not a lot to see It's not as if this bottle here is kept under lock and key' He says 'listen you thief, don't even think about mocking me' Says he called the cops cause I stole a pack of beer Shit now that he mentions it, when I'm thinking back it's clear High as fuck? No excuse, 'better exit the store' My eyes project to the floor and then I step through the door Fuck it. To the bar it is, time to drown my sorrows... I'll buy the healthy groceries when I'm in town tomorrow One more day wouldn't hurt, I'll savour the last of it Procrastination? When it comes to that I've mastered it I'm sitting on a stool, and I'm planning my life out 'Still gotta bag the trash but that would kill my buzz right now' Gonna drink myself to sleep, ease into sobriety But I've left it too late, it's like the Reaper is eyeing me The irony! Startin to feel like my heart is enlarged So I'm clutching my chest as I depart from the bar Breaking out in a cold sweat, and breathing heavily With my eyeballs throbbing, the pressure levels me I sink to my knees, and I question my life Then I wonder if I'll make it through the rest of the night With regrets runnin rife, I start to bargain and then... All the feelings fade away... Time to start it again! |
|
daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
First Verse - This was dope. The flow sped up quick. Your vocabulary was good here also. I liked the end rhymes and your multis alot. This was super clean in my eyes.
Second Verse - Bro, the opener here was nice man. Really on point with your content and this comes off very fluid with content and schemes. Im liking this drop alot so far. The realness comes off for sure. Drug verses are played but you keeping this up on a good note. Defo nice. The way you ended this verse was nice. good shit Third Verse - One more day wouldn't hurt, I'll savour the last of it Procrastination? When it comes to that I've mastered it ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ FUCKING AYE. This piece is dope. litteraly dope. Everything about this piece is enjoyable. This is reminding me alot like Frank from the Show Shameless. The vivid bars are sticking out alot man. Good shit Fourth Verse - Great ending to a great piece. Im giving this 5 bars for sure. I slept on you for some reason. Overall - Enjoyed every verse and the vividness was tight. This was very relatable on many different levels brotha. |
|
Storm $hadow
Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
The first segment was obviously focused on self hype. The opening bar came off really good with multiz to aid in your flow, making it smooth.
Second segment was very descriptive, nice. The curtains, bottles on the floor, etc but i got confused with relating the first segment with the second considering how you switched with the message(i was unable to find something that relate the first with the second). Your writing and rhyming skills are still in place. I got the picture of the third segment - 'The high as fuck'? Aspect was you thinking of the excuse you would give the cops for stealing but realized it isn't good enough so you gotta hit the exit. Last segment - Motives were clear from the start but again, i'm lost at the end of everything. Your flow went thorough, end rhymes were cleverly placed and wordings good. Could clearly see you're beyond average. Nice work man |
|
nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Wow
How this started I thought it was only about the thrill of being young and reckless but a few areas had introspective lines thrown in which gave this much more depth then I thought it would have,the flow here was nice through out the first section looked abit less tidy then the others Over all I enjoyed this a lot |
|
Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
That opening section was Ripe,liked the concept involving Russian
roulette and alcohol/shots,that was creative I thought,in fact the whole verse was good for me,and the slant you brought to a tired subject ended up being refreshing,you showed good depth and detail here also,I liked this piece,the tempo was good (better as the drop progressed) Overal,you also displayed some fine vocab with contents to boot,good work enjoyed the read..peace. |
|
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
|
Xces
Groupie Joined: 21 February 2015 Location: Vancouver, BC Status: Offline Points: 143 |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Now, not to say I've exactly followed all your shit, this is the best I've seen from you, the story throughout is well crafted and there are a decent amount of quotable bars. This in particular stuck to me.
" 'Time to get clean...' I pick up cranberry juice, the clerk is watching me I'm like 'I'm picking up some shopping jeez, not a lot to see It's not as if this bottle here is kept under lock and key' He says 'listen you thief, don't even think about mocking me'"
like for real Goryo..... the story you drew out in this is beautifully crafted. Well played. |
|
|
|
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|