Open Mic: [KOTM] ALASKA |
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Posted: 21 September 2016 at 3:33pm |
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It's cold outside so I throw on a sweater
Old and tie dyed holds up in the weather Seen better days few left but whatever Wear it till the fabric shreds like cheddar Get a new one when Santa answers my letter Ask an optimist they say never say never Alaska's the best place for...A dog sledder Unless your dogs a shedder...I'll do better Alaska has killer bud not bees fuck bugs Trash..ah don't stink big titties warm hugs Fast grub no bums small cities cold mugs Good friends bon fires free love and drugs Hoods send hoes to hot springs not tubs Decked out in matching hats and gloves Hard to check out that ass in snow pants Although we make do with a quick glance Who knew that chicks do a quick dance When their cold they don't run they prance Knelt down got froze in a dick suck stance Be there till it melts impression lasts Fresh snow hides guilt intentions masked Get the hoe a quilt and hot chocolate fast Thou most come trying to escape their past Not realizing that ice can reflect like glass They skate around the truth trying to surpass Get lost in the wilderness because it's vast Look Alaska is full of extreme contrasts I'm talkin forty below pitch black with snow 4 hrs of light For about nine months or so Than a total shit show melted ready to go 3 months of beauty Than back to normal Highest suicide rate depression is social The state bird is the finger... Flying solo But I fuckin love it here call me an Eskimo Edit: Reverted the changes which I made. Edited by Endeavor - 22 September 2016 at 12:23pm |
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Wasn't sure if the line limit was under or over 32...
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Alright bruh, line limit is 32 indeed. Also, I fixed your structure. This way, it's easier to pick out highlights and it's easier to read.
The part which is in bold made me laugh. The flow, with some hiccups is actually pretty smooth throughout. You could maybe focus a bit more on internals and multi's as for now the rhymescheme is pretty basic. But at the same time it does what it has to do.
Second line wasn't coherent to me. It feels like 3 statements packed in a sentence which sounds awkward. Maybe a way to improve this is to change the bar to: Alaska got that killer bud but no bees, cuz fuck bugs So cold the trash don't stink, need big titties and warm hugs This way the bar makes more sense and flows better. Just a tip.
First three lines actually flow pretty smooth, the last line completely falls flat because you don't follow the internal rhyme structure of the previous lines. This can be fixed in two ways. 1) Follow the same scheme in the fourth line or 2) Extend the length of the line so that it flows. Right now it stops abruptly.
Section here contained a filler, which wasn't really necessary and the line after it sounds strange. Now I imagine them prancing around instead of regularly walking. Come to think of it... Kinda funny too lol.
Interesting turn of events but I liked it. The very last line needs a rewording because in combination with the rest it doesn't roll of the tongue smoothly. The rest is actually pretty dope. I like it.
The contrast, albeit briefly elaborated upon, is actually pretty dope. The beauty of the landscape yet the suicidal rate because of depression due to the amount of sunlight has been worded pretty cool. I'd personally expand the lines a bit to put more emphasis behind the nice and ugly but as it stands, it works. The last two lines I did not like. Ain't Eskimo's just on the North- or Southpole? All in all, you got potential. My strongest advice would be to solely write on beats, expanding your lines while focusing on a bit more advanced techniques like internals and multies while making the whole thing coherent.
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#Bananas
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Okay, I need to tread lightly here. First off ty for the feed i hope I'm able to take what you said and apply it. Allow me respond to a few small issues right quick. The trash..ah was intened to rhyme with Alaska, and an Eskimo is a native alaskan. I wasent born in Alaska but feel as though I belong here. That's what I was going for with that line.now the hard part, I do not appraicate you taking librites with my line structure, I would have gotten the message had you simply stated that you didn't like the structure and shown me what you would have preferred. I wanted your opinion on what I produced not for you to edit an restructure my entire pice to your liking. In my opinion it now looks like one huge paragraph that I had nothing to do with. I would never post a verse in that fashion no matter who thought it was better, and further more I would never completely charge some ones structure with out their permission. I now find my post as hard to read as I'm sure this is for you. Please except this reply as my resignation from this site, I appoligize for any inconvenience my prsience has caused and wish you all the best of luck. Catch ya later HI-Z.
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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I'm sorry you feel that way, HI-Z. I do agree it would have been a better to decision to discuss it with you before altering the structure. However, I felt during the alteration that I was doing "the right thing." So I do apologize for the inconvenience which I have caused and I'll be more than happy to revert the changes which I have made.
Thanks for the expo's on the "trash...ah" and "Eskimo" sections. It does make sense to me now. Regarding the decision to leave the site due to a (wrong) decision of my part is quite unfortunate, really. With this decision you don't really allow any room for improvement from my part. I, of course, do respect your decision but I urge you to reconsider.
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#Bananas
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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I'll hang out, honestly you didn't say anything I dissagre with, and I know I can learn alot from you guys I'm not in the same league as you are. Thank you for your opinion no hard feelings keep pushin bro. Catch ya later
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Finally got round to feeding this..
Firstly I would just like to say that I quite like the structure here,for me each line has it's own merits,as the short lines say heaps,also each line seems to come off like a bar as they seem self contained, however I do feel Endeavor has a point,not so much in the structure, but by the multi aspect,because HI-Z that is the next step in your progression,but with that typed there is no rush to acquire that step until your ready,as these short lines are working well at this point, also if you where to add internals this would be a good leap to make, but at a price,because you'd have to go for longer lines,plus you'd have to concentrate on a concept,where here as well as your prior drops the subject matter you display has range,because your lines are not rigid,you have scope to move lyrically,hence the jump from subject matter in each line,which I do find refreshing,on the real, as for rhis piece here I must say I liked the subtle humour which you incorporated overall,I feel you did good here Rappin your city, or in your case state,I thought your wording was decent,yeah in parts your flow was forced,but even this was done well,so you do have versatility going on which I like,plus on the whole your drop doesn't stagnate due to the different directions it takes on it's course,I believe this to be a nice verse all in all,and I enjoyed the read,good work here..peace |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Just checked and you still visit the site so I'll drop some feed...
This was actually pretty cool (no pun intended) when you started off talking about the sweater I was like "here we go, guy isn't going to be on topic" but you actually surprised me a bit...I dug the opening 4 lines, the simile made me raise my eyebrow like "there's clearly something else here". In and of itself that was quite an insightful observation and that trend continued as you went through...use of imagery was subtle but poignant and quite cleverly deployed actually. You come off as someone who clearly knows what he's doing in that regard...and I actually really liked how you developed the drop, rounding off on the contrasts into "statement of facts" approach. The state bird thing made me smile, phraseology was pretty sweet right there. All in all I think you showed a high level of writing capability in an all round intriguing and enjoyable drop. Endeeze is right about the rhyming, that could be more sophisticated, but you do have a lot of sophistication in your approach already...I'd urge you not to lose that as you learn more, as it's relatively easy to learn rhyming structures but not so easy to learn some of the other tools you have already. Would be good to get your thoughts on some of the other pieces that have been submitted in the challenge too. As an aside, can see you took issue with Endeeze altering your structure, I've seem him do that a couple of times in the past with other relatively new guys and he's just trying to help you. Just thought I'd mention it... |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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you had some cool metaphors/similies here, but the flow for the most part seems relatively basic. you had a couple good multis in there, but I think you are at the stage you should focus on enhancing your flows in how your write.
don't quit the site cuz of one thing. at the end of the day you are the one thatwill get the most out of your relationship for the site,so sometimes you make sacrifices and just deal with shit. im sure he wont do it in the future. im not sure if its current format is how he changed it, or its original format, but I like how it is currently written in. keep writing.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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yo i actually like this. The short line structure made for a fast pace read. O f course doing this type o style one must really trim the fat and u kept only the bare essential. Dug that the imagery ran parallel with the emotion making the piece not only a sketch of character but a molding of landscape as well. And i echo Cuba in that some of the wording were clever little turn of phrase that was quite a nice suprise. There were negatives, mind you, that were well covered by End but,word, not bad, my man.
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