Open Mic: The Walls Spoke |
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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Posted: 23 September 2016 at 9:40pm |
So it seemed as if the walls spoke to me
Facing the mirror making sure that my nose was clean Sight blurry Eyes teary caused by a potent sting I recall listening to the walls whispers composed as screams 'We loathe a fiend' each whisper demoted me If I don't repeat the process of getting the snow in me I find no relief happiness won't belong to me What I long to see is what the powder stole from me Defenceless the depression in a moment peaked The walls became louder grinning showing teeth I couldn't tell the suckers chill even with frozen leeches They plot to expose my secrets I don't believe it You were the company Id go home to seek Now treachery says extra extra like a bonus leak How shall I take food from the oven teething To avoid my wife I have a dozen reasons It's good that she doesn't see it 'we loathe a fiend' The powder stole from me the love in me I barely go to sleep she likes bugging me She said 'your eyelids are swollen jesus Why you got rosy cheeks why aren't you close to me' Calls my mom like 'yeah he doesn't eat' So it seemed like the walls spoke to me Making threats like we will expose you The powder controls you irony my channels remote from me Wife says she's lonely walls say dope fiend I call my dealer a locks Smith I was like mo keys I looked at the mirror closely I took a line Before sleepin Throat heated then what followed was a nose bleed The walls said 'us expose you there'll be no need' I fell and was found dead they said he O.D'd |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #4 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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damn this was dope. the flow was easily catchable from the first couple bars. So it seemed as if the walls spoke to me Facing the mirror making sure that my nose was clean Sight blurry Eyes teary caused by a potent sting I recall listening to the walls whispers composed as screams This opener was the best section to me. really had me thinking. this was the first piece of yours ive read in a long while and I'm really impressed! this is some good work here. keep it up. good job with this one
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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So it seemed as if the walls spoke to me
Facing the mirror making sure that my nose was clean Sight blurry Eyes teary caused by a potent sting I recall listening to the walls whispers composed as screams 'We loathe a fiend' each whisper demoted me If I don't repeat the process of getting the snow in me I find no relief happiness won't belong to me (yep the flow here was solid,I liked how you opened this verse straight into the the story,the imagery you displayed here was nice,this piece had a.sense of urgency about it,a guy who's hooked and fiends for the snow,like an unquenchable thirst,like he has to be wired to be normal, to function even,shit the title of this piece was good,it kind of gave the impression (before reading) of altered realality,or of apparitions haunting him,,yeah I'm feeling this segment,a good spritly start..) What I long to see is what the powder stole from me Defenceless the depression in a moment peaked The walls became louder grinning showing teeth I couldn't tell the suckers chill even with frozen leeches They plot to expose my secrets I don't believe it You were the company Id go home to seek Now treachery says extra extra like a bonus leak How shall I take food from the oven teething To avoid my wife I have a dozen reasons (in this segment the realisation that the habit has control over him, rushing home to the habit rather than he's wife first,all thoughts are aimed at getting wired,and once he's wired he feels the betrayal, as if the walls are blackmailing him,urging forcing him to comply,or be exposed,the habit is causing the spiraling of he's life,with no end,this is a real good read here,I'm enjoying it truly..) It's good that she doesn't see it 'we loathe a fiend' The powder stole from me the love in me I barely go to sleep she likes bugging me She said 'your eyelids are swollen jesus Why you got rosy cheeks why aren't you close to me' Calls my mom like 'yeah he doesn't eat' So it seemed like the walls spoke to me Making threats like we will expose you The powder controls you irony my channels remote from me Wife says she's lonely walls say dope fiend I call my dealer a locks Smith I was like mo keys I looked at the mirror closely I took a line Before sleepin Throat heated then what followed was a nose bleed The walls said 'us expose you there'll be no need' I fell and was found dead they said he O.D'd (loved the locksmith inclusion here to describe he's dealer,nice touch,and the imagery of the depths of which he has sunk into was Ripe,the flow seemed to ramp up in pace,and the conclusion was good,i liked how this whole piece was built up,and there's a subtle message here also,if you want to escape realality,drugs will help that,but death is the real escape,which you conveyed well in this segment,this piece was crafted well and also hit home,nice, real nice..) Overall a very enjoyable read,a topic that has been done on many occasions,but here there was a different slant to a tired subject here,it read fresh to me and the contents/imagery was Ripe,this drop even made me look over one of my pet hates in a rhyme,(the use of the same word on a frequent basis,the word Me,as each time when used it brought a different point and perspective,all that's left for me to type now is this,thanks for Sharing this piece,as I truly got a kick out of it on reading,great work and keep doing that nib rub..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This was a thoroughly good read, glad to see you posting again.
I really enjoyed the opening segment, it's vividly descriptive with a great and interesting scheme. The consistency of that very scheme is very well demonstrated, with a seemingly effortless tone to it. It was also enjoyable content-wise. As it's been stated already, your take on a somewhat more 'common' topic is a very original and also authentic one, making this a very interesting read overall.
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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nomed the flow in this joint was butter family. The schemes you held were fantastic sounding but even more is the level of which the actual words contributed to the content. That is strong work of a vet right there. Not only rhyming at a high level but making and continuing to add value to the piece through the words you speak. I thought the ending could've been done a little better but 95% of this joint was pure flame. I enjoyed the switches of an extra syllable and internals matching the externals. excellent shit bro
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emcee squared
Groupie Joined: 08 August 2015 Location: usa Status: Offline Points: 43 |
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Pretty Effing Ill, this piece.**
More broadly speaking, (perhaps an "assault-style")Someprettyniceaudioaround this place too; it's almost like greener pastures. %this Wall-Post could make a Letter To A Young Contrarian "cry" = .000000000000731, on a given day... Not taking into account Holidays, as these are now Weaighted towards the end of the Calendar.. Perhaps you should putt off writing & reading for a while; and also avoid other realms of media- be it video, sound, or "addictions" - both "tangibly physical" & "neurochemically psIchological"...and Al so those, which are not addictions at all, more like "perceived" inputs-- which (based on the narrative) thankfully seem to be diminishing... Commishioners and "Officials" often ironically remove conjunctions at the end of words-- so, where I'm tempted to Say this is "super ficial" Or "artificial" , it seems to become more real with each Passing Read. The Knuckles were So Dry &iffecteve, tht I often thought about a 50-50 Thanksgiving as Well! Or, until next time: BOOOOOOO |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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this was a great read.
so it was a pretty straight forward verse. A dude OD'd and died. Of course sometimes its not about the turkey but how its presented. This was dressed in some nice rhyming. I did cringed a little when u almost went excessive with the word "me" - ending in 4 consecutive lines. its no big deal as the flow made it move along pretty quick. What i liked most was the the little things like the convos with the girlfriend. The imaginary walls with teeth lol. great imagery. solid read here, my man
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
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Yo I'd like to appreciate all of those who left me som feedback word
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Ain't really got anything to add that ain't already been said - but I like it
Great verse.
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