Open Mic: Monster Squad

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Rude View Drop Down
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    Posted: 06 November 2016 at 5:30pm
So uh, this was supposed to be for a Universal Monsters Collab but the other person got lazy on me coughkonflictcough and another person was perma-banned and another person was indecisive. So I decided to kick a few rocks at their characters..

So it doesn't go to complete waste...



Rude - Dracula

If Gillman’s actin’ mischievous? He gets a waveless tank of prisms

With sonars pinging so loud, even the matrix breaks it’s rhythm

Frank is made in increments! But the most famous name that’s given

Is the doctor that created him, thus a shameful naked vision

The Wolfman’s howl is frivolous, the Lupus Dei’ll taint the system

I’ll make him Roll Over on a bear trap, and Beg to Stay in that positon

Jack the Ripper was insolence! It was my fangs that ate the vixens

I used to roam the streets of London and strangulate the wicked

Hypnotized the innocents, pierced a vein and drank the liquid

dragged the vagabonds to my lair and exsanguinate my victim

Call me Batman in a sense, cause of the pain at stake, inflicted

My life force is so moving, there's a change of state when bitten

The power felt is imminent, it's the strangest strain of sickness

the capillary thirst, amongst the most heinous stage of symptoms

prepare for the genesis!, as my greatest reign to witness

draining Helsing on his arrival, since he came to slay afflicted

Bram branded me as villainous, in his pages, blame was written

I bathed in blood that stained the mud, my ancient ways were twisted

back when I was militant, enslavement swayed the vicious

so they named me the Impaler cuz of the sadist strays I lifted

showing signs of vigilance, my changeless face has shifted

growing tired but never old, of all this ageless grace I'm given

now my story seen as synthesis, and my stasis wanes opinions

but you know Legends never die, so I just fade away in distance





I'll rtf if I haven't already.

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Nigma View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Nigma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 November 2016 at 6:23pm
If Gillman’s actin’ mischievous? He gets a waveless tank of prisms

With sonars pinging so loud, even the matrix breaks it’s rhythm

Delicious opener. Crips wording in last half of first line and the imagery in the follow up was well written

Frank is made in increments! But the most famous name that’s given

Is the doctor that created him, thus a shameful naked vision

Frankenstein just got his nuts twisted

The Wolfman’s howl is frivolous, the Lupus Dei’ll taint the system

I’ll make him Roll Over on a bear trap, and Beg to Stay in that positon

Wording carried the concept. Capitalized letters helped me understand it ;)

Jack the Ripper was insolence! It was my fangs that ate the vixens

I used to roam the streets of London and strangulate the wicked

Hypnotized the innocents, pierced a vein and drank the liquid

dragged the vagabonds to my lair and exsanguinate my victim

I learned a new word today.

Call me Batman in a sense, cause of the pain at stake, inflicted

My life force is so moving, there's a change of state when bitten

The power felt is imminent, it's the strangest strain of sickness

the capillary thirst, amongst the most heinous stage of symptoms

prepare for the genesis!, as my greatest reign to witness

draining Helsing on his arrival, since he came to slay afflicted

Bram branded me as villainous, in his pages, blame was written

I bathed in blood that stained the mud, my ancient ways were twisted

back when I was militant, enslavement swayed the vicious

so they named me the Impaler cuz of the sadist strays I lifted

showing signs of vigilance, my changeless face has shifted

growing tired but never old, of all this ageless grace I'm given

now my story seen as synthesis, and my stasis wanes opinions

but you know Legends never die, so I just fade away in distance

This was impressive for a number of reasons, most notably the consistency. No misses, great wording, moments of superior imagery, witty wording, great verse.

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 November 2016 at 11:34pm
Damn RUDE this was dope man, I loved it from the start you are truly a master of written veres. Honestly I think anyone including myself can learn a thing or two about structure just from reading this post. Are the bars short yea, which is very nice to see in a written form. Any one trying to progress as a wrighter should take note of this piece. It in my opinion and I know it's early for this, but this is my OM of the month i fucking loved it dawg, well done. #halloffame   
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 November 2016 at 3:08am

oh snap is Gillman really the name of the creature from the black lagoon? now that i did not know!

ha as a horror fan, this was so dope. Love all the universal monsters references

i always felt that you have to be at the very tip top of your lyrical game to execute a rhyme all the way through WHILE assuring cohesiveness and clarity. I think u achieved it here. With that focused style, u figure the wording would be off but this was solid pretty much ALL the way through. Only one line kind of made me scratch my head:

"he came to slay afflicted"

unless i'm reading it wrong, lol. But honestly that was ONE line and one line only that i felt was off and that is crazy impressive! One of the most impressive part, to me, was the implementation of wordplay, and still being able to maintain the scheme:

"cause of the pain at stake, inflicted"

And even sprinkled in some alliteration:

"The power felt is imminent, it's the strangest strain of sickness

the capillary thirst, amongst the most heinous stage of symptoms"

overall a great piece that was worth the wait. write more!




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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 November 2016 at 2:26pm
First Sammy, now you. I quit.

Bla bla dope, bla bla.

Fml. I got mad writers block.
#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Rude Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 November 2016 at 2:31pm
Thanks for all of the feedback, I appreciate it guys (also Hi, I'm not a dude but don't worry it's a common misunderstanding amongst forums)

Originally posted by Sammy Sammy wrote:

oh snap is Gillman really the name of the creature from the black lagoon? now that i did not know!
Only one line kind of made me scratch my head:

"he came to slay afflicted"
Gillman isn't the "official" name but it's a name that seems to be used commonly when referring the Creature from the BL.

also, you're right I did force that Afflicted line. But not just to keep the rhyme scheme, I sprinkled some other Vampire movie/tv show references in, and Afflicted was a Chronicle/Cloverfield (first person view shot) style vampire movie.

Originally posted by Nigma Nigma wrote:

dragged the vagabonds to my lair and exsanguinate my victim

I learned a new word today.


if you're talking about Exsanguinate, me too. lol I've heard it before in TV shows and never paid it much attention. But when the idea for this verse came up, that's the word that started the rhyme scheme.



Edited by Rude - 07 November 2016 at 2:36pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 November 2016 at 8:35pm
With the risk of repeating what's been said already, this was a very well written piece of art. I thoroughly enjoyed all the references, especially the Wolfman and Jack The Ripper one. I also loved how everything was relevant to the broader theme presented here. Thanks for sharing. Hope to read more from you. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote D-NoS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 November 2016 at 11:55pm
Holy hell..! 

This is dope stuff man. 

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