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Rude
Groupie Joined: 03 February 2014 Status: Offline Points: 243 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-2-0 Form: LWWL |
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Posted: 06 November 2016 at 5:30pm |
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So uh, this was supposed to be for a Universal Monsters Collab but the other person got lazy on me coughkonflictcough and another person was perma-banned and another person was indecisive. So I decided to kick a few rocks at their characters..
So it doesn't go to complete waste... Rude - Dracula If Gillman’s actin’ mischievous?
He gets a waveless tank of prisms With sonars pinging so loud,
even the matrix breaks it’s rhythm Frank is made in increments!
But the most famous name that’s given Is the doctor that created
him, thus a shameful naked vision The Wolfman’s howl is
frivolous, the Lupus Dei’ll taint the system I’ll make him Roll Over on a
bear trap, and Beg to Stay in that positon Jack the Ripper was
insolence! It was my fangs that ate the vixens I used to roam the streets
of London and strangulate the wicked Hypnotized the innocents,
pierced a vein and drank the liquid dragged the vagabonds to my
lair and exsanguinate my victim Call me Batman in a sense,
cause of the pain at stake, inflicted My life force is so moving,
there's a change of state when bitten The power felt is imminent,
it's the strangest strain of sickness the capillary thirst,
amongst the most heinous stage of symptoms prepare for the genesis!, as
my greatest reign to witness draining Helsing on his
arrival, since he came to slay afflicted Bram branded me as
villainous, in his pages, blame was written I bathed in blood that
stained the mud, my ancient ways were twisted back when I was militant,
enslavement swayed the vicious so they named me the Impaler
cuz of the sadist strays I lifted showing signs of vigilance,
my changeless face has shifted growing tired but never old,
of all this ageless grace I'm given now my story seen as
synthesis, and my stasis wanes opinions but you know Legends never
die, so I just fade away in distance I'll rtf if I haven't already. |
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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If Gillman’s actin’ mischievous? He gets a waveless tank of prisms
With sonars pinging so loud, even the matrix breaks it’s rhythm Delicious opener. Crips wording in last half of first line and the imagery in the follow up was well written Frank is made in increments! But the most famous name that’s given Is the doctor that created him, thus a shameful naked vision Frankenstein just got his nuts twisted The Wolfman’s howl is frivolous, the Lupus Dei’ll taint the system I’ll make him Roll Over on a bear trap, and Beg to Stay in that positon Wording carried the concept. Capitalized letters helped me understand it ;) Jack the Ripper was insolence! It was my fangs that ate the vixens I used to roam the streets of London and strangulate the wicked Hypnotized the innocents, pierced a vein and drank the liquid dragged the vagabonds to my lair and exsanguinate my victim I learned a new word today. Call me Batman in a sense, cause of the pain at stake, inflicted My life force is so moving, there's a change of state when bitten The power felt is imminent, it's the strangest strain of sickness the capillary thirst, amongst the most heinous stage of symptoms prepare for the genesis!, as my greatest reign to witness draining Helsing on his arrival, since he came to slay afflicted Bram branded me as villainous, in his pages, blame was written I bathed in blood that stained the mud, my ancient ways were twisted back when I was militant, enslavement swayed the vicious so they named me the Impaler cuz of the sadist strays I lifted showing signs of vigilance, my changeless face has shifted growing tired but never old, of all this ageless grace I'm given now my story seen as synthesis, and my stasis wanes opinions but you know Legends never die, so I just fade away in distance This was impressive for a number of reasons, most notably the consistency. No misses, great wording, moments of superior imagery, witty wording, great verse. |
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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Damn RUDE this was dope man, I loved it from the start you are truly a master of written veres. Honestly I think anyone including myself can learn a thing or two about structure just from reading this post. Are the bars short yea, which is very nice to see in a written form. Any one trying to progress as a wrighter should take note of this piece. It in my opinion and I know it's early for this, but this is my OM of the month i fucking loved it dawg, well done. #halloffame
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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ha as a horror fan, this was so dope. Love all the universal monsters references i always felt that you have to be at the very tip top of your lyrical game to execute a rhyme all the way through WHILE assuring cohesiveness and clarity. I think u achieved it here. With that focused style, u figure the wording would be off but this was solid pretty much ALL the way through. Only one line kind of made me scratch my head: "he came to slay afflicted" unless i'm reading it wrong, lol. But honestly that was ONE line and one line only that i felt was off and that is crazy impressive! One of the most impressive part, to me, was the implementation of wordplay, and still being able to maintain the scheme: "cause of the pain at stake, inflicted" And even sprinkled in some alliteration: "The power felt is imminent, it's the strangest strain of sickness the capillary thirst, amongst the most heinous stage of symptoms" overall a great piece that was worth the wait. write more! |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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First Sammy, now you. I quit.
Bla bla dope, bla bla. Fml. I got mad writers block. |
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#Bananas
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Rude
Groupie Joined: 03 February 2014 Status: Offline Points: 243 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-2-0 Form: LWWL |
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Thanks for all of the feedback, I appreciate it guys (also Hi, I'm not a dude but don't worry it's a common misunderstanding amongst forums)
Gillman isn't the "official" name but it's a name that seems to be used commonly when referring the Creature from the BL. also, you're right I did force that Afflicted line. But not just to keep the rhyme scheme, I sprinkled some other Vampire movie/tv show references in, and Afflicted was a Chronicle/Cloverfield (first person view shot) style vampire movie.
if you're talking about Exsanguinate, me too. lol I've heard it before in TV shows and never paid it much attention. But when the idea for this verse came up, that's the word that started the rhyme scheme. Edited by Rude - 07 November 2016 at 2:36pm |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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With the risk of repeating what's been said already, this was a very well written piece of art. I thoroughly enjoyed all the references, especially the Wolfman and Jack The Ripper one. I also loved how everything was relevant to the broader theme presented here. Thanks for sharing. Hope to read more from you.
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Holy hell..!
This is dope stuff man. |
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https://dnos.bandcamp.com
https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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