Open Mic: The 1349 Problem.

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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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    Posted: 24 November 2016 at 10:00am
I don't know why,but I had a dream about this disease and parts of this was in my
dream itself so I felt compelled..



Oh journal how my head weights heavy,with this entry I write,
as I hold the quill steady,in between flickers of a candle light,
as it dances with shadows,then tempts and toys with the night,
wishing I had wings,to soar to the heavens just to take flight,
when the sickening began is all vague,but death toll does rage,
ppl behind doors as if a cage,drinking water infused with Sage,
its a curse brought by a witch or mage,it has the name of plague,
the ppl live in panic,it can causes turmoil at sight of a mere boil,
the farmers won't do toil,on fear it comes direct from the soil,
June 1349 I recorded the 1st case,the blackening of body n face,
tried to find a source a trace,going round town like its was a race,
wrote to the Pope about this place,but in his reply sent just grace,
now the problem grows,affecting the body fingers toes and nose,
and ppl are crushing petals from a Rose,believing it in their droves,
this is truly man's worst foe,after 3-4 days it then begins to show,
infecting rich poor extroverts and meek,the outcome always bleak,
hoping its reached its peak,the end with hope is what we all seek,
the aroma of death like a veil reeks,and puss from open soars leaks,
ive since learned we're not unique,ppl from other towns passing speak,
where monks have become sailors,undertakers are now seen as tailors,
measuring up a wooden coat,monks home made rafts that don't float,
and now I fear my time is near,this my last entry before I to dissappear,
my digits black I have diarrhoea,at this point man's chances is unclear,


(p.s.Alice I haven't forgot about our collab,I will be in touch real soon..Peace).
    
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 November 2016 at 7:51pm
Well, great to see a new verse from you. 
I thought the topic here was interesting and quite different. I 'enjoyed' your very detailed approach in depicting the circumstances and also, to an extent, the nature of the disease here. You had some intriguing imagery here as well, like the 'death like a veil reeks' bit. I also really liked your initial concept here, the way you kept a consistent narrative throughout while incorporating the 'diary entry' approach. You also had a lot of content here. It's definitely interesting that you included parts of your dream into this. But I do think that sometimes, a too extensive depiction of a certain scenery can result in a form of repetition or lengthiness (content-wise), as this is not something you'd usually come across in the OM section. With that being said, I thought you executed your concept pretty nicely. A more thorough emphasis on multis could enhance the smoothness of the read but this was a nice, Crim. 

Oh and don't worry about the collab at all! Take your time. Looking forward to it. 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote HI-Z Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 November 2016 at 4:06pm
Nice piece, it came off very "poe". The way you told this story as a last entry in a journal was honestly a major success. I enjoyed your imagery as it shines for front. And is by far the most amazing part of this post. You absolutely have a gift for narrative works. I know your capable of posting quick written peices like this all day, and you have The skills to drop fire at any time. You know exactly what could have elevated this piece and you chose to post it as is. Sometimes it's nice to read a simple work of art, Thank you for not hurting my head with an over complicated read bro lol, I look forward to seeing more of your work. The only thing I have left to say is, please post more!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 November 2016 at 9:14pm
@ Alice,thanks for taking the time to feed and read,your posts are always welcome,always,and don't worry about the collab, I will bring my game to
that for sure,as I know you'll inspire me..peace.

@ HI-Z,you hit the nail on the head,I was going to add metaphors and plays,
but I thought I should just drop it like I saw it within the dream I had,plus I
want to collab with you in the near future too, as I like the way you write..
peace.

Thanks guys...
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 November 2016 at 10:51pm
Oh journal how my head weights heavy,with this entry I write,
as I hold the quill steady,in between flickers of a candle light, 
I T WAS COOL HOW YOU STARTED WITH  THIS ONE, I LIKED THE WAY IT ELUDED TO A RECORDING OF EVENTS, IT’S A GOOD WAY TO GET PEOPLES ATTENTION, AS IT IMMEDIATELY SUGGESTS THERE IS MORE TO FOLLOW….INTERNAL RHYME GAVE THIS SOME EXTRA DEPTH TOO BUT MORE DEPTH COULD HAVE BEEN GAINED  AND VISUALS INVOKED HAD YOU SAID THE QUILL WAS A STRUGGLE TO HOLD STEADY IN SOME WAY…….WOULD HAVE TIED INTO THE HEAD WEIGHS HEAVY THEME………………….

as it dances with shadows,then tempts and toys with the night,
wishing I had wings,to soar to the heavens just to take flight, 
when the sickening began is all vague,but death toll does rage,
ppl behind doors as if a cage,drinking water infused with Sage,
THE SAGE INFUSION LINE WAS COOL, I DON’T KNOW IF THAT WAS COMMON PRACTICE BUT IT DEF HAD THAT LEGITIMATE FEEL THAT MADE THE THING FEEL BASED IN THE TIME PERIOD YOU ARE IN HERE…………………

its a curse brought by a witch or mage,it has the name of plague,
the ppl live in panic,it can causes turmoil at sight of a mere boil,
the farmers won't do toil,on fear it comes direct from the soil, 
YEAH THIS WAS GOOD IN THAT IT SHOWCASED THE FEAR AND HYSTERIA OF THE PEOPLE WITH EVERYDAY FOLK LIKE FARMERS SCARED TO EVEN WORK, IT NEATLY IMPLIES HOW CLUELESS PEOPLE WERE

June 1349 I recorded the 1st case,the blackening of body n face,
tried to find a source a trace,going round town like its was a race,
wrote to the Pope about this place,but in his reply sent just grace, 
YOU KEEP THE JOURNAL THEME GOING WELL BUT THE WORDING IS SUSPECT AND SUGGESTS TO ME YOU JUST NEED TO THINK A BIT DEEPER

now the problem grows,affecting the body fingers toes and nose,
and ppl are crushing petals from a Rose,believing it in their droves, 
this is truly man's worst foe,after 3-4 days it then begins to show,
infecting rich poor extroverts and meek,the outcome always bleak,
hoping its reached its peak,the end with hope is what we all seek,
the aroma of death like a veil reeks,and puss from open soars leaks, 
ive since learned we're not unique,ppl from other towns passing speak, 
where monks have become sailors,undertakers are now seen as tailors,
THAT UNDERTAKERS/TAILORS PLAY WAS VERY GOOD VISUALS MAN…WELL DONE

measuring up a wooden coat,monks home made rafts that don't float, 
and now I fear my time is near,this my last entry before I to dissappear,
my digits black I have diarrhoea,at this point man's chances is unclear,
 
I LIKED IT AS A WHOLE, KEEP WORKING BRUV


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 November 2016 at 9:11pm
Well, I have yet to comb through the other responses for solid confirmation, but based on what I read the sicknesses you described must be none other than the Bubonic Plague (aka "The Black Death").

In any case, I've always been a student of history and as such I really enjoy period pieces. Especially, when the time written about is filled with drama and turmoil for the sake of entertainment. Thus, what you have here fits the mold quite nicely.

Personally, I think you did a great job transporting the reader to a place of antiquity. In fact, you did such a great job that almost immediately I could visualize a London-like setting in my mind upon reading.

I think mechanically your rhymes were sharp and to the point. Given the intent of the narrative there wasn't really a need to incorporate much wordplay or clever metaphors, but rather focus on imagery and concise wording, which I feel you executed in a thorough manner, as there was little to no unnecessary filler present.

What's most impressive about this piece however is it's authenticity. Not so much in regard to it's historical accuracy, but more so in relation to how you were able to write from a place that seemed true-to-life.

Because of this I really felt as if your character was in the mist of a pandemic as he detailed his experience. As a result I felt as if I was there as well, viewing the events through the eyes of your creation.

Good stuff, Crim.

I enjoyed it!
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 December 2016 at 5:39am
ahhh shit, my niggy Crim in the building. Lets get that whole critique stuff out the way lol

So yeah, as other probably already touched on (i skimmed over the feeds so i don't cheat) but its obvious that the central character of the piece is actually an event - the Black Plague. I have to say, ur imagery game is on point man. Lots of vivid imagery - dare i say it was leaps and bounds above your last piece in regards to imagery. That dance with shadow bit was craaazy! Wish i thought of that one, no lie, lol

Love the idea of that couplet. Great vivid scene setting diction. I do have one major issue. Wording. Here's an example:

Oh journal how my head weights heavy,with this entry I write, 
as I hold the quill steady,in between flickers of a candle light, 

I think it should be "weigh" instead of "weights", right? At least i think, lol. There were some instances where i would just omit a word or so to make it flow better. Especially when excess words wasn't really necessary. here's an example of that:

the farmers won't do toil,on fear it comes direct from the soil

in that example, the wording read awkward. specifically the "the farmer won't do toil". I would just do away with "do" because "toil" in and of itself is an act of doing, nah mean? stuff like that can make a piece smoother and seem more polish. But again, ur knack for imagery is evident and u may have just hit on ur specialty man. Can't wait to read the next one! 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote S Dubb Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 December 2016 at 1:45pm
This reminded me of something you would find out of the Resident Evil game, lol....  you know like one of umbrellas scientist that where turning because of the t virus... pretty dope when it comes to creativity... I like how you took this journal entry as your last and you ended with uncertainty of your own life...

Your flow and rhyme scheme stayed on point and was well executed... The only thing here i seen is you could have used more multis, but other then that it went together very nicely...

As far as the topic goes you done an amazing job with imagery.... I could picture a guy ill, writting to leave behind something to let people know what is happening and like basically leaving fair warning....


"and ppl are crushing petals from a Rose,believing it in their droves, 
this is truly man's worst foe,after 3-4 days it then begins to show,
infecting rich poor extroverts and meek,the outcome always bleak,
hoping its reached its peak,the end with hope is what we all seek,"

^^That was the most solid part in my opinion.... like I said the end was nice to, but them bars just hit home a lot harder... Overall I rate this piece an 8/10, really enjoyed reading this.... Looking forward to more......... good work fam.....
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