Open Mic: A Primrose's Stalk

**This is a quick exercise and a humble, more direct attempt at a topical. So not sure how it turned out.

You're getting up from your wife in bed still petulant about the pile of texts

Why is it words like "petulant" never come to mind when I sit down to write a verse? I mean, I know the word, I'm familiar, and I wish I thought to use it (or something like it), but sadly I never do. Fortunately, I can read pieces by writers like you and admire what seems to come so natural to you. Anyway, I'm rambling. Let's continue...

I'm panic struck by your live request, 'fore we ending up as a trifle mess in your private den,  cherry atop the Cider smell,  why we got here, it's scarier than we like to tell,

Okay, a couple things.

1. What "live request". Also, since I have no idea what the request was, I in turn have no idea why you were shocked to begin with. *Although, I think you may be talking about some sort of unexpected sexual interaction, but it's a little unclear.
2. "Why we got here" reads a little awkward (imo). Perhaps consider using "how" instead. To me it rolls off the tongue a lot more smoothly.

Freuds' barriers are trying well  to keep our inferius of sides on stealth

I'll be honest, I had to look up the word "inferius"; I was unfamiliar. However, after doing so I was quite impressed by the imagery it conjured and how you married it with the Freud reference. Interesting combination to say the least. Intriguing.

But.. I dreamed of her the other night,  she seemed incurred - her clamoured cry's what's leading me to jot this line,  guess a Beast usurped our proper sight but no cheat occurs through talks on skype ..right?

Geez, English isn't even your first language, yet your command over its devices and vocabulary surpasses my own. Should I hate you? Lol

Anyway, admiration aside, your story is beginning to come to life now. I like the inquisitive interaction here. It makes me think about what I'm actually reading as opposed to just reading it with no thought invested.

till we feel no urge in stopping by  at each our firsts and foremost lies, far from just speaking words to smother sighs

Now that is poetry at it's core -- a tangible abstract meant to be reflected upon after much mediation (In my own head that makes sense).

- it started with a stalk at Madison's;  and I just walked its terraces its every corner's measured in  units that bore a pleasantness  sourced by your presence and  by every pity-fall I landed on and when I say I sought some betterment  it's only flawed affirmatives

I like the way you use your words to describe things in a way that reads vivid even though you didn't actually describe anything in a direct or concrete way. Yet still, the scene is set and I am in it. There is brilliance between the spaces in your writing.

I miss our hours.glass with milky grain of sands

Again, meditation is essential. Reflection reveals the genius.
 

our sessions with '86 Whiskey, acorn on grass doing manual wonders - filthy Play-Doh pals,  even the humble, "pretty .." basic chats and the simple, same old dance  above all - your thrilling train of thoughts,  I'm missing the late-stroll texts last drink-up calls and your payphone cheques  every transaction secured my haven's pass - Eurydice's return to her praetorian past

One thing I like about your writing is it's ever shifting and unexpected. You never take the bait or take the easy way out. There were moments in this segment you could have married ideas with obvious cliches. Instead, right when that seemed to be the case you switch directions and gave us new trains of thought to travel aboard, yet still kept us cognitive of the fact the final destination would be the same.

Also, you know I wouldn't miss a chance to point out a Greek or Latin reference tossed gracefully within the mix. The last line was like fine wine. Although, I'm not quite sure how "Praetorian" totally relates.

Note to self:  illicit conversation takes two to make  so neither you nor I can be truly saints

Loved the scheme and dug the wording.

only she's the victim in our mutual gain or so they say.. tubal drain of what's been induced each day until the fluid fades, thumb-sucking the u it gave  hoping it'll sooth the pain, cos the booze I prey tells me we weren't rudiments -  male muse entrée, mien of malheur on Woolwich Way.

I had to look all that up. I was convinced I was reading German for a second. However, if my translations prove correct then my understanding of the last line was pretty dope (for lack of better terminology).

Also, Alice, I mean no offense, but aren't you a woman? I mean, I always naturally assumed you were, due to your name and the fact I'm positive I've seen others refer to you as 'gal' or 'girl' or 'lady'. In any case, are you writing this from the perspective of a man in love with a women that is taken, or a women in love with another women, or is this some sort of strange 3-way affair that's taking place? I've been a little unclear on that since I started reading.

"Right away, you should've questioned it" "Ask me if I got dependents with.." I should've known better?  "The first talk's like a preemptive step!" I admire the pretentiousness  But since I left it with Aristaeus help - I'm lacking a sense of recklessness  you gave to my overly pensive self

I like the subtleties of your scheme. Your rhymes are not forceful or overly theatrical, they're calm, understated, yet intricately interwoven.

As for your content...

I could follow some of it, but not all of it towards the end. At times it seemed to take the leap from topical into more whimsical poetry although it remained grounded in a common-day theme. To me it was interesting and perplexing, straight forward, yet not. Some of it was obvious, while other parts needed to be decoded. In any case, it was intriguing and had many lines to admire, ponder, and ultimately absorb. It was a writer's favorite writer type of piece and a true pleasure to read. However, the "Aristaeus" part most certainly went over my head. Lol

Peace...

I don't always wanna do you a big break down...... Star to analyse another writers mechanics ......each do our own thing
Just wanna say this piece had something about it that made me think and says

love it!

Alice, your words carry weight and the way you told this story was beautifully designed and well written. To be able to be that honesty and open, or at least depicte those emotions is something that very few people are capable of. I have only read this once and normally try to refrain from posting reply's because I feel like I'm not qualified to comment on other ppl's work yet. But I felt compelled to at the very least say good job, i will read this again and try to come up with something more... Beneficial "for lack of a better word" to say. But please don't be offened if I'm unable to find anything "wrong" with this at all. Well done Alice, well done.

This was most definately an enjoyable read... I like the questioning of guilt and the thought of both having personal gain with only you 2 benifiting.....  As for your flow that you were questioning it was on point only a couple lines fell off, but as for an entirety the scheme stayed on point.... I only noticed a couple lines that fell off on flow....our sessions with '86 Whiskey, acorn on grass
doing manual wonders - filthy Play-Doh pals, 
even the humble, "pretty .." basic chats
and the simple, same old dance 
above all - your thrilling train of thoughts,"

Goryo. wrote: One example is the 'no cheat occurs through talks on Skype... right?' line where it was like you were trying to convince yourself about something you knew was wrong..

Yoooo that part gave me chills too! U can't practice something like that. Glad u pointed that out because that was perhaps the most powerful moment in the piece.