Open Mic: Amnesia |
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S Dubb
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
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Posted: 04 December 2016 at 6:18pm |
Feeling strange, outta place, awoke in complete Disarray... There must be a Mistake! Shit, Wait! What Is Today... In this Deserted Place! I'm dizzy, my mind's clouded and Entering Haze... Trying to Consider Ways this happened, yet I cant Remember my Name... Strolling to the Nearest Town, fighting to resist letting Tears Out... Contemplating on how I'm left battling with my biggest Fears Now.. I see citizens Grin and Act joyous as they Begin to Laugh... At this scrub I've become, full beard and not Even a Bath... I'm glad to give them Amusement from my personal Confusion... Mental Abuse With mixtures of past facts that feel like Illusions... Is my Life Fiction? Do I have family that I Might be Missin'... Headaches Strike with Tension as I try to Fight my Visions... I Find this Doctor that suggest somehow my Mind is Altered... Why do I Try to Bother false hope is all I see he Might Offer... I'm not Myself, Hypnosis! Feeling deceased like Welted Roses... Hell I Suppose I'm burnt up and put out like Herbal Roaches... As Defeat Approaches and I feel that all Else is Hopeless... My life proceeds to come back, received memory in Healthy Doses..... A quick keystyle to try to bring up a lil imagery, hope you enjoy... let me know what you think....
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yep this will do nicely..
Feeling strange, outta place, awoke in complete Disarray... There must be a Mistake! Shit, Wait! What Is Today... In this Deserted Place! I'm dizzy, my mind's clouded and Entering Haze... Trying to Consider Ways this happened, yet I cant Remember my Name... Strolling to the Nearest Town, fighting to resist letting Tears Out... Contemplating on how I'm left battling with my biggest Fears Now.. I see citizens Grin and Act joyous as they Begin to Laugh... At this scrub I've become, full beard and not Even a Bath... (first off this was well expressed here,loved the emotion that accompanied this segment,your portrait of a confused state was ripe,the constant uncertainty's and self questioning was vivid and descriptive,and the tempo was good aswell, even down to the towns populace adding a new level of inward torture,nicely done). I'm glad to give them Amusement from my personal Confusion... Mental Abuse With mixtures of past facts that feel like Illusions... Is my Life Fiction? Do I have family that I Might be Missin'... Headaches Strike with Tension as I try to Fight my Visions... I Find this Doctor that suggest somehow my Mind is Altered... Why do I Try to Bother false hope is all I see he Might Offer... I'm not Myself, Hypnosis! Feeling deceased like Welted Roses... Hell I Suppose I'm burnt up and put out like Herbal Roaches... As Defeat Approaches and I feel that all Else is Hopeless... My life proceeds to come back, received memory in Healthy Doses..... (this segment was also nicely played here,again with the details that so far have been an (if I should say) some what of an enjoyable read considering the topic,in this part there seems to be more emotion tied to some sort of realisation,or in an awkward way,coming to terms with this infliction he's has,and aswell as some slow recovery too, there is an odd inclusion that seemed out of sorts for me,(and this is just me being picky),the part about false hope?,can any hope be false?,anyways,this was well written with solid vocab coupled with fine imagery,a good thought provoking read for any reader.. Overall,a real ripe read here,plus an entertaining one at that,loved the concept,and schemes too,well done and thanks for a good read..shall be looking out for your alias from here on,in fact I going to give this a reread....peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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This was a pretty good display of storytelling if you ask me. Technically this was done just about right, what I mean by that is the way you kept the narrative easy to follow, peeps tend to overlook this in favor of fancy vocab and overdoing multies. You also managed to keep the neurotic feel going, poor guy.
As for criticism, not much really, it ended kida abrubtly, maybe drop a follow uo down the line? Anyways, good read indeed, keep posting.
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S Dubb
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
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Yeah once I dropped this and re-read it, I myself thought about doing a sequal to it, you know like how his life came back to him, who he was and what not.... There more then likely will be an after to this, and possibly a before..... you know after I do one of his return to memory, do a verse on what led to his amnesia..... thanks for the feed back looking forward to giving you all more verses as well, topical is my thing.... thanks again for the feedback and looking forward to more.........
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Great first showing, S Dubb, especially for a keystyle! The rhyming and word choice were clean and moved the piece along nicely. So this piece was clearly an introspective piece on one's predicament. Not necessarily the newest idea but, again, as a keystyle it was definitely enough to showcase the talent behind the keystroke.
"I'm glad to give them Amusement from my personal Confusion... Mental Abuse With mixtures of past facts that feel like Illusions..." that was dope. Now the only issue i had is a superficial one. Why do you capitalize some words and lower case others? i actually see that in a few work from others and never understood the logic behind that lol. Anyways, this was a nice surprise and lookin forward to seeing more of ur writtens, bro.
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S Dubb
Groupie Joined: 03 December 2016 Location: Cincinnati Status: Offline Points: 404 Crew: Alter Egos Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-7-1 Form: LLLLNL |
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I capitalize my rhyme schemes, where I want to show the multies or punctuate the flow more, give a little more emphasis to those words, you know....
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This was quite impressive for a key.
Technical-wise, everything was pretty straightforward and on point. The scheme you employed here was very clear and consistent, making for a smooth read overall. I can tell you're definitely not new to this. I also enjoyed the concept and how you incorporated a very visual narrative. The opening segment was the highlight in terms of imagery and display of emotional layers. The 'is my life fiction' bit was another stand out section. Good work overall, looking forward to reading more.
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