Open Mic: The Killing Joke |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Posted: 14 December 2016 at 12:23am |
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His hands sweat around the microphone, tightening his grip
Couldn't remember what he wrote, but now the lights start to dim He was the finishing act, never before was he upon a stage The crowd silences, his mind skips through every page Every word he wrote had vanished from his crippled mind He stood upon the sea of people, fear had intertwined Stuttering, stumbling... what could he say? He wasn't even small time before his career would decay He looked beyond the crowd and thought of both his wife and his son Unborn but still with him.. he'd be here in a month But then the crowd started booing, he was frozen in shock What came upon him? He tried being something he knows that he's not He put the mic to his face, and as the crowd stopped the chants "...I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any." The crowd went dead till someone yeld "what the fuck was that?" As they boo'd, a tear jerked into his eye, he ran to the back Slammed open the back door, fled through the rain in the night He collapsed in the road, lead out a sigh for his plight And on his way to his apartment, he saw his bedroom light flash ...on and off till he heard a thunderous crash Seemingly flying through the lobby, he walked through his door Furniture broken and blood stains were chalked on the floor Another tear rolled down, as he turned to the bed Seeing his wife with her eyes shut, a bullet in the head The room spun and stars flew, he felt light in the mind Blacking out on the floor, this was the life he designed... Not a week passes, funeral recessions have him weary Burying his wife and child won't have him thinking clearly Are you ever so alone that you just don't know? He attended his wifes funeral, the only one to show His wife had a job and all he had was a dream But she's dead and he's a failure, plus his record ain't clean Who would hire a joker filled with tat's and past charges? He was either gonna be homeless or go back behind bars, shit He didn't care, it wasn't his first rodeo His gun was meant for suicide, but now it's his only hope Loaded chamber and a red hood to mask his face He stepped foot in the bank lookin' for cash to take Seeing the fear inside the clerk, he yelled to hurry up Alarm buzzing, he knew if it wasn't gone, he's fucked He filled the duffel bag with green and tried to swiftly move What was better? Stolen cash or prison food? He was flying down the highway doing 85 Till he saw the sirens flashing on his side His wheels squeeked through the night rain... this weather seemed familiar All he could think about was her.. who would want to kill her? He couldn't fathom the fact she'd die in ambiguity Never knowing the killer had made him sick you see Not to the stomach, but the mind.. he was out of it Crossin' the bridge hittin' 90, hope he won't have to swim The cop slammed him in the barricade and popped his tire He climbed out the passenger, by now he felt the fire He felt so close to Hell... but what is odd about it all He wore a grin upon his face and simply laughed it off His sanity was reduced, but who could blame him? 2 shots fired at his head, the sheriff nearly faded him A chopper swarmed, cops in all positions of the bridge Pointin' every type of gun, from all directions towards him The sheriff stepped forward saying "drop the bag now" His smile quickly faded to a sarcastic frown He threw the bag toward the sheriff, but wasn't done yet Sheriff tried to grab the bag until the man had said "How did the joker cross the bridge without winding up dead?" The sheriff froze... the man said "I SAID HOW DID THE JOKER CROSS THE BRIDGE WITHOUT WINDING UP DEAD?!" "How?" "...He shot the sheriff in the head" He sent a shot into the sheriffs head, laughing hysterically The rest of them were stiff to the bone, only moving barely The man put his hands to the sky "that joke KILLS me!" Shots from all directions filled his body, he was chilling Numbing with pain, but also pleasure and joy He thought about the past week where he felt empty and void A failed comedy path lead him home to a dead family Up until the robbery, what kind of damn man was he? A broken one.. a shattered soul turned insane Plummeting into the water, only his smile remained Not the best of legacy's, but an interesting life he road A good man turned bad's what we call the killing joke |
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Red-B
Groupie Joined: 09 January 2014 Location: FL Status: Offline Points: 408 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-1 Form: NWW |
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Dude this drop is literally insane. I love the start of the record, how we get a look into his more normal life and just the struggle of people "not feeling" his traits. This driving him mad just to return home and see his wife dead. Had tons of twists in this shit dude kept me on edge reading until the end. I love this shit then the whole transition to going mad was smooth and speaking of that flow was top notch for a drop like this and nothing was forced what so ever. The cop chase scene was vivid and I could picture each scene that was scripted through these lyrics. I FUCKING love this drop dude. The ending was insane and the "joke" at the end was also a dope sorta pun on the whole thing. Great ending and honestly an overall solid piece man I hope this means you're back I miss you dude.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks for your feed dude! hope I can get back into the swing of things with this piece.
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afterdeath
Groupie Joined: 30 May 2015 Location: Earth Status: Offline Points: 216 |
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So he was trying to perform and got boo'd off stage
Then goes home to a dead family thats one streach in timeline or he has one unlucky shit life. He then robs a bank but doesn't get far. What a joke that sorry son of a bitch was. I'm glad he's dead You just made me dislike your fiction charactor. Very good writing skills, it is hard to tell a story so you get props. Looking forward to hearing your performance of this. Did you make an outline for this story or was it a natural flow?
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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yeah that was essentially the idea, he really does have an unlucky as fuck, shitty life. I had a little "outline" i suppose. I was inspired by the Batman comic "The Killing Joke", but i didn't want to make a topical about batman so I twisted it into my own version with a normal everyday aspiring comedian rather than The Joker. The concept is that an unemployed man tries to pursue a career in comedy as sort of a last resort. When this idea fails after he gets boo'd off stage for a terrible performance, he breaks down on his way home. On top of the already bad day, he comes home to find his family murdered. These 2 things are essentially what are supposed to drive him mad. Unemployed and alone, he robs a bank as a means of getting money, feeling he has no other option. His shift in character comes after he robs the bank. looking back at everything that's transpired in such a short amount of time, he "embraces" insanity so to speak, which is why he ends up killing a cop. So yeah, I had a back story to it and I hope it transitioned well with the actual lyrics. thanks for reading man
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Elite, this is how u tell a story. not only was the narrative mechanics tight but so was the writing mechanics. I think what separated this from a lot of story pieces was the atmosphere. the rainstorm. the comedy club. the home. you pretty much put life into everything described man. All the while, the setting parallel the character alteration of the protagonist. I liked that it wasn't just some random change, this was done with adequate reason where at the end of the read i asked myself....who's really the bad guy here? This poor guy or fate??
Another plus was that u didn't try to go too verbose. everything was told succinct manner, givin it a very honest feel. My fav part was the whole "i shot the sheriff" segment. It was very clever and worked well because of how well u created the character. really well done, man. no complaints at all. |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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THAT was EXACTLY my goal. That was the one real thing I really wanted to mirror from the comic into this piece. In the comic, The Joker goes from good guy to insane. You know he was originally a good person but then he ends up doing all this fucked up shit. In the end in his monologue you know in your heart that what he's done was wrong but you can't help but feel bad for him. That's the art of insanity
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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I really liked
this opener, it was a great description and quick build up to the moment but
efficient non the less.
Im digging this,
it has a good description as its happening and a great insight of what he is
feeling. Now i will say one thing working against you. I believe had you
introduced a name for the character it would help the reader build a connection
with him. Other part i didn’t care for was the use of mind twice, it really
stuck out to me. The rest of this was on point man. How you also introduce the
fact he hasn’t even made it small time, he is nothing, and telling us what he
is fighting for (wife and unborn son)
For this part (i
forgot to include the “joke”), the first thing i will say is, it would have
read smoother had the joke he said rhymed with the bars, at least end rhyme. Now
this is for audio so obviously there are different ways to approach it, such
different rang of voice. But then it was solid. You painted a good picture of
this guys being a little bitch and how his world begins to shatter. Nice job on
this whole section (minus the one line of the joke, which i critiqued above).
Ok this was a good
description of how he is feeling in regards to how he is feeling right before
the funeral and a great/sad way to show how miserable his life is, and how no
one showed, no one respects him. I do wish there would have been a small bit
about him dealing with the event instead of it lashing forward a week all of a
sudden, a little transitional explanations of how this affected him would have
been a great addition.
DAMN, this was
great, i absolutely love this couplet. Great job on this, solid solid solid.
This was dope, my
only suggestion would be that you added a bit of him going on his way rather
than him just all of a sudden being at the bank. You are doing a fantastic job
drawwing the reader in but that one part is simply missing from the picture you
are painting.
Loved this whole
part, nice description, i like how this is going along. Very smooth.
Cool insight of
what he starts thinking about subconsciously. The only down thing is something
that is text related, but being that you do audio, im sure this will sound
sweet on the mic. Im specifically talking about “he was out of it” “he wont
have to swim” you have that slant at the end, but this will come through as a
rhythmic rhyme (ex is snoop “1, 2, 3 and to the 4/ snoop doggy dog n dr dre is
at the door”. Rhythmic rhyme) at least thats what i call it...
Im excited to see
how this story continues. Here i think if you woulda added a transitional rhyme
would have made it extra smooth. Something that rhymes with fire in the first
half of next line (where you wrote hell). Now we start seeing more of that mad
side of the character, the joker image and what not comes into effect.
Im digging this,
the rhyming could have been better, but we are getting a solid description of
the picture. This guy is a savage tho. Now we talking,
this si what i meant, these quotes rhyming made it so fucking smooth. Im loving
how this is going. This is another
audio moment, in regards to the fact when i spit this in my head, im saying
bare-e-ly to rhyme it syllable wise as well. It was easy for me to read that,
but that may also have to do with the fact that i do both audio and text.
A description of
the cold lead or something wouldve been nice to solidify the chilling effect.
First line is dope
as fuck, such polar opposites yet he is feeling both. He crazy as fuck....nice
way to wrap it all up, i think a slightly longer multi at the end rather than
just the “ing joke” would have helped solidify this. It was still a great job
tho none the less, would have just brought it up a bit. Overall man, solid
job on this. It was a nice long story, we got a lot of incite and how his life
was so miserable that he eventually just lost all his marbles and went crazy. Its
got you feeling like, well of course he gonna die, what a bad guy and all...
but at the same time his life was so pathetic and just terrible that you feel
pity for him. You pretty much understand how he got so fucking psycho at this
point. Great drop, hope this become an audio, would be a super cool piece,
especially with the right nice dark beat. This shit could send chills up people’s
spines. This was heat,
look forward to your future drops! |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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thanks for the detailed feed man, glad you dug the story try putting more food in your reviews tho seriously
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This was impressive. I don't want to repeat what's been said already, but the last segment along with the scenery depiction on the bridge was incredible. I thoroughly loved your last bar, expertly conveyed. I also loved the way you portrayed the character, as it's rather subtly'fate' that's at fault. This was very well written. Looking forward to reading more from you.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Thank you for the feed alice!
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Well, this will be my first feed in ages. Glad it's this piece. You immediately captured my attention in the opening segment. I know everything of standing on stage, nervous as shit and then people not feeling your shit and completely disappear into the void of misery. The sad thing here is, his family would've picked him back up, speak words of encouragement and get him going once more. But now that that's gone, he plummeted even further into his void of misery.
On the surface it's quite a simple story but once you dig deeper it gets more complex, especially emotionally. The weird, yet perfect example of irony running its course here where a man tries to better himself but gets sucked back in to the criminal life. Well, that's what I got out of it anyway. You know when a story is great when you want to know more. How did he met his wife, what made him pursue a path in comedy (apart from the insanity slumbering in his mind). Yeah... I really digged this piece, Elite. |
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#Bananas
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Well I would of broken this piece down but senior Puente beat me to it,this was
some nice story telling here,loved how you built this verse up,the contents were simplistic but with a purpose and a certain clarity,and the truth is I'm happy it was, poetry doesn't have to be complex to be dope,simplicity works just as well like here, on reading this I found myself thinking how much you reminded me of Slick Rick,the man who is the master at storytelling in the hip hop game,pure class and original ideas for me is a true sign of a vet,and my friend that's what you delivered here,it was ripe from start to finish,the other thing that added weight here was the touched upon emotion,and the progression of this piece from dying on stage via fright and the deaths of his wife and child,to ultimately his own death,see everyone has an edge in their life,how we get pushed over it or fall off it is an individual thing that is unique to that person,and you captured this well here in this verse,well played, this just reinforces why ppl here see you as the most diverse member,just check out the LA nominations thread,utterly and truly worth anybody time to read,as the entertainment value is class,well done Elite,loved this fresh and totally entertain verse you dropped,and the kick I got from it is priceless.real ripe..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Endeez, crim.. really appreciate the feed guys. Thank you
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H4ZE
Standard Member Joined: 13 July 2013 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1859 Crew: eNtiTy Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-6-0 Form: WWLLLL |
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This shit is crazy man. Your story telling has come a long ways, you were very descriptive about everything so it was easy to picture every scene. So much was happening and it really kept me intrigued from start to finish. Cool to see you drop an OM again. Flow was dope, great wording for everything, and great story telling bro.
Dope shit. |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Aye thank you for the feed bro glad you got around to reading
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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What a written, however I'm going to address that I took a story (I heard) and wrote a topical verse and got banned! Granted it was in a tournament but nonetheless it was bullshit. I say that all jokingly but it is true.
On to your verse. This shit was b-a-n-a-n-a-s. Gwen Stafani style. You took the reader on the emotional roller coaster of the character while maintaining technique. I can notice (as far as technique) that your transition has an artist has come full circle. What I mean is, that your text used to influence your audio, now your audio is influencing your text and it has a happy medium. That's the full circle of creating a drop. Something that happened to me a couple of years ago where it feels effortless. Excellent work here... my favorite part was the joke to the sheriff. Thought that was really driving it home. Best drop from you.
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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You always been in my top 10 bro, so i get excited whenever i see you feed my work. Extremely happy with how the piece turned out and how it entertained you. I wanted to make a big impact on my text return, so i hope this did the trick. Thank you for reading
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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You know how when you watch a really good foreign flick that has subtitles and, after a while it seems like, although you're still reading the captions, you start feeling like you understand the language and, basically forget you're reading at all? Mostly it's because the movie is so well put together that you're able to follow everything that's happening or being expressed just by watching it, even though you technically don't know the language. I mean you're reading it, but it's sort of like you become fluent in it just by hearing it or like you can follow the plot scene-by-scene even without the subtitles. Now I said all that to say this: your story was so vivid and well put together, I nearly forgot I was reading. It was so fluid in its imagery that not only could I see it, but I felt like I was watching an actual movie. It was, imo, the lyrical version of a screenplay. A highly entertaining and thrilling read that was mechanically impressive and expertly executed. Top tier writing, bro.
Peace... |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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Yo really appreciate your feedback bro. Glad you enjoyed this one
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