Open Mic: Erotic Psychotic 2

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Goryo. View Drop Down
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    Posted: 26 December 2016 at 4:57pm
Fun fun.


I know that I'm crazy, but today I feel more insane
Walk outside it's pouring rain, I decide to board a train
Slap a damn computer out the hands of a commuter
Sittin opposite the hottest bitch, positive I knew her
Like 'baby I'm admiring you, I wanna ask you out,
But first I gotta know if you like doing ass to mouth'
She slaps me, I reply with 'bitch that's just the mildest shit'
She shouts 'you're just a sick fuck, dude, I'm with my child you prick!'
So embarrassed I sit down, the people stare at me
A conductor walks along like 'there's a nuisance, where is he?'
So I promise I'll behave, 'I'm on my way to therapy,
I'm aware I have a problem, my behaviour's scaring me!'
Well it's true I'm on a program now to straighten my life out
But only to avoid jail, you think I'm all nice now?
'Everyday's a challenge man, the battle's never won
I got so many screws loose I fuckin rattle when I run'
Off the train, pack my crack pipe, take a massive hit
Now to find the stash I lost on my last acid trip
Shit the sights were intense, I saw some horrible things
But I can only blame myself for watching Lord of the Rings
A re-run in the movies, but it was an accident
I stumbled out of Bridget Jones, they wouldn't let me back to it
Fuck it. I'm searchin but I can't find the dope
So I'm digging for my coke, cause I need a line to cope
Wait a sec, that's my fuckin stash, what a wasted trip
I'm about to head home but suddenly I'm faced with Crips
Like 'we're here to take your shit, don't be stupid hand it here'
I'm like 'these are just some chemicals to clean my chandelier!'
They're intrigued, 'can we see it? We appreciate glass work'
I take my chance and run cause I ain't getting my ass hurt
Bang bang! They're after me, I hide in a skip
Smells of rat piss but hey, can't risk finding the Crips
So yeah soon I escape, to make it back to the train
And I'm thinking to myself 'I won't take acid again'
With a carriage full of chicks, shit I'm taking my pick
But I feel like the smell of piss on me is making them sick
Whatever, to the bitch in front of me, I know you gon sex me
The bitch with the Kindle? I'm fucking her next week
The bitch with the cheesecake, she should just text me
I'll leave her my digits for when she's carrying less meat
There's an old one too, and she's lookin dry as fuck
If there's functioning waterworks then I oughta try my luck
So I forced myself on top of her and stuck my cock in her
And the strongest smell of tunafish begun to shock my nerves
The next thing I know I'm waking up on a side street
And the fat bitch is waiting like 'I want you inside me'
Tells me where she lives, I make the bold little journey
And I leave the house all bloody and out cold on a gurney
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alicewonder View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote alicewonder Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 December 2016 at 5:47pm
Haven't seen a verse from you in a while.
So, I can't recall the 'first version' of this, but this was quite fun to read. Schemes and all were very smooth, the narrative was the highlight for me - it just kept getting more and more entertaining in my opinion. The ending was amusing in a different way, too. The opening segment along with the 'Lord of the Rings/Bridget Jones' couplet were also another highlight here. The 'faced with Crips' bit didn't feel as naturally incorporated as the rest, but that's just preference I guess. I'd normally suggest you to use a more advanced scheme with all the technical bits, but I thought the scheme you went for here was just right. I felt that it was even better considering that this was a good and 'easy' read overall. Very vividly depicted. Nice work. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote AshleyKaos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2016 at 6:20am
The story telling AMD imagery in this was ducking awesome and i enjoyed the edge of dark humor you emended throughout this piece. I think it was cohesive and was executed well indefinatley and I think the topic was pretty creative and gnarled and I was digging how you were speaking from a first person perspective. Your metaphors are what really stuck out to me.

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Everyday's a challenge man, the battle's never won
I got so many screws loose I fuckin rattle when I sick

With a carriage full of chicks, shit I'm taking my pick
But I feel like the smell of piss on me is making them sick

Whatever, to the bitch in front of me, I know you gon sex me
The bitch with the Kindle? I'm fucking her next week


Overall good job I was feeling this ppiece throughout
NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2016 at 11:19am
Yep I liked it,and as Alice has already pointed out the highlight was the narrative/
humour here,and to be honest after the glass part on meetings the Cripps, the rest
seemed out of place where the rest of the Cripps inclusion was concerned, but no matter,you regained yourself,the carriage full of potential women was good,and the
different activities they were undertaking was a solid bit of imagery,I also liked the
ending here too,nothing wrong in making ppl smile or laugh,just heightens the fun
factor, which is what this piece had,along with the breezy narrative,good work and thanks for the fun read..solid..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote SELF ACTIVATE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2016 at 4:45pm
Yeah, the whole crip-to-skip part wasn't all that great. Some of the wording wasn't as pristine as your previous lines. But as a whole this was a really dope piece. In my opinion, you had a great mix of both imagery and wording for the most part, and the humor you injected was top notch. Very imaginative shit, bro. Now, obviously, there's Slim Shady influence here. But, your story still had a lot of original elements to it and the overall writing was well executed. Fun read and excellent display of skills. Peace.
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rhetorical View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2016 at 9:21pm
yea, 
entertainment value outweighs any little flaw i can nit-pic out of this. It was chaotic, it was silly, it was funny... it actually offered a lot to the reader as far as the story goes. good pacing throughout . . . i mean, i really think this verse did exactly what it was intended to do. its nice to see these types of joints where you just sort of let the concept drive the verse while keeping it from veering out of the lane lol . . if that makes any sense . . anyway.  .enjoyable read. made me chuckle in several spots 
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Goryo. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 December 2016 at 6:11pm
Thanks for the feed guys. Yeah Rhetorical I agree with you on letting the concept drive the verse. Makes it really fun, especially when you think of some random ass rhyme to finish the bar and wonder how you can incorporate it into the story lol. Helps it get a little more far fetched. I'm gonna give you all feedback within the next day, thanks again.
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