Open Mic: Erotic Psychotic 2 |
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Posted: 26 December 2016 at 4:57pm |
Fun fun. I know that I'm crazy, but today I feel more insane Walk outside it's pouring rain, I decide to board a train Slap a damn computer out the hands of a commuter Sittin opposite the hottest bitch, positive I knew her Like 'baby I'm admiring you, I wanna ask you out, But first I gotta know if you like doing ass to mouth' She slaps me, I reply with 'bitch that's just the mildest shit' She shouts 'you're just a sick fuck, dude, I'm with my child you prick!' So embarrassed I sit down, the people stare at me A conductor walks along like 'there's a nuisance, where is he?' So I promise I'll behave, 'I'm on my way to therapy, I'm aware I have a problem, my behaviour's scaring me!' Well it's true I'm on a program now to straighten my life out But only to avoid jail, you think I'm all nice now? 'Everyday's a challenge man, the battle's never won I got so many screws loose I fuckin rattle when I run' Off the train, pack my crack pipe, take a massive hit Now to find the stash I lost on my last acid trip Shit the sights were intense, I saw some horrible things But I can only blame myself for watching Lord of the Rings A re-run in the movies, but it was an accident I stumbled out of Bridget Jones, they wouldn't let me back to it Fuck it. I'm searchin but I can't find the dope So I'm digging for my coke, cause I need a line to cope Wait a sec, that's my fuckin stash, what a wasted trip I'm about to head home but suddenly I'm faced with Crips Like 'we're here to take your shit, don't be stupid hand it here' I'm like 'these are just some chemicals to clean my chandelier!' They're intrigued, 'can we see it? We appreciate glass work' I take my chance and run cause I ain't getting my ass hurt Bang bang! They're after me, I hide in a skip Smells of rat piss but hey, can't risk finding the Crips So yeah soon I escape, to make it back to the train And I'm thinking to myself 'I won't take acid again' With a carriage full of chicks, shit I'm taking my pick But I feel like the smell of piss on me is making them sick Whatever, to the bitch in front of me, I know you gon sex me The bitch with the Kindle? I'm fucking her next week The bitch with the cheesecake, she should just text me I'll leave her my digits for when she's carrying less meat There's an old one too, and she's lookin dry as fuck If there's functioning waterworks then I oughta try my luck So I forced myself on top of her and stuck my cock in her And the strongest smell of tunafish begun to shock my nerves The next thing I know I'm waking up on a side street And the fat bitch is waiting like 'I want you inside me' Tells me where she lives, I make the bold little journey And I leave the house all bloody and out cold on a gurney
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Haven't seen a verse from you in a while.
So, I can't recall the 'first version' of this, but this was quite fun to read. Schemes and all were very smooth, the narrative was the highlight for me - it just kept getting more and more entertaining in my opinion. The ending was amusing in a different way, too. The opening segment along with the 'Lord of the Rings/Bridget Jones' couplet were also another highlight here. The 'faced with Crips' bit didn't feel as naturally incorporated as the rest, but that's just preference I guess. I'd normally suggest you to use a more advanced scheme with all the technical bits, but I thought the scheme you went for here was just right. I felt that it was even better considering that this was a good and 'easy' read overall. Very vividly depicted. Nice work.
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
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The story telling AMD imagery in this was ducking awesome and i enjoyed the edge of dark humor you emended throughout this piece. I think it was cohesive and was executed well indefinatley and I think the topic was pretty creative and gnarled and I was digging how you were speaking from a first person perspective. Your metaphors are what really stuck out to me.
Fav BARS: Everyday's a challenge man, the battle's never won I got so many screws loose I fuckin rattle when I sick With a carriage full of chicks, shit I'm taking my pick But I feel like the smell of piss on me is making them sick Whatever, to the bitch in front of me, I know you gon sex me The bitch with the Kindle? I'm fucking her next week Overall good job I was feeling this ppiece throughout |
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yep I liked it,and as Alice has already pointed out the highlight was the narrative/
humour here,and to be honest after the glass part on meetings the Cripps, the rest seemed out of place where the rest of the Cripps inclusion was concerned, but no matter,you regained yourself,the carriage full of potential women was good,and the different activities they were undertaking was a solid bit of imagery,I also liked the ending here too,nothing wrong in making ppl smile or laugh,just heightens the fun factor, which is what this piece had,along with the breezy narrative,good work and thanks for the fun read..solid..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Yeah, the whole crip-to-skip part wasn't all that great. Some of the wording wasn't as pristine as your previous lines. But as a whole this was a really dope piece. In my opinion, you had a great mix of both imagery and wording for the most part, and the humor you injected was top notch. Very imaginative shit, bro. Now, obviously, there's Slim Shady influence here. But, your story still had a lot of original elements to it and the overall writing was well executed. Fun read and excellent display of skills. Peace.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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yea,
entertainment value outweighs any little flaw i can nit-pic out of this. It was chaotic, it was silly, it was funny... it actually offered a lot to the reader as far as the story goes. good pacing throughout . . . i mean, i really think this verse did exactly what it was intended to do. its nice to see these types of joints where you just sort of let the concept drive the verse while keeping it from veering out of the lane lol . . if that makes any sense . . anyway. .enjoyable read. made me chuckle in several spots
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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Thanks for the feed guys. Yeah Rhetorical I agree with you on letting the concept drive the verse. Makes it really fun, especially when you think of some random ass rhyme to finish the bar and wonder how you can incorporate it into the story lol. Helps it get a little more far fetched. I'm gonna give you all feedback within the next day, thanks again.
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