Open Mic: A continuation of scheming

I stand alone on the steps
The stones wet and slick
Survey the street, whats left
Footprints in ash on brick
Overturned trash bins
And a trail leads past them
I expected commotion
But silence harasses
I tighten my grip
But fingers keep graspin
My handkerchief slips
I stifle the gasping
And just when I get
To the point that im passing
Out pops a kid, and he's loaded
For action, packing a whip
Deaths what he's asking
I end his life quick
Cut short with a passion
A flick of the wrist
And his life's past tense
It is what it is, it happened
No time for shit
Like emotions I reacted
I'll pay for my sins
If I can out last em
Ask God to forgive
Bet he would ask him
He was only a kid
But I saw a savage.

Edited by HI-Z - 05 January 2017 at 10:21pm

my one big piece of advice is to be more descriptive. . you have a character where a stranger jumps out on him in the dark and the only reaction we get is he shoots him. No. I want to know what his emotions were in that moment. . what was the kid that jumped out at hims final words, or reaction to being shot. . there is alot in between the lines that could have given this different layers but we just got what was on the surface of it all. lines could be a tab bit longer. I had no problems with the flow or anything really . . . just could have left more room to expand and give your lines some added depth. all in all, not a terrible piece . . . it just didnt provide anything out of the ordinary and such. . keep the pen moving