Open Mic: Just a drop

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    Posted: 10 January 2017 at 7:13am
It's only a split second when the clocks hands are spun around//
eyes begin to drown to the thoughts of the loss of someone else//
it's hard to imagine how life tends to continue on//
but it's the nights on the wagon I think about how you'll be gone//
got this bottle to my head, never losing the grip on its neck//
i squeeze harder until it smashes like my hopes of having you back//
ive been pushed further away by the ones trying to act close//
fuck life, im in agony not giving a shit about the ones who play they care the most//
but then one day it hit me..ive lost so much more than i can bare//
so i turned around and stared at the mirror searching for a piece that isnt there!//
.......
so i picked up my body and dragged it across the bedroom floor//
my spirit carries me, im sorry, but i cant handle this any more//
but its too late now, the damage has been done//
you handed back that gun, but the poisons just begun//
its flowing through my body, its overtaking my blood//
the content is constant as it thickens up into mud//
im the loser remember, im the worthless piece of shit//
but now you poeple cry at my loss like ill be a hard one to forget//
fuck what you think of me, but i guess i should have thought like that before//
i hope and pray that as a ghost i can haunt you just to even the score//
youre nothing but a pile of lies and and a meaningless worth of scum//
i hope karma comes back to you all for the evil youve all become//
the hate fills me, but i have to remain humble//
because the more hate that i exert,the more my fate begins to crumble//
i was an honest man, but it wasnt enough for me to stay//
until we meet again, ill be resting in peace... peace that begins today//
so remember this, just because you cant always make a difference, doesnt mean you're worthless//
as long as you keep your head up, only you really know what your worth is....//
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Sky Scrapur View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Sky Scrapur Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 January 2017 at 7:47am
I like your ending. Good story.
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Goryo. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Goryo. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 January 2017 at 2:59pm
Yeah I liked the ending too. Overall though this was cool, the beginning section set the scene nicely. It felt more poetic and sad while the majority of the second verse was like unfiltered emotion. Not all neatly presented just thrown out there raw.

i hope and pray that as a ghost i can haunt you just to even the score//
youre nothing but a pile of lies and and a meaningless worth of scum//
i hope karma comes back to you all for the evil youve all become//

^ Good example of it there.

Only criticisms are the flow and rhymes I'd say but having technical rhymes isn't essential in writing something dope. I think it would've helped the flow a little more though. Aside from that I enjoyed it. Keep it up man.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Verse Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 January 2017 at 1:16am
greatly appreciate the criticism, thank you!
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