Open Mic: Jotted down Free verses |
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Verse
Newbie Joined: 09 January 2017 Location: NY Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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Posted: 12 January 2017 at 4:30am |
i had one of them moments where i just wanted to sit and jot down some verses..
i tend to do this often in a notebook and put the pieces together eventually! Put these on an audio track and it would sound nice. _______________________________________________________________ so this is what they dont~see//
insomniac when on my back so i dont~sleep// its a problem when i wake and im do~zing// minds all jacked from self~loathing// not a part of my life i hate.. i hate the fuckin' whole thing!// .... its no wonder when im walkin the earth it just crumbles// under my feet i feel the devils ready to eat, i can hear his gut rumble// step on his feet and watch him fall on his teeth, let that fuck tumble// feelin the heat from the "torch"-erous beast, dont let the flame fumble//(dont be the one to fall, keep your faith) .... im walking around like im a being of worth// self pity, down sitting on the edge of the curb// i got a problem with society, yet im still walking the earth// but if im talking the dirt, then im starting hurt, with these "harmless" words that my mouth will dispurse!// .... i act as if im against all humanity// but if you sit around and collect, your bitch ass aint a man to me// the calamity of your vision of whats planned to be// is an abortion of goals, your plan A turned into a plan to B// money doesnt grow on trees, that shit grows only where you plant the seed// |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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This isn't the the best, but isn't the worst first drop I've read. I can tell these are all seperate thoughts and you were just jotting stuff down. For your first verse, I think you better bring something complete. You have potential.
Side note: It looks like 4 different artists wrote these. *chin scratch*
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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its really all too fragmented to give any real depth of criticism on. I mean, you show signs of ability, and you display areas that need improvement. Mainly in the flow department. . the lines are just sort of stretched and forced. . so work on that.. and give us a full body of work and i think we can offer more. welcome to the site though
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Verse
Newbie Joined: 09 January 2017 Location: NY Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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Okay, I greatly appreciate the input. I guess I could say that was kind of a failed attempt at a different kind of topic LOL I did put down a full verse the other day called just a drop. If y'all could check that out and let me know what you think it would be very appreciated too. Thank you again
And it was definitely just my verses lol! Just different styles showing versatility, hence my name! |
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aftermath1824
Newbie Joined: 13 January 2017 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 3 |
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fuck im back again /finished the track
an left the beat dead /cremated an molested it now it begs for my breath/ its like im the ripper in this shit/ disecting people left right an center unprepared / yeah i know where im going with this/ no step i wont cross this damn bridge could collapse like indiana jones/ an id still be holding on with a grip like the empire state being mandhandled like king kong / back on that killing spree/ like its my one missed call / guess i aint no shorty no more / as i answered the phone/ dont no what im referring to then u need to watch more films / ill leave this shit with a stain on it like cum off my damn balls / so ill get a little dominating/ exing these punks in this roster like the rejects with no form/ an u wanna go toe to toe please/ id have ya back to the wall /forced up on ya like ima exenomorph/ u can be the predator/ cos ill never claim to be one / reason as i dont see my self molesting children just for the sake of needing to be intimate / id probably love prison if i was keanan/ get it orange jumpsuits fuck that im not no diva / my life as seen enough trouble to calm my tears / i dont use rhyme schemes/ cos my structure dont depend on how much i lean on to depend on my peers/ ? get the metaphor no well ima have to teach yall hey everyone new to this group the question marks is for yall to think what im referring to is
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