Open Mic: Troubled boy |
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Verse
Newbie Joined: 09 January 2017 Location: NY Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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Posted: 14 January 2017 at 8:07am |
It was the first day, i was in the third grade//
Early breakfast mom made with some toast and eggs// I was never the type to show up sporting anything brand new// The other kids would laugh at me and in lunch they would throw food// I had on a worn shirt you could tell that had been used// And my jean bottoms torn from scuffing under my shoes// I even had to pull my backpack that was packed in storage too// Soaked and stained from last year by a another kids orange juice// I was only the age of 8 and ive felt the pain of a death// Ive witnessed abuse, been shut in my room, like a chain to a pet// My stepdad would hurt me, soon he came to regret// Id be standing just behind him while hes dripping with sweat// I knew he liked to hunt with my dog and his boys// I also knew he had a safe where he kept all his toys// The night before i went to school i planned for a fun day// Wake up much before him and sneak into his gun safe// I grabbed the smallest pistol and a box of the shells// I watched how he loaded it, so i learned to myself// I hugged my loving mom as i strolled to the bus// Unaware this was the last time seeing the both of us// Today was a bit different, I walked with my head high// Typically i hang my head, but today i didnt and the other kids were stunned why!?// I walked up behind this man wearing a one piece with a mop// The hallway quickly filled with screaming, then sudden silence, then a POP!// Blood pooled beneath my raggedy shoes and for that moment i didnt care// The abuse, the pain, the mental corruption..instantly it isnt there// Nothing but muffled ringing buzzed throughout my ears// Teachers swarming to contain me, rushing through my peers// Next im being cuffed and my heads being cupped by a trooper// He opens the door and shoves me hard into the backseat of his cruiser// As sirens flash around me, everything else is mute and still// That janitor who lived in my home is gone..i was in it to shoot and kill// |
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Nice story Verse and better than your previous post. I feel like you could have described more on how he abused you. I also expected some similes but it was still enjoyable without em. Good story overall.
Keep writing. |
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Verse
Newbie Joined: 09 January 2017 Location: NY Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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After that previous post i had to do something.. lol thank you
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This was nice. I like the progression of the narrative and the consistency in tone here. The story itself is interesting in the way you depicted it, although not highly original, which wasn't really necessary though. The slight twist in the end was a good idea and I really liked how you connected it to the two different environments you were describing. Some end-rhymes didn't really work for me or were too stretched, such as in the beginning with the 'grade/eggs' bit. Some internals could really enhance the readability. Quite nice read overall.
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Yo real talk I liked this. You totally got me with the twist at the end. The section where you describe taking the smallest gun I thought you were going to kill you stepfather. But you didn't. Which is fortunate because that would've devalued the the drop in originality. Instead you provided background, motivation and some pretty decent storytelling.
As for the technique I think you could definitely progress. As Alice said some end rhymes didn't really work for me either and the flow was quite shaky at times. But that's why we're here, to learn and teach. Keep dropping bro! |
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#Bananas
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yeah this was a decent drop here,it had a decent tempo about it too,I liked the
concept and most of the angles you came with also,it read OK on the whole,i thought,but it did have a simple approach as rhymes go,but that ain't no real biggie here,the fact is your flow was the highlight for me,as the contents as alice pointed out are not the most orignal,but it still came off as a pleasing read,it had an innocents vibe/feel,if I could offer 1 suggestion though, try being descriptive when writing,add some details,draw the reader in,as this counts for alot in text,as text is in part about display and imagery,you already have a decent flow so use it...peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Verse
Newbie Joined: 09 January 2017 Location: NY Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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Thank you all for the input! I always strive to do better and obviously we all like to make others interested. So thank you on the advice.
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Where in NY you from?
This was cool. Flow wise you have some touching up to do. Some parts came off a bit choppy. As for the content I was really liking you attention to being descriptive and painting an image in the readers head. For instance in the beginning the toast and eggs and then the spilled orange juice. I really enjoy shit like that. After that You really were solid with your flow and kept the story rolling. Props for that. Great twist at the end. I mean you got some story telling abilities. You maintained a steady flow as well. I really enjoyed this drop. I will def be looking for more of your work in the future.
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Verse
Newbie Joined: 09 January 2017 Location: NY Status: Offline Points: 14 |
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thanks Exoduzt. Im from upstate near Albany
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