Open Mic: Allow me to introduce myself |
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Amgin 
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Joined: 31 January 2017 Status: Offline Points: 140 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
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 Topic: Allow me to introduce myselfPosted: 31 January 2017 at 2:58am |
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Accepted the terms and agreements,
followed all the instructions with obedience Would just like to say Thank you for having me, I'll uphold the websites community and sense of family. Profile may look familiar like a face without a name, Hold me up to a mirror and you might recognize the fame. Amgin Am I him? next of kin Rhetorical's rhymes will stay in my mind, as the first track I listened to. If your username was the question, Id have nothing to say to you Left me speechless nothing to mention what a great website first impression I know my imagination is big and I enjoy writing but there are things I lack like structure and timing. (Criticism welcomed) I look forward to reading some great posts here! Just some quick cheesy freestyles to get my feet wet with posting, nice to meet you all and will do my best to be an active user and give feedback/show love. Great times to be had Cheers |
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Nigma
Site Moderator 
Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
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Posted: 31 January 2017 at 3:18am |
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Welcome young grasshopper.
Accepted the terms and agreements, followed all the instructions with obedience Would just like to say Thank you for having me, I'll uphold the websites community and sense of family. sometimes sacrificing a word will help balance the syllables and give things a smoother read. up there^ i would have dropped the word websites. Profile may look familiar like a face without a name, Hold me up to a mirror and you might recognize the fame. you wrote this quickly but if you take a bit of time to try and match more syllables to the line above you'd be surprised at what you can come up with. biggest advice is to not grow attached to any line and be willing to alter the concepts to align with the rhymes. to me, the biggest flaw in the bar above is the lack of endrhyme. if it were me id pick out the line that has more going for it and have the other one match it. in this case I'd aim to have the second line rhyme with 'face without a name' as best I can so I'd change the following line from 'recognize the fame' to 'gaze upon the fame'. small changes like that from start to finish really gives it a polish. Amgin Am I him? next of kin Rhetorical's rhymes will stay in my mind, as the first track I listened to. If your username was the question, Id have nothing to say to you Left me speechless nothing to mention what a great website first impression I know my imagination is big and I enjoy writing but there are things I lack like structure and timing. thats all i got, look forward to seeing you put some effort into one
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator
Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 31 January 2017 at 8:05am |
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Cute little intro there,I liked the angle you came with,seemed fresh and orignal also,
as far as concept it was good,structure was like a stop start affair really,but not a big problem though,as that can be fixed quite easily,I would like to read a full OM from you before I leave a breakdown,as this was too short to draw from overall,with that typed you do know the basics to rhyme/poetry so things will be easy for you to pick up,anyways Welcome to LA,cool intro....peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member 
NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 01 February 2017 at 4:06am |
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OK where to fucking start...
For a first timer your structure is decent. You need to come up with a pure writing scheme something that works for you. whatever you feels the most comfortable. "Profile may look familiar like a face without a name, Hold me up to a mirror and you might recognize the fame. Amgin Am I him? next of kin ----no fame what so ever...gayness I could only imagine...who knows.. You ended it pretty well....I'd love for you to make a story in your head and structure it...imagination is your biggest resource...nice first drop tho
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JackBarz
Groupie
Joined: 30 November 2015 Location: Eestern Cape Status: Offline Points: 214 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-1 Form: LLNL |
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Posted: 01 February 2017 at 12:39pm |
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Not bad at all man nice to read open mics again been away for a bit,evidently from reading this piece it shows you dd not spend a lotta time writing it,buh to me its still too nice what can I say welcome to the site man and looking foward reading more of Your work,I'm also getting into grips with writing more pieces and I'm sure that You goin to be droppig more hymakers,brothe aXocrimson wordup!
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Amgin
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Joined: 31 January 2017 Status: Offline Points: 140 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
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Posted: 26 February 2017 at 9:47pm |
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Thanks for the feed back! Was just a fun drop to start
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