Open Mic: done with winter shit! (keystyle)

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   Where's the sun stuck in a permanent eclipse?

        Like winters just begun?

clothes are frozen stiff and my fingers
are going numb. 
I'm speaking with a lisp like I was born 
Without a tongue. 
Burning Christmas gifts and the tree was
Number one. 
Theres nothing on the list that could be
Over done. 
Burnt the family pics and the stocks of 
all the guns.
Sawed off the stair case shit each and 
every rung. 
Where's that fat bitch at too sing the 
Song she sung. 
I'd burn her chunky ass and be warm for 
Days too come.       

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HI-Z Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos	Post Options Post Reply Quote HI-Z Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: done with winter shit! (keystyle) Posted: 28 February 2017 at 8:32am
	Where's the sun stuck in a permanent eclipse? Like winters just begun? clothes are frozen stiff and my fingers are going numb. I'm speaking with a lisp like I was born Without a tongue. Burning Christmas gifts and the tree was Number one. Theres nothing on the list that could be Over done. Burnt the family pics and the stocks of all the guns. Sawed off the stair case shit each and every rung. Where's that fat bitch at too sing the Song she sung. I'd burn her chunky ass and be warm for Days too come.

HI-Z Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos	Post Options Post Reply Quote HI-Z Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 February 2017 at 8:39am
	Just for some context if any one gives a shit, I wrote this when it was -57°... Fuck Alaska!

alicewonder Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN	Post Options Post Reply Quote alicewonder Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 February 2017 at 7:32pm
	This was nice. A pretty 'light' read which makes it even more enjoyable, with regard to the topic. I think the smoothness of this was the highlight. Had a humorous factor throughout. There's not much to point out as as it's a quite short piece with one consistent theme. But it served its purpose.

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 February 2017 at 9:40pm
	This was a cheeky little creative piece here,liked the way you repped your state also,I guess your from Alaska? (ironic really being in the same crew you'd think I would know..lol.),and like Alice has pointed out the humour in this piece was present and firing too,but what I did like more was the subtle details here,hence me asking your state,i thought they were cloaked well and gave a reader a chance to delve,and again like Alice has mentioned,I would of liked this to have been a bit more lengthier really,nice short and enjoyable read..peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

Lord Puente Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Lord Puente Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 February 2017 at 10:57pm
	hey man, glad to see you back, you just disappeared and I dindt notice until now! I will say tho, if you have no tongue, you wouldn't have a lisp. aside from that, you have your rhymes strung together well, my biggest suggestion would be to refrain from being such a creature of habit. add in some flavor by switching up the rhyme schemes a bit more, add some other aspects to the piece other than just rhymes. you seem to usually have the same rhyme scheme top to bottom, put in some transitionals, move rhymes to new places, I think it will improve your work. Edited by Lord Puente - 28 February 2017 at 11:12pm


Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 February 2017 at 11:02pm
	^^as funny as that statement is,your still required to leave feed when posting,(lol) pls, thank you..peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".