Open Mic: Made It

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   12 hour days, my whole life abbreviated
Always left dazed after work, inebriated
Hole in my heart, always been fascinated
With the fallacy that love is complicated
Well it’s not from above, it ain’t legislated
Take it as an arrogant statement
But me, well I finally made it
I’m finally motivated to say it
I feel alienated, always berated
Insulted ‘til I feel vegetated
I’m disaffiliated with everyone in my life
I’m sick of actin’ like everything’s all right
This is just me trying to articulate it
I’m just trying to get my brain re-calibrated
Fuck I hate it but I’m trying to be elevated
Wondering why I was ever even inseminated
Parents already negotiated for me to be cremated
Not worth 6 feet of dirt when I’m finally eliminated
Not worth the hurt needed for appropriate persuasion 
Self-abusing victim of heavy sedation
Used to be full of wisdom, no creative limitation
Now wondering if my brain make a nice decoration
Or if this is all just a simulation
Am I livin’ like Jim or just like him in a similar situation?
Stagnant my whole life, in need of validation
Fragmented mind, never been good at communication
Full of hesitation but hoping to leave y’all in awe
This verse is hella dated, my existence eradicated
The absolute abomination an angry alliteration
Afraid of automation, awkward and admonished
Just for breathing, taking a beating that's being modest
I’m left bleeding, I’m leaving, receding, and dreaming…

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Absolute Abomination Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Absolute Abomination Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Made It Posted: 27 March 2017 at 9:52am
	12 hour days, my whole life abbreviated Always left dazed after work, inebriated Hole in my heart, always been fascinated With the fallacy that love is complicated Well it’s not from above, it ain’t legislated Take it as an arrogant statement But me, well I finally made it I’m finally motivated to say it I feel alienated, always berated Insulted ‘til I feel vegetated I’m disaffiliated with everyone in my life I’m sick of actin’ like everything’s all right This is just me trying to articulate it I’m just trying to get my brain re-calibrated Fuck I hate it but I’m trying to be elevated Wondering why I was ever even inseminated Parents already negotiated for me to be cremated Not worth 6 feet of dirt when I’m finally eliminated Not worth the hurt needed for appropriate persuasion Self-abusing victim of heavy sedation Used to be full of wisdom, no creative limitation Now wondering if my brain make a nice decoration Or if this is all just a simulation Am I livin’ like Jim or just like him in a similar situation? Stagnant my whole life, in need of validation Fragmented mind, never been good at communication Full of hesitation but hoping to leave y’all in awe This verse is hella dated, my existence eradicated The absolute abomination an angry alliteration Afraid of automation, awkward and admonished Just for breathing, taking a beating that's being modest I’m left bleeding, I’m leaving, receding, and dreaming…
	Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.

iLL ScriptureZ Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote iLL ScriptureZ Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 March 2017 at 4:21pm
	So... I can see good things and things that you could work on. First and foremost is to recognize that having short line length, doesn't necessary contribute to a better/tighter flow. I think a lot of people believe that. Not saying you do, I'm just addressing it as whole. Furthermore, I think you could tighten the flow a little more. What I like is your vocabulary but I am going to challenge you to incorporate them into multi-syllable schemes. Now, I understand words like situation/simulation hard "technically" multi-syllable but to elevate your pattern it would be beneficial if you did something like "just a simulation/brush up situation". A whack example to prove my point of giving it that little bit of extra. I think your ideas are good I think just honing them a little more will get you on your way. Keep writing man, I see the potential.

AshleyKaos Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ	Post Options Post Reply Quote AshleyKaos Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 31 March 2017 at 5:45am
	This was smooth with some cool multis..... nothing special though..... Rhis line segment was dope, definatley my fav : "This is just me trying to articulate it I’m just trying to get my brain re-calibrated Fuck I hate it but I’m trying to be elevated Wondering why I was ever even inseminated" decent job but feels like your holding back a little..... dont sacrificec creativity & self expression for just saying something so it will sound good... talent is when you can do both & dont have to sacrifice one for the other. decent job
	NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME