Open Mic: Made It

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Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
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Joined: 15 May 2015
Location: Australia
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Made It
    Posted: 27 March 2017 at 9:52am

12 hour days, my whole life abbreviated
Always left dazed after work, inebriated
Hole in my heart, always been fascinated
With the fallacy that love is complicated
Well it’s not from above, it ain’t legislated
Take it as an arrogant statement
But me, well I finally made it
I’m finally motivated to say it
I feel alienated, always berated
Insulted ‘til I feel vegetated
I’m disaffiliated with everyone in my life
I’m sick of actin’ like everything’s all right
This is just me trying to articulate it
I’m just trying to get my brain re-calibrated
Fuck I hate it but I’m trying to be elevated
Wondering why I was ever even inseminated
Parents already negotiated for me to be cremated
Not worth 6 feet of dirt when I’m finally eliminated
Not worth the hurt needed for appropriate persuasion 
Self-abusing victim of heavy sedation
Used to be full of wisdom, no creative limitation
Now wondering if my brain make a nice decoration
Or if this is all just a simulation
Am I livin’ like Jim or just like him in a similar situation?
Stagnant my whole life, in need of validation
Fragmented mind, never been good at communication
Full of hesitation but hoping to leave y’all in awe
This verse is hella dated, my existence eradicated
The absolute abomination an angry alliteration
Afraid of automation, awkward and admonished
Just for breathing, taking a beating that's being modest
I’m left bleeding, I’m leaving, receding, and dreaming…

Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 March 2017 at 4:21pm
So... I can see good things and things that you could work on. First and foremost is to recognize that having short line length, doesn't necessary contribute to a better/tighter flow. I think a lot of people believe that. Not saying you do, I'm just addressing it as whole. Furthermore, I think you could tighten the flow a little more. What I like is your vocabulary but I am going to challenge you to incorporate them into multi-syllable schemes. Now, I understand words like situation/simulation hard "technically" multi-syllable but to elevate your pattern it would be beneficial if you did something like "just a simulation/brush up situation". A whack example to prove my point of giving it that little bit of extra. I think your ideas are good I think just honing them a little more will get you on your way. Keep writing man, I see the potential.

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AshleyKaos View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote AshleyKaos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 March 2017 at 5:45am
This was smooth with some cool multis..... nothing special though.....

Rhis line segment was dope, definatley my fav  :

"This is just me trying to articulate it
I’m just trying to get my brain re-calibrated
Fuck I hate it but I’m trying to be elevated
Wondering why I was ever even inseminated"

decent job but feels like your holding back a little..... dont sacrificec creativity & self expression for just saying something so it will sound good... talent is when you can do both & dont have to sacrifice one for the other. decent job 
NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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