Open Mic: Punchline Intelligence

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Back in the keys

Like shooting toilet holes with cameras,
the shit is about to get ^epic^ |A-pic|

I know how alot of these niggas be waiting on my downfall.
But so does the Kalahari Desert awaits rainfall.
I'm rare humanoid, something
similar to the Baphomet |
Lol f**k you all in this ring,  I'm the sickest one with the Bar-Format|

Seems like I can't prove myself,
dispensed lyrical ethanol via intense textual slaughterings,
I still wish  these young tiers can ``see`` (c) like the third letter of the alphabet|
In that case I elope like a fierce Tornado, that spiral out of control causing mass destruction |
Author of death although I can't ``build`` any ``TRUST`` amongst these kids like 'condom factories construction' |
.
:: ''I guess no one can fuck with Eclipse in here.."

And they had to blame it on the criterion! !
What will it take ??
Ebola infested syringes injected in my cerebrum to prove I hold sick thoughts ??
So sick I infect these threads maliciously with lyrical trojams
like Microsoft|

(P)athetic !!!
(P)rophetic (p)aradox (p)rojected (p)arallel (p)rior (p)andemic
(p)aradigms, (P)erpetrate (p)redators (p)rodigally (p)roduce (P)ablo's (p)rowess !!
That's enough P's [piss] to make these kids change his nappies !!

What will it take?
Metaphors collides with cumulus and cumulonimbus clouds but these ants still can't acknowledge the fact that I reign (rain) supreme |
Derailed bloodstreams I go extreme |
Glass prisms shattered down your oesophagus |
Attach a sharp barbed wire on your diaphragm to lend an ``extra`` hand like an octopus |

I'm an intellectual freak, I apply theorems of pythagorus on battles,
I ^add^ value unto text rap, Rooted underground I'm a ^square_root^ of a broken family tree, death by ^multiplication^ I ^divide^ and conquer,

I'm A serpent of terror terrorising synagogues through terrific traumas when I slay|
Its Sunday|
And thats what I gotta say|

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Blood Eclipse Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 April 2017 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 58 Crew: Pending Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Blood Eclipse Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: Punchline Intelligence Posted: 23 April 2017 at 2:34pm
	Back in the keys Like shooting toilet holes with cameras, the shit is about to get ^epic^ \|A-pic\| I know how alot of these niggas be waiting on my downfall. But so does the Kalahari Desert awaits rainfall. I'm rare humanoid, something similar to the Baphomet \| Lol f**k you all in this ring, I'm the sickest one with the Bar-Format\| Seems like I can't prove myself, dispensed lyrical ethanol via intense textual slaughterings, I still wish these young tiers can ``see`` (c) like the third letter of the alphabet\| In that case I elope like a fierce Tornado, that spiral out of control causing mass destruction \| Author of death although I can't ``build`` any ``TRUST`` amongst these kids like 'condom factories construction' \| . :: ''I guess no one can fuck with Eclipse in here.." And they had to blame it on the criterion! ! What will it take ?? Ebola infested syringes injected in my cerebrum to prove I hold sick thoughts ?? So sick I infect these threads maliciously with lyrical trojams like Microsoft\| (P)athetic !!! (P)rophetic (p)aradox (p)rojected (p)arallel (p)rior (p)andemic (p)aradigms, (P)erpetrate (p)redators (p)rodigally (p)roduce (P)ablo's (p)rowess !! That's enough P's [piss] to make these kids change his nappies !! What will it take? Metaphors collides with cumulus and cumulonimbus clouds but these ants still can't acknowledge the fact that I reign (rain) supreme \| Derailed bloodstreams I go extreme \| Glass prisms shattered down your oesophagus \| Attach a sharp barbed wire on your diaphragm to lend an ``extra`` hand like an octopus \| I'm an intellectual freak, I apply theorems of pythagorus on battles, I ^add^ value unto text rap, Rooted underground I'm a ^square_root^ of a broken family tree, death by ^multiplication^ I ^divide^ and conquer, I'm A serpent of terror terrorising synagogues through terrific traumas when I slay\| Its Sunday\| And thats what I gotta say\|

Goryo. Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Goryo. Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2017 at 3:14pm
	What's up, man? You have some really good ideas and concepts here, I won't take that away from you. But I think you definitely need to trim the fat when it comes to punchlines and not force them. My first example would be your first bar. I guess in some accents 'epic' sounds like 'a-pic' but it's a stretch. It doesn't come across as natural and the punch itself was like something Eminem would write on his Recovery album. Shooting toilet holes with cameras isn't exactly a common thing that people do so just randomly making up weird situations like that just for the sake of a double entendre doesn't do the piece any benefit (in my opinion). It shows you know what a double entendre is and how to execute one, but try and make it more natural. Think of better situations where people would take a picture of shit, like I dunno a crime scene where the killer shat on the floor as some kind of calling card or something lol. My point is, tacky punchlines don't do anything for a verse. Play around with it some and you'll always get there in the end. On the punchline tip, stay away from played shit. The alphabet one was pretty played, and also the focus was on the wrong thing. Out of that whole line you focused on 'see' where you could have built the punch around another word and made it more creative. The ebola one was also played, stay away from 'sick' punches unless they are super original. I liked the thought process behind the condom line more than the execution, and same with the Pythagoras one. Basically what I'm trying to say is re-write and re-word until your punches are snappy rather than unorganised looking. Without good execution, a punch is just an idea. I actually liked the random alliteration cause you used it to set up a decent punch. Good stuff. Overall, you clearly have a good idea of what punches are but execution is where you fall flat. There was a lot of creativity displayed in this verse and I think if worded and directed properly you're gonna be onto something dope. I'd fix your structure (read some other people's drops here and you will see for yourself how a good structure can vastly improve a verse) and don't forget to leave feedback too. With all that being said, welcome to the site and I hope to see you keep at it and grow.

Blood Eclipse Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 April 2017 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 58 Crew: Pending Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Blood Eclipse Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2017 at 3:50pm
	Thank you very much for your feedback back. . At least now I know what to fix

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 April 2017 at 12:21pm
	Yep I like this one,firstly please don't bracket your plays most ppl here will see and get its intention,plus it breaks flow for the reader,this was a well crafted piece here that contained many layers and concepts,the punches had that onomatopoeie to them also(thud thud thud),you also used some ripe angles that made this piece stand up and out,i liked your use of comparison words too,and your wording was Slick in parts as well,i was really feeling some of your obscure references,like the god/human (Baphomet) line to name one of a few,there were some draw backs though,some of the punches didn't quite have the intended power you was aiming for,this was either due to them being a tired slant (a worn concept) or an over thought angle,punches are about how you deliver them in essence,and plus although good overall you did have periods were this verse came off as spatial,there's a lot to be had from being on a direct course to a point,it keeps the rhyme tidy and moving,this was on the whole a ripe verse,a verse i got a kick from on reading,nice work..keep that nib rub going ..peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

Blood Eclipse Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 21 April 2017 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 58 Crew: Pending Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL	Post Options Post Reply Quote Blood Eclipse Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 April 2017 at 4:09pm
	Noted.. Thanks for that dope feedback and advices