Open Mic: Audio cinematic I [Portrait of a serial killer] |
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Storm $hadow
Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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Posted: 21 October 2017 at 3:22am |
Was inspired by Quiet storm instrumental, shit's is below par but don't read without a feedback on how I can improve..
[Verse one] It's 3; 40am on the dot; a call dropped, n the next 3 minutes he's off Threw his jacket on, snatched the car keys and head to the parking lot Wasn't sure what he was in for, never had a moment of thought Maybe he's chasing papers of course, to where the pays are for sure So he had his Glock on lock, quiet storm, mouth's always shut Fed with many slots, unlocked and ready for shots Guess that means duty calls, more bodies is gon' drop Feds better not interrupt, y'all better stay indoors 5 minutes was all it burnt cooking the hideous plot Turned the ignition on, steer the wheels as he let the exhaust burst Many plan a war through prayers, others with guns You either go for Bible or Rifle, Both are still weapons 10 minutes later it's mayhem, several bodies on the floor Two sisters on stilettoes, a teenage son; now on their way to God A dad next to his briefcase, a mom with her child unborn When bullets rains, it pours, the whole scene is painted blood. [Hook] Calm but peaceful, his motto, the act is deceitful Nigga strapped with an issue that equal a C-2 He sees through your tissues, lungs, cells, make you wish you You aren't his next victim cause he ain't gonna miss you Arms around his pistol, the only thing he got a grip to Arms around his pistol, the only thing that feels how he feels too [Verse two] It's 3;40 pm on the dot, he was seeing a movie when a call dropped Telling him he's got a job, never asked what; the nature of his work Come along with your gun tucked as he quickly reach for his shorts Burst out of the crib with enough gut, equalling a 10-man mob 10 minutes was all it caused getting to his client's spot Straight to business as usual Todd, that was all he could talk This one is a bit odd but I bet it's worth the shot And better not get caught, said Todd, or it's your lose 5 minutes before, he was just inside of a store Refilling his Glock slots, fed it, the beast ate it all Hate to stall so he left quickly through the back door It's a fun to some, to others a time to hit the jack pot Called his homie on the block, asked him if he's got the balls To spill a whole family's blood, nigga are you in or what? Guess we're all in need of the buck whether large or small So the homie said he's down with the hideous plot 5 minutes later it's mayhem, severed bodies on the floor A girl and a boy, laying next to the couch with bruises n' cuts With a mom whom already caught a bullets to her jaw A dad humbly laid to rest with series of shots When bullets rains it pours, the whole scene is painted blood. [Hook] Calm but peaceful, his motto, the act is deceitful Nigga strapped with an issue that equal a C-2 He sees through your tissues, lungs, cells, make you wish you You aren't his next victim cause he ain't gonna miss you Arms around his pistol, the only thing he got a grip to Arms around his pistol, the only thing that feels how he feels too. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Nice to read a piece from you again,it's been awhile eh,
[Verse one] It's 3; 40am on the dot; a call dropped, n the next 3 minutes he's off Threw his jacket on, snatched the car keys and head to the parking lot Wasn't sure what he was in for, never had a moment of thought Maybe he's chasing papers of course, to where the pays are for sure So he had his Glock on lock, quiet storm, mouth's always shut Fed with many slots, unlocked and ready for shots Guess that means duty calls, more bodies is gon' drop Feds better not interrupt, y'all better stay indoors 5 minutes was all it burnt cooking the hideous plot Turned the ignition on, steer the wheels as he let the exhaust burst Many plan a war through prayers, others with guns You either go for Bible or Rifle, Both are still weapons 10 minutes later it's mayhem, several bodies on the floor Two sisters on stilettoes, a teenage son; now on their way to God A dad next to his briefcase, a mom with her child unborn When bullets rains, it pours, the whole scene is painted blood. (Now i see you've incorporated a rolling theme story board type verse here,which was nice as it gives the tale some substance,plus it adds direction too which is also a big bonus for the reader,this piece rhymed well enough via the inner/end rhymes,the problem this segment suffers from is multi's in the form of syllables, you had multi's in the way of word but they made for a basic rhyme scheme that read as simple in design,(i'll stress now though,nothing wrong with simplicity,as keeping pieces simple can aid a drop in many ways (flow/progression/scope/& understanding) to name a few benefits,what hampered your multi's (word) here was the lack of syllables,you went instead for the same sounding vowels that promotes (assonace),which is also a solid character to use in any and all rhyme forms,but without more rhyming syllables it gave this piece a flat vibe on reading, i liked the contents here,had a kind of a hit man feel about it,wiping out a family via a job that came from a telephone call,yep you've made curious as to where this is heading..) [Hook] Calm but peaceful, his motto, the act is deceitful Nigga strapped with an issue that equal a C-2 He sees through your tissues, lungs, cells, make you wish you You aren't his next victim cause he ain't gonna miss you Arms around his pistol, the only thing he got a grip to Arms around his pistol, the only thing that feels how he feels too (for the record,and as a form of an apology,i don't like hooks in text or on tracks really,but i'll persevere and feed this still,over using the words 'you' and 'to' didn't help really,it marred the flow some here in my opinion,it seemed to break the vibe, plus i didn't think it contributed much to the verse as a whole,(this is just me and my preference here so pls take it with a pinch of salt as the next man who feeds this might like hooks..) [Verse two] It's 3;40 pm on the dot, he was seeing a movie when a call dropped Telling him he's got a job, never asked what; the nature of his work Come along with your gun tucked as he quickly reach for his shorts Burst out of the crib with enough gut, equalling a 10-man mob 10 minutes was all it caused getting to his client's spot Straight to business as usual Todd, that was all he could talk This one is a bit odd but I bet it's worth the shot And better not get caught, said Todd, or it's your lose 5 minutes before, he was just inside of a store Refilling his Glock slots, fed it, the beast ate it all Hate to stall so he left quickly through the back door It's a fun to some, to others a time to hit the jack pot Called his homie on the block, asked him if he's got the balls To spill a whole family's blood, nigga are you in or what? Guess we're all in need of the buck whether large or small So the homie said he's down with the hideous plot 5 minutes later it's mayhem, severed bodies on the floor A girl and a boy, laying next to the couch with bruises n' cuts With a mom whom already caught a bullets to her jaw A dad humbly laid to rest with series of shots When bullets rains it pours, the whole scene is painted blood. (i really liked the using of the first verse as a template for this 2nd verse here,the mirrow-ing effect was creative i thought and a cool inclusion as a complete piece, i do feel this drop would actually benefit more as an audio track rather than a text piece,as pitch and tones bring out the accent native to your tongue,as you know pronunciation of words varies from Country to Country even though its still English, overall i liked this segment more than the 1st really,this time it felt like a gang/set/ crew drive by scenario,i also thought your vocab was better and directed too,yeah on the whole i liked it,would like to hear it in an audio version though,still good work..) peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Storm $hadow
Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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Always spreading the wings of wisdom, every feedback is a gift from you Crim'. Thanks man cause I believe this will help a lot. I would have made it a direct audio track if I was with everything necessary at the time cause it flowed kinda okay to the beat.
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D-NoS
Groupie Joined: 10 October 2014 Location: UK-Wales Status: Offline Points: 207 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-6-0 Form: LLLLLL |
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Enjoyed this, has an in-ya-face bad ass appeal. I like the way you've written this. Good job!
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https://dnos.bandcamp.com
https://soundcloud.com/dnos_aka_dicey |
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