Open Mic: Rhyme time

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Rhyme Time

Crim, much love for the feedback. 
in honor of you, I smoke up this bud from my weed sack
right to the brain like I received it through my temple
reciting my pain, Like I'm bleeding through my pencil
it's highly insane. if you ever seen into my mental
it's likely my brain aint the same as a single individual

And there we go Crim ^ !! bar 3, endrhyme, *syllable count*
and for the 3rd damn time, my slant rhyme's aren't an appealable sound
But "appealable sound?" *awkward*, that needed a little more work
Plus my lines are kinda long like that of a shitty store clerk

but ... when I, come up with rhymes,
some of the times, it my preference to write effortless. 
cleverness seeping through measureless
but everything's so technical like fouls
everybody's spectilcles are out
ready to tell ya if your verse is acceptable or not
if the technicalities are ethnical or not

And Crim I hope this don't sound desecrated
Your help, believe I say it, it's much appreciated
I was just checking my rhymes as you implicated
gettin shit situated. This my skill gettin liberated
My thoughts cultivated. my mind feelin stimulated
This off the top of the brain like a skull
This just to bring some activity and that's kinda really all
Just havin fun 
1 Love

Edited by Who-Is-You? - 16 November 2017 at 2:00am

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Who-Is-You? Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 03 October 2017 Status: Offline Points: 89 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-0-0 Form: WW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Who-Is-You? Report Post Likes(2) Quote Reply Topic: Rhyme time Posted: 16 November 2017 at 1:55am
	Rhyme Time Crim, much love for the feedback. in honor of you, I smoke up this bud from my weed sack right to the brain like I received it through my temple reciting my pain, Like I'm bleeding through my pencil it's highly insane. if you ever seen into my mental it's likely my brain aint the same as a single individual And there we go Crim ^ !! bar 3, endrhyme, syllable count and for the 3rd damn time, my slant rhyme's aren't an appealable sound But "appealable sound?" awkward, that needed a little more work Plus my lines are kinda long like that of a shitty store clerk but ... when I, come up with rhymes, some of the times, it my preference to write effortless. cleverness seeping through measureless but everything's so technical like fouls everybody's spectilcles are out ready to tell ya if your verse is acceptable or not if the technicalities are ethnical or not And Crim I hope this don't sound desecrated Your help, believe I say it, it's much appreciated I was just checking my rhymes as you implicated gettin shit situated. This my skill gettin liberated My thoughts cultivated. my mind feelin stimulated This off the top of the brain like a skull This just to bring some activity and that's kinda really all Just havin fun 1 Love Edited by Who-Is-You? - 16 November 2017 at 2:00am

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 November 2017 at 10:44am
	So firstly let me just say thanks for putting a penny in my immortal meter here, I'm truly flattered,and now i feel i have to explain myself a little,(draws in deep breath),i love poetry it acts like a relief valve for me,i understand mostly all form of poetry,dead pan political and satire,in fact i'm better at absorbing poetry than expressing it,i have a stressful job and rhymes raps and poems help,if that makes any sense,anyways back to the feedback,i found this piece impressive on many levels via syllable multi's and the quickness in which you pumped this out,plus your wording was nice as to the placing of them,and I'm sure even you'll agree that this read fluid in comparison to your other pieces/OM's,due to syllable usage,i said it before i feel you have a flair for OM's/poetry,that's why i push and compliment you, I do find your slants fresh in truth,your concepts on the norm are gritty aswell like here,but i highlight these little things to add more scope to your offerings,see many here are excellent writers that like me like to breakdown a piece,it's the mechanics were the most pleasure is gained as it shows a pattern or the thought process within involved,solid read here to which gave me a kick on reading,not just because of its direction,but because of your implementing and striving..cool read..peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

iLL ScriptureZ Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote iLL ScriptureZ Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 November 2017 at 2:16pm
	First time peepin' you.. First stanza is full of multis. Dope stuff. "it's highly insane. if you ever seen into my mental" dope bar. But the bar after it just sticks out like a sore thumb. So far, I'm sort've impressed. This was a decent little joint. You have some talent man and I liked the play off a lil key from Crim's feedback. That was kinda clever. Overall man, not a bad drop.