Open Mic: Believe |
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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Posted: 21 November 2017 at 11:37am |
So I've never made an audio before but if I was going to it would be for this track. I think it's the first time I've ever written a hook too, though it's probably difficult to appreciate it without my interpretation of how it's meant to sound (which is understandable). Unfortunately the way I envision this as a song requires female vocals, harmonisation, and some great mixing that I don't have access to. So it will stay as a pipe dream indefinitely.
Also this some of the realest shit I ever wrote and I think it's a contender for my best work (IMO it is my best work). If anyone saw my last drop you know I was in a bit of a bad place this year. I'm good now and this is sort of me venting a combination of thoughts and emotions I've had over the last 7 years or so. Peace. ____________________________________________________________________________________ I stand stall, then fall Down to my knees, and plead Dear God take me please I can't breathe, at all I don't believe, anymore Don't wanna be at all Every time I open my mouth you scream aloud shout out at the clouds, can I please speak now? Am I allowed to be free and proud? I feel that now I've lost what I cared so deep about Promised to find the way to your island heart, but the skies are gray and dark, and our violent past won't let us last We break apart, restart then twelve months pass still grit your teeth when you look at me, and suddenly your misery loves my company Start drunkenly arguing it's sickingly comforting We're keepin' score of slammed doors, again and again until we've jammed yours Proved it before, broken at the core I guess we just can't do this anymore I stand stall, then fall Down to my knees, and plead Dear God take me please I can't breathe, at all I don't believe, anymore Don't wanna be at all Who am I? You ask why I try to fly, why I try to touch the sky when I know I'll fall and die Why I never displayed more but became bored sat by the lakeshore, father and his great roar bores in my brain now, head aches and sore my mistakes that you're paying for with flesh breaks I know the strength it takes to be trapped behind a cage door you thought I'd care more, therefore feel pain more once you realise I couldn't care less I guess that makes me a careless mess, stressed who failed to impress and live up to his parents success I confess laid bare, back to the present day where suffer alone depressed, in a broken home chrome pressed against the dome, counting every second like a metronome and I'm blasting off to Heaven I stand stall, then fall Down to my knees, and plead Dear God take me please I can't breathe, at all I don't believe, anymore Don't wanna be at all Eyes open, conscious so low walk solo towards the hollow center of sorrow looking forward to a better tomorrow, still sick, this ain't a common cold though I show no, signs of recovery though the blackout was a night of luxury wake up and look left, nobody beside me right and God lyin' to me Three apparitions appear in my vision, like Christmas childrens fiction they're disappointed in my decisions, in my suicide wishin' crimson mission Open wide and tears to my eyes, I softly cry n' try to hide, the fear in my mind in low supply emotions high, surprise devotion, why? I don't deserve these friends of mine I stand tall, then fall Down to my knees, and plead Dear God save me please I can't breathe, at all I can believe, don't leave I wanna be, some more I am me, it's all I can be... believe |
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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DressToKill
Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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I want to feed this but can you drop the intended instrumental? If not it's cool I just thought it would help me pick up the flow
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The original comeback kid
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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No instrumental used or specifically intended. I'll post a few I think could help you get a feel for what I'm aiming for but I don't write with instrumentals in mind. Can't write to a beat well.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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After reading your post, like ten minutes after, I thought "maybe Walk On Water could work?" And god damn did it work. Maybe because I can't sing for shit and don't think I have a good rapping voice but I can definitely talk well (lol) and the timing was almost perfect on my first attempt. Found one other I think would fit well, if it were a tad longer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmrr3JDfSc (Eminem ft. Beyonce - Walk On Water [Instrumental]) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6dTrxa1-W0 (Idealism - Last Time)
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Goryo.
Groupie Joined: 28 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 431 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-4-0 Form: LWLWLW |
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From a technical standpoint it was pretty raw and a little wordy at times but that added to the charm imo. It fit the mood of the piece so I wouldn't change that. I enjoyed the use of inners, some sections had more than others, and some inners seemed a bit 'thrown in' like:
in my suicide wishin' crimson mission But this bar was cool as fuck: to be trapped behind a cage door you thought I'd care more, therefore feel pain more Another highlight was the 'drunkenly arguing' line cause it is pretty true. I can relate to quite a few things in this drop so I understand the mindset when writing it and what mood you want to present. I hope you record it.
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DressToKill
Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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The emotion in this was raw dude, one suggestion I have would be to broaden your vocabulary. I felt you had done a good job of expressing your emotions but id like to see some unique twists in how you portray it if that makes sense. Also the flow was on for the most part but it could of been tightened up a little, either way writing from personal experience really adds to pieces and it was no different here.
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The original comeback kid
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Yo
Sup Game, you already know I’m a big fan of your nonsense Trust me bro, my name is Corrupt so I already knew who is you after one OM drop Your predictably average/boring multiple end rhyme game unmistakable Honestly I prefer my brother roofing meister when he’s unmasked Hope you dun get banned too soon! We should collab and kill em One love homie |
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Oops wrong thread
My bad Will check this for you at the weekend brother A Bomb Damn Shawn got my knickers in a twist |
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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Thanks for the feed. In case you didn't get it the crimson in suicide wishing crimson mission alludes to the colour red (anger and blood, present in suicidal thoughts/behaviour). Maybe it's a bit excessive to add another word but it definitely fit the theme and context.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Good to see you dropping a verse here,i liked this piece for its simplicity as well,
you also had some highlights within too,like the crimson bar and the one before that,about the ghosts in a Scrooge sort off setting,these alone brought a sense of awareness to the drop,which coupled with your flow aided and added to the verse overall,and i'll stress now by adding awareness it also injected a certain depth too,plus it's a trait i like to read in an OM,the stepping back and looking in served as some good imagery here,i do however agree with DTK about you bringing more deeper vocab,it lifts a verse up and out at a reader,on the whole a nice drop,yep i enjoyed the read..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
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