Open Mic: The Cave Act.1

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   Pills got my wrists and neck trapped in a pillory
(silly me) 
things i reached for to help have been killing me 
(epiphany?)
i don't really know i'm to unsure
all i see is shadow puppets all i hear is encore
all i feel is "need more" or i'ma blow like C4
feed me D.M.T. and set me free
dragging me right out the cave 
wait, i'm no longer slave
(woe) 
woe has been me for so long its identity! 
so why have you cursed me with remedy?
i'm blinded by rays and color 
bursting through shutters 
been shut my whole life! 
so i must be dead
 this must be hell
 i must be dead
is this my new cell?
i must of died and caught ride with the reaper 
now i just ride with the reaper! 
might ether your soul my soul and there's  
fuck all my fears i'm a just purge every plan! 
artificial courage right here in the palm of my xan

Pills got my wrists and neck trapped in a pillory
things i reached for to help have been killing me
Pills got my wrists and neck trapped in a pillory
and this concludes Act. one of "The Cave" trilogy

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key3 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Groupie Joined: 04 January 2014 Status: Offline Points: 136 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-5-1 Form: LLWLLN	Post Options Post Reply Quote key3 Report Post Likes(1) Quote Reply Topic: The Cave Act.1 Posted: 09 December 2017 at 2:13am
	Pills got my wrists and neck trapped in a pillory (silly me) things i reached for to help have been killing me (epiphany?) i don't really know i'm to unsure all i see is shadow puppets all i hear is encore all i feel is "need more" or i'ma blow like C4 feed me D.M.T. and set me free dragging me right out the cave wait, i'm no longer slave (woe) woe has been me for so long its identity! so why have you cursed me with remedy? i'm blinded by rays and color bursting through shutters been shut my whole life! so i must be dead this must be hell i must be dead is this my new cell? i must of died and caught ride with the reaper now i just ride with the reaper! might ether your soul my soul and there's fuck all my fears i'm a just purge every plan! artificial courage right here in the palm of my xan Pills got my wrists and neck trapped in a pillory things i reached for to help have been killing me Pills got my wrists and neck trapped in a pillory and this concludes Act. one of "The Cave" trilogy
	http://i62.tinypic.com/2l8hiye.jpg

Crimson Juice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Crimson Juice Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 December 2017 at 10:40am
	Well truthfully i thought this was nice,besides the drugs,it had the vibe of a blind man seeing light for the 1st time,or a trapped soul that's gotten a taste of freedom, but the undertone was a circle of a person hooked on drugs,who uses them to escape their reality,well that's what i'm getting from this verse,the gripes i have here is the details,this piece had scope via subject matter to be laced, and dare i say even saturated with imagery,but it only skimmed the surface from a pool whi- ch contained a wealth of depth,plus a few inner rhymes/multi's either word or even syllables would of lifted this piece up and out at a reader,but then with all that said, this is only pt 1,so its a building up process,anyways this was nice and besides my gripes i did enjoy the read,look forward to see what's in store...peace.
	"You need to learn how to make an exit, before you can dare make an entrance".

Absolute Abomination Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Absolute Abomination Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 December 2017 at 6:30am
	just a few lines I have some issues with but I really enjoyed this. Right up my lane when I get in my writing zone. "i don't really know i'm to unsure all i see is shadow puppets all i hear is encore all i feel is "need more" or i'ma blow like C4 feed me D.M.T. and set me free" i generally dont like it when words are in the middle of a line and don't rhyme with anything. "puppets" has no rhyme to it and stalls the flow down. I also would have removed "all I feel" from third line in this part. i dont really know, im too unsure all i see is shadows screaming 'encore' they want what I need more or I'll blow like C4 IMO that's a better way to make it a 4 line scheme and more concise and to the point, and fits in with more of the drop as half of it has shorter lines. "i must of died and caught ride with the reaper now i just ride with the reaper!" not a fan of this either, 'ride with the reaper' shouldnt rhyme with 'ride with the reaper' unless you're changing the context (wordplay) or if its a recurring technique (repetition) throughout the verse, not just a random one-off hit. those are my few issues with an otherwise great drop. good job.
	Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.