Open Mic: (WD) Crimson Waves (WD)
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Dntplywelwitothers View Drop Down
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    Posted: 27 December 2017 at 2:28am
Either temptation or boredom, Inspired this venture
The traffic is NUTS....What kinda race did I enter?
The climate has risen...A fraction, or higher....
I must tackle these shackles...the conquest is dire!
To redeem my own essence...Foliage. Growth...
On my own family tree...wait.... is that the throat!?!?
Arduous was the journey, but soon trauma follows.
Where the fuck is the EGG!       OH SHIT!!!          Mama swallowed...
"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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Absolute Abomination View Drop Down
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Form: LLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2017 at 8:26am
Ehh bit simple and random for my liking. Not that simple can't be good...I see the rhyme scheme patterns but almost every line seemed separated from the verse. The only ones that linked IMO is the foliage and family tree concept. I guess maybe "is that the throat" and "mama swallowed" but it's a stretch. Same with nuts/oh shit...

Don't recall seeing anything else of yours so I guess I can't say much but this wasn't to my liking.

My advice? Try to connect your lines better and keep a coherent concept. It's fine to change but they still need to be relevant to each other, whether it's by similarities or contrast...
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Dntplywelwitothers View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Dntplywelwitothers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2017 at 11:10am
Appreciate the read.
"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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Form: LLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Absolute Abomination Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2017 at 11:27am
NP...Been slacking on feedback lately so trying to read some more.
Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Neek View Drop Down
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Form: LWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 December 2017 at 6:12pm
you know, this is one of the verses you really gotta make head or tails of the whole thing. in this case, it felt like a tale of some head. I can appreciate that. tell your mom I said wuddupdoe.

on another note, I felt you executed this really well. it came off as it should.. as a writing exercise.. not a god damn thesis on the existance of mind control. I definitely am tossing my coin into the wishing well for more of your work. thata boy slugger.
#Bananas
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Dntplywelwitothers View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Dntplywelwitothers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 January 2018 at 2:50pm
Yeah, there's nothing like stretching out the old word muscles.
Glad you dug this little tadpoles adventure into premature cannibalism.

as far as Momz doe... her New Years resolution was not to give head in 2018.
Sorry.
Never the less I appreciate the actual read.
"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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Form: LWWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Neek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 January 2018 at 2:57pm
#Bananas
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Dntplywelwitothers View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Dntplywelwitothers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 January 2018 at 3:50pm
I respect your facts man.
I told Ma that old pic was gonna come back to haunt her one day.

Ah well..... definition of insanity.

Here's her number # 785-345-2018 ...bro
"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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