Open Mic: Battle practice |
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RosenBoss
Groupie Joined: 05 September 2018 Location: Nebraska Status: Offline Points: 66 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-0 Form: LL |
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Posted: 08 September 2018 at 3:01am |
You couldn't get "wings" if you was an "amped" up "rockstar"
I'm flying through rings like a hammer hand boxer No opponent around can stop nor block my fist I'll take "five" and let this swivel in your spit Turnin "grills" into skillets to fry a pancake Earnin' thrills before I kill it for a "fans" sake Catching "blades" between lines is your pass time "Coked" up fades to black should be your tag line Undercover lyracist ya more like delusional I'll steal your lover no rapist but rough contusional My love marks bared in sight for your delivery Each one like a stamp placed right to remember me No return postage unable to return to sender Serving no hostess to be the boss game ender Cheat codes can't beat me no secret sequence Street modes can heat me so secrete defence |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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so first off, the flow is basic but focused and the pace was good. some whitty lines mixed in with some. . not boring, but just rhymes ya know? almost felt like there was moments where you was pulling punches. not that it takes anything away from your verse, but i was wondering why you quoted certain words in the first half to emphasize some of the punches. . but then, you just abandoned it in the second half?
anyway. . keep moving that pen bro . . . i can see that "rust" falling off
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RosenBoss
Groupie Joined: 05 September 2018 Location: Nebraska Status: Offline Points: 66 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-0 Form: LL |
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Thanks Rhet. Did it help create emphasis when the quotes were used? I did half with and half without to get feedback on which style is better. I thought it was a cool way to emphasize word play but wasn't sure how that would be received.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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imo, we are intelligent enough to put it together without quotes. only when flipping words like (forfeit / 4 fit) do i find quotations useful. . .
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RosenBoss
Groupie Joined: 05 September 2018 Location: Nebraska Status: Offline Points: 66 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-0 Form: LL |
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Makes sense. I hope I didn't offend by using the quotes. I wasn't trying to imply you aren't intelligent. I'll make note of that for the future.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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nah your good fam, not offended at all. . im just sayin, most people been writing long enough that they can put it together without having to spell everything out. . when you feel its something that may go over someones head, then yea, quote it. . when its obvious though. .its not needed
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Ridley Squat
Street Team Joined: 20 November 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 830 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-6-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Sup Boss,
I though this was a pretty decent practice verse. Better without "quotes" which read to me like the text equivalent of exaggerated hand gestures. And some of the punches come off weak, but that's understandable without an opponent to face. You seem to have the elements there, I pretty sure it'll click into place when you breathe the much needed life into our battlefield. One point though
Aka looks like it might rhyme but doesn't? In either case I'm not feeling secret/secrete or sequence/defence ... unless it's an accent thing |
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RosenBoss
Groupie Joined: 05 September 2018 Location: Nebraska Status: Offline Points: 66 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-0 Form: LL |
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Ridley, thanks.
Not sure about the eye-rhyme or accent thing. It might be a bit of both. I figure secret and secrete is close enough to be a slant rhyme, something from my peotry days. I read the latter as SEE-qwince and DEE-dence - maybe it was an emphasis in my head that didn't translate to paper. Regardless, thanks for the feedback. I need to pull out my computer and catch up my feedback for others. I find it hard to quote and respond with thought on my phone. |
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