Open Mic: True love... |
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Hyperactive
Groupie Joined: 03 August 2015 Status: Offline Points: 113 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-0 Form: WWW |
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Posted: 17 September 2018 at 8:40am |
I know that I'm not perfect either
But how long is this worth it even? What's the point when no one is trying On either side, I guess we can't see a reason Used to know you better than I know myself Now we're just strangers, no emotions felt Saying we're sorry just to keep the peace After every outburst that hits below the belt So we'll move past it and make amends For the children's sake, and they pretend That they can't see through our illusion Hopefully they're too young to comprehend If we continue to play this game I don't know how long I can take the pain From the same old song and dance I guess the more that things change, they stay the same Things never change and it makes me sick We place the blame on each other every chance we get Fuck all your bullshit, no more feeling like a piece of shit I'm done. |
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
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Yo, I loved it man. Being with waifu for 8 years we been through ups and down and this resonated with me. The only difference was that our son felt the tension and acted accordingly. And now? We're fucking better than ever. So that's my life story lmao.
Technique wise this wasn't all that special, but fuck technique anyway. If shit sounds good, it sounds good. This sounded good to me. I couldn't flow it on a beat but that's probably because I just mad weird beats fam.
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#Bananas
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Get rid of the last 3-4 lines after "they stay the same"... It was the perfect closer. This was pretty refreshing to see. It was smooth and as End mentioned earlier, the technique was lacking, but it still worked. Sometimes overcomplicating things does just that. I appreciated this, my favorite bars were the opener and closer.
Good work.
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Hyperactive
Groupie Joined: 03 August 2015 Status: Offline Points: 113 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-0 Form: WWW |
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Thanks for the feed guys, much appreciated. Just started typing and that's where it took me. The last few lines were basically the start of a chorus, but I just left it at that and logged off. Maybe I'll add on to it in the future.
Again, thanks for the feedback.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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i liked the rhyme scheme, and the emotional aspect was there. i would have personally liked to see the vocabulary heightened a bit as it was portrayed using just very common choice of words, coupled with a topic that gets done many times over (myself included). . just seems like you could have reached farther into your bag of tools to find devices that would give it that extra umph. I will say, this would probably transfer to audio really well. anyway. . cool piece, keep the pen moving
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