Open Mic: Fortitude |
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Absolute Abomination 
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Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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 Topic: FortitudePosted: 08 August 2020 at 1:42pm |
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mental walls sturdy like a great oak but the hunger pain grows, weeping as i hang from willows never saw myself beneath the mangroves top of the evergreen has been the goal always row the boat, never happy staying afloat hand me the rope, put an end end to this sick joke tie the knot around both and swing between two palm trees as the dirt rip tides, and the water land slides watch the fish fly, as birds dive these are views from my third eye puff nimbus clouds in the night sky i and i alone sit atop of throne and topple atlas stones, crush a giants bones into angel dust and burn down its home what was once mine is now mine again with midas hands collect the golden egg then crack it open free the goose and all the gold it was holdin as i pray to odin, please forgive me, no scoldin look pass my low key treachery, heres to hopin i know it, mjolnir, keep the hammer with me i aint safe on any street walk a flocka flame holdin some cinder blocks run across the hot coal, if im lyin pause --- now you know im not serious, so delirious from an overheatsroke of genius bars so hot they must be photoshop guess i really need it bars so high i am barely near it guess again im reed richards fantastic with the reach, yeah i exceed it havent started to rap yet, im still sleepin
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Objective
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Joined: 14 March 2020 Status: Offline Points: 22 |
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Posted: 10 August 2020 at 2:20pm |
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Really enjoy the opening to this except for the word "but" in the second line. Normally I wouldn't care but since it's in the intro the word "but" kinda overshadows what's already been said and tells me to pay notice to what's coming next instead, perhaps "and the hunger pain grows" would leave more of an impression on the reader? Idk, just some thoughts.
"always row the boat, never happy staying afloat hand me the rope, put an end end to this sick joke" ^Cool concept, could have been executed better imo cus it jumps a bit too much from being on a boat and wanting to stay afloat to a completely different visual. Not sure if you meant that you wanted out of the water, get back on land, and that's why you wanted the rope that may be tied to the boat or something? Or if it's literal that you want to hang yourself, or both. I don't know, something to make it clearer and tie up that concept together a little bit better would have made the couplet stand out a bit more. I think you started off really great, dope visuals, painting the picture etc. but this one became a lil bit hazy to me. puff nimbus clouds in the night sky ^Love this visual i and i alone sit atop of throne and topple atlas stones, crush a giants bones into angel dust and burn down its home what was once mine is now mine again with midas hands ^This could have been a poem of its own. Dope section. as i pray to odin, please forgive me, no scoldin look pass my low key treachery, heres to hopin i know it, mjolnir, keep the hammer with me i aint safe on any street ^As a Norwegian, and knowing what Odin and Thor not only stands for but how they got there, and currently also reading Neil Gaimans retelling of Norse Mythology, this was pretty dope to me. The last paragraph was a bit lackluster to me. I understand it was to wrap up the piece with some braggado but the piece as a whole had a lot of different elements, that are all cool in their respects btw, but like the afloat/rope thing I touched on earlier it jumped a bit too much overall. The red thread was kinda there, sometimes it was very present and other times it seemed like a stream of thoughts. Overall a cool read but I think a more consistent red thread and a little bit more work on certain lines would make this drop go from a "cool piece" to "solid".
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Absolute Abomination
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Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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Posted: 10 August 2020 at 3:09pm |
thanks dude, i think this is a common issue i have. Usually when I write, im just rappin to myself and come up with a bar i like and then key up a few more things that follow that theme...then i lose focus and worry more about the rhyme scheme, etc. i tend to trail off, but overall im happy with the lines themselves. its only after i consider something finished, a few days later ill realise it definitely isnt complete.
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Objective
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Posted: 11 August 2020 at 3:25am |
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Word. I used to do the same thing. Lately I've been letting my verses linger for a few days, go back to them with fresh eyes (sometimes I just end up deleting the whole thing, lol), edit some stuff or leave out sections/couplets etc. for later use in its own text document or start writing a whole new piece, leave the original be for a day after these edits, then do the final edits and posting it up. You'll notice a huge difference and will grow a lot from it if you haven't done so before or don't usually do so.
It may seem boring at first cus I know the craving to just post it up, but once you're in the rhythm you'll always have something new to post up that'll most likely be solid from start to finish.
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Concrete
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Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Posted: 12 August 2020 at 8:26pm |
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I think this started pretty fresh with some playful standout lines, overall style is cool with not too advanced and not to basic. Kinda slacked off at the last segment tho. With some more refinement you can easely go from good to great.
Anyways, I liked these lines here:
top of the evergreen has been the goal always row the boat, never happy staying afloat with midas hands collect the golden egg then crack it open free the goose and all the gold it was holdin as i pray to odin, please forgive me, no scoldin look pass my low key treachery, heres to hopin |
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spume corrupt
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Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Posted: 12 August 2020 at 11:14pm |
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Always enjoyed seeing you get better brother and reading this drop I can see you are staying on that upward trajectory
Writing done properly is all about bringing it organic from inside and you definitely do that So over the years I have gotten feedback that has really helped me for sure but honestly sometimes I felt like telling the feeder to climb down because I knew I done it the way I wanted it, always though the feed was appreciated I enjoyed the read brother especially seeing how you are improving and finding your place keep doing you because you have so much potential I’m gonna offer some small advice that I hope will open your eyes and elevate you It’s on a take it or leave it basis and just my opinion |
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spume corrupt
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Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Posted: 12 August 2020 at 11:25pm |
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Never SEEN myself beNEATH the mangroves
Top of the everGREEN has BEEN a mans goal Right there brother It’s not perfect but I’m showing you that rhymes can enhance everything but ultimately good word placement will always enhance flow Respect my man keep on keeping on |
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Objective
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Posted: 13 August 2020 at 12:21am |
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Spume corrupt is definitely right. Feedback is just that, feedback, it doesn't have to mean anything. Pick apart what you think will help YOU get better in the way YOU want to improve and develop your style from there, I've disregarded feedback in the past quite a few times but it's always appreciated. That pertains to other things in life in general as well. Peace.
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Crimson Juice
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Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 18 August 2020 at 11:32am |
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The 1st thing i noticed here were the concepts and the thought process behind
them, they came off like passages because you expanded them, a real nice touch that, as most ppl just skate through concepts really instead of delving in and broad- ening them, refreshing, i also liked the simplicity factor, for me it added a layer and kept it all in check, there's a lot to be gained from keeping a verse simple in rhyme scheme, it stops it being over burdened with needless complexity which can fuck up a good scheme if the subject matter doesn't call for it, like here, i also found this piece to be quite expressive too, the imagery was cool and subtle not over worked or forced, this was a pleasure to read..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
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Objective wrote: