Open Mic: school movie has a rap part that needs some help

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dollaz View Drop Down
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    Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:07pm
there are 2 main characters in this play and they are having a rap battle i wrote the raps but they didnt come out as good as the should so cheak them out and if you can plz see if you can improve them and tell me plz which 1 is better they can only be 8 lines

PS since they are for skool, they cant have any bad laungage or bad things


Edited by dollaz - 22 April 2006 at 1:15pm
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote dollaz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:10pm
the first 1 i need help in is

I'm Eddy, and i'll tear you like spagetti
messin wit me will get your head heavy
my crew is the best around
so if you make a bad move
we'll take you down
but keep ur head up high
don't mess wit us
you'll have no problem wit the rest of us
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote dollaz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:14pm
here comes the second 1

your dad is asian
your mom is cocasion
so if you mess wit us, u better not be scared of our hattians
representing our nation
bringing beef back to this hood
even though we should
finish you off
oh, yeah we already did that enough

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Demonic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:15pm
Its too basic ... even for skool ... work on the flow ... use some multis too help with that ...d/w bout wordplay because it'll be more than likly that your skool mates wont get it .... so yeah work on the flow by adding some multies


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote dollaz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:15pm
what are multies and thanks for the advise
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Demonic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:26pm
"Look, I don’t remember much…but it was June…at the dusk
I was cruising, no rush, when a BOOM hit ma truck "
Game^
Its rhymeing words withing the bars aswell as at the end of the line...as you can see from that....There are alot more ppl on this bored that can explain better but im here atm so there ya go ...
Also if you need further help i suggest you read some of the tuts we have ...

Eg: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=4590
or:  http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=7291


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dollaz View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote dollaz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:28pm
thanks thats real good but which 1 u think was better the first or second
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Demonic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:47pm
well to put it blunt the both shit atm ... i think you should re-do them... Make the lines a little longer ... an do what i said by adding multis to build up the flow....

if you really wan me to choose then it'll prolly be the first ... second one is shit


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote dollaz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 1:49pm
thanks man ill redo both
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote -Orion- Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 4:27pm
Actually, the multi there isn't just the parts Demonic put in bold... June at the dusk, cruisin' no rush, boom hit ma truck
. . . Now who said they fuckin' with me?
They just said that FUCKIN' with me
They didn't mean it
Nah . . .
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Mackie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 6:17pm
read the tuts n make sure u cover all the bases.. follow it step by step.. make sure u try everything in there.. then sooner or later u won need emBig smile...
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote dollaz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 April 2006 at 8:27pm
trhanks man
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