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Crimson Juice 
Site Moderator 
Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
 Topic: [FTSS] Crimson Vs The Rap Daemon (3-1)Posted: 05 September 2018 at 12:31pm |
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Life In Victorian London..g/l.
Edited by Endeavor - 20 September 2018 at 9:17am |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator
Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
Posted: 05 September 2018 at 2:25pm |
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Life in Victorian London.((an abstract view! ))
"I'm a child earning during the industrial revolution, Age 9 lackin' the masses,seen as a viable solution, Sold by a work house like it was child prostitution, To become a perk or pawn to a greedy institution", A mill owner paid a price for me to operate a device, The promise of nice food n money was like paradise, Without care work became a substitute for welfare, Like a trap i felt ensnared everyday I'd say a prayer, I'd keep the tracks clean crawling inbetween machines, environment was cold n mean, unable to use a latrine, & fibres soon embedded in lungs which spells doom, Death awaits some by the spinning process,it looms, For elite its a prosperous age there's no public outrage, Kids who work n die are insignificant on history's page, Titles like Pioneer's visionarys were selected for them, & monument were erected to these alleged great men, |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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The Rap Daemon
Standard Member 
Joined: 05 August 2015 Location: Purgatory Status: Offline Points: 1108 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-14-0 Form: LWLWWL |
Posted: 08 September 2018 at 8:55am |
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Sorry, just gonna say I had to rush this... Past couple of days I've been looking after my Mum who wasn't feeling well, and that came first. Had to write this quickly this morning as I didn't just wanna not show, as Crim' doesn't deserve that.
This victorian tale, a big glorious fail Can't afford to live, all of this human right shit is A revolution? Right, but it's ruined my business More like evolution, surpassing the great 'n' ancient Lost the grips on the kids, as education takes 'em And now middle-class 'knows' the entertainment industry No fun for the workhouse, they don't take a 'sniff' at me And the poor need a wage, so they make a lecture I can't provide for trash! I'm no waste collector! I value the ways of royalty, these new values are evil Giving heightened importance to the average people Industrial Revolution, amazing words off the tongue made tasteless S'what happens when you allow bottom-feeders to taste greatness And this is improvement, right? Not for the age old as we modernise I can't see how this is a step forward, we're not accustomed to modern eyes. |
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Faggot
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Ridley Squat
Street Team 
Joined: 20 November 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 830 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-6-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 09 September 2018 at 9:43pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Yay. A battle to vote on! Let's go. CJ Liked the title. Found it hard to get the rhythm straight from line one, (and this was the case on and off throughout). Might I be reading it wrong? Maybe, but a decent rhyme should fall into place without me having to work to find it. In short, I thought it would benefit from thinning out the syllables in places till it read more smoothly. Lots of "---ution" rhymes ... OK, does actually sound alright, but as multis go, it's a bit of a cheat and does come across a bit underwhelming. On the whole I did appreciate the content being described, but felt it was missing something to give that zing. Maybe a little intimacy in the rhyme-scheme. RD First off, fully feel you bro, Props for bringing a decent showing tho, and doing your son-ly duties, Hope she feels better man. Now it's hard to say anything negative when I know you more or less free'd it. But then again, I haven't really got that much negative I wanna say. I can pick up the flow easily There are decent multies throughout which makes it a decent read The take on the subject was interesting I will say the waste collector play seemed out of place for the style established And the last 4 lines stood out as syllable heavy But on the whole I feel the time limitation may have helped you to not over-complicate as can often be the case. So, to vote MFVGT The Rap Daemon |
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Ridley Squat
Street Team
Joined: 20 November 2015 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 830 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 9-6-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 09 September 2018 at 9:46pm |
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I can't edit that.
But I'm pretty sure I typed "intricacy" not "intimacy" |
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RosenBoss
Groupie 
Joined: 05 September 2018 Location: Nebraska Status: Offline Points: 66 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-0 Form: LL |
Posted: 15 September 2018 at 1:40am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Interesting topic to battle on CJ - I thought the flow was spot on. I had to change my accent a bit to get the flow, but it kept cadence the whole time through. You really captured the struggle and the "dark" side of the revolution that was often overlooked. I'm in the US, so I didn't learn about this particular revolution, but I bet is much the same as the USA was. It was after the revolution work age restrictions were made and several years later more laws came to protect the "working class". RD - props to taking care of your mom. Real life always come first. I like how you took a different approach entirely. It flowed well, but a few lines were a challenge for me to keep the flow. But I also understand that tempo can change through a verse and if it isn't spoken, sometimes it impossible to pick up the different speeds and emphasis on syllables. The content was great and it stayed on point throughout the entirety. My vote goes to CJ - I like how the abstract view played and the cadence of the piece carried throughout. Vote - CJ |
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Sammy
Site Moderator
Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 15 September 2018 at 2:00am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. crimson - i have to echo, Ridley's comment in that the -ion rhyming of that first stanza was a bit repetitive. I get that the content was there but it wasn't engaging in an auditory sense, u know? That aside, this was a pretty interesting piece. i'm not too verse on the labor history of england (or wherever you're from) but i think u established the plight of the people pretty well. one thing that often pose as problem with your work is the flow. I think it needs to be refined and worked out. take this example: & fibres soon embedded in lungs which spells doom, Death awaits some by the spinning process,it looms, i think i can see how you would think that would work but it does not. now the irony was that the concept of that couplet was great. cool metaphor and descriptive language. overall not bad, my man. TRD - fail/bill was a bit of a reach bro lol. for a rush piece this was pretty good man. Your overall command of topical writing has improved, as i have mentioned many times before. rhymes are crisp, wordage are definitely getting better. Now the problem with this piece was that it didn't tackle the topic. Correct me if i'm wrong but wasn't the topic victorian era london? This read a bit more modern to me. And i couldn't quite connect the concept to the topic. As a result... vote - Crimson juice. Mechanically speaking, its not the better of the two pieces but it was more in line with the topic, otherwise whats the point of having a topic. THanks for the read, gents.
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Posted: 19 September 2018 at 10:38am |
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This needs two more votes famsies. Let's goo! |
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#Bananas
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Dntplywelwitothers
Groupie
Joined: 30 November 2013 Status: Offline Points: 172 |
Posted: 20 September 2018 at 7:58am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. CJ~ Your opener has its highs and lows for me, on one hand... the suffix rhyming, is off putting...but... on the other, you hit the topic straight forward... if this is a quote from a nine year old child during that tyme period, then they're not really worried about particular writing elements, this seems like a child keeping a journal as they did during this era...so it turns out to be clever. You have a good take on the topic, again going right into the belly of the beast, your storyline has no fillers, and it focuses on the perspective of the child, and although it lacks in complexity it gives a good account on events that took place. Your rhyme scheme changes three tymes in odd places and that's interesting to me...because it still compliments flow , which is steady throughout... Your closer was the line that stood out the most, I think it brought the whole thing together, and it was based on facts. RD~ You took a different approach to this topic, from the mill owners point of view, but it seems more like it's around the end of the era, as things are starting to shift...some of the children have grown up and now they're making noise for change. I like the direction you took this, your subject seems outraged to be losing his grip on child labor. There is a lot of detail about this subjects state of mind, but minimal detail about his actual life during this era...I think that's the main thing missing from your verse. I don't think if goes off topic, as I'm sure this was a situation that did effect people...but I just don't think is really addressed the topic to full potential. As far as everything else, your flow is on point...and everything falls into place as far as structure and rhyming... this was a good verse. (Hope your moms feeling better) Vote-CJ I think your drop, was more on topic. Appreciate the read fellas! |
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"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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Endeavor
Senior Moderator
Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Posted: 20 September 2018 at 9:19am |
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3 - 1, Crimson wins.
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#Bananas
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