Forum LockedWicked WordSmiths: out of my mind!

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
evidentz View Drop Down
Groupie
Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 15 November 2012
Location: indiana
Status: Offline
Points: 85
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote evidentz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: out of my mind!
    Posted: 17 November 2012 at 12:02am
words on a paper, syringe or a razor, put on a butchers apron, chase you out of anger, the hilltop strangler, fuck around and just mangle her, head, cut the body up, throw the bitch in the shed. corrupt since day one fucked up since age one, torment kids on the block, put chemicals in my spray gun. be little me, meet reality, suck yo ass up like there was no such thing as gravity. lifes a tragedy and im makin shit tragic, walk into random funeral homes and take a shit ib the casket. my brains gone, i lay around all day long, plottin shit to kill my dad and mom, ima tickin timebomb waitin to go off, yall soft like fake pussies, no bake cookies, you crumble, im out of this world like a space shuttle, call the plays no huddle, literally give yu an arm and leg in a surrand wrap bundle. back in grade school, these kids thought they were way cool, till i told people make room, empty a whole clip, so much blood, made it look like a wave pool. teachers say i need help, parents dont give a shit, strangled my brother with a seatbelt, stuck the body in the trunk of a caravan at a dealership. my shits off scale, hid in a hotel, sent a package to mom and dad full of anthrax in the mail. im sorry im so onry but satans takin over my body and makin me lose control like japan during a tsunami. look at all the people im chasin, its friday the 13th and im about to become jason!!
Back to Top
DressToKill View Drop Down
Superior Member
Superior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 June 2006
Location: Canada,New Brunswick
Status: Offline
Points: 6872
Crew: Lyricist Inc.

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 78-62-0
Form: LLWWWL
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote DressToKill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 November 2012 at 12:48am
You really need to break up your lines, I can't tell where one starts and another one ends, you seem to have some ok rhymes but nothing really outstanding. Still, a good starting point
The original comeback kid
Back to Top
Young Smokez View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 14 November 2012
Status: Offline
Points: 26

Text Rank: Unranked
Stats: 0-1-0
Form: L
Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Young Smokez Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 November 2012 at 1:07am
Yeah, just hit "Enter" after every line to make a more convienent way to read and type your bars. This kind of reminds me of an old school Eminem if I had to compare to someone, which is good in my opinion. You do need a better rhyme scheme though, there was a lot of basic rhyming going on and nothing that really stood out that would pull a lot of people in. I mean it is also your first post, so don't feel down cause I'm new to. But work on organizing the set-up more, use more comple words, and a few hard punchlines would make it so much better, believe me on that. Otherwise, keep writing and hope to see more drops soon man. Good luck.
I <3 Haters
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down