Topic ClosedUrban Legends: [R1-B2] Boss vs JVBM

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Scotty32 View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: [R1-B2] Boss vs JVBM
    Posted: 22 May 2014 at 8:14pm
Rules

16 - 24 Lines
Deadline: 29th May 2014 at 8:00pm BST (GMT + 1)
As a reserve, JVBM has until 31st May 2014 at 8:00pm BST (GMT + 1)
No extensions will be given - Late Entry = DQ
Verses to be posted in this thread
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Topic

You're a police officer who wakes up from a coma to discover you're being charged with a crime




Edited by Scotty32 - 25 May 2014 at 9:28pm
Great and Glorious Supreme Presidential Leader of the People's Democratic Republic of LA
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2014 at 12:41pm
6 shots, 1 round, easy catch and I remember turning around,
I heard'em saying I'm convicted, rapped and robbed, disgraced the police,
tis the sin city, staros on my shoulders have scars of bullets,
livin' formid, offences for being offenceless in eyes of powerless,
guess what , it got me in the mess,
how could I not sniff a conspiracy after shoving the devil off the armrest,
can't give any statements , so charged for the silence,
May Lord put this law keeper to a full stop coz now revenge is the mind set,
back then, I was goin' to break into the weapon deal,
my partner loaded his iron pills in my body,
All sold bitches, first bitch to be auctioned was the authority,
I'm reminiscent of squeezing to increase the casualities,
high priority, mothafucking blood of general security,
now I hear the nurse"Satanship is happening",
I don't wanna tell what actually happened to me,
If I could've been more vigilant, got my glocks,
coz he put his Colt on me like a jetter pen,
out of us two, Officer Connors was the better man,
reward, cash, hoes, if I move a finger ,
I'll get the report that I got faggot stained blood and,
they want me to suffer, watch them rule,
I was unfortunate to reach the hospital too.


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 May 2014 at 3:00pm
Devastated and surprised I had tears in my eyes, I couldn't believe
What crime did I commit And what time had I done it?, I couldn't perceive
All I remember is on the 4th of december i was out patrolling with steve
went to the station n came back with elation then caught a couple of thieves


Wait....

On the eve of that day I passed out on my drive way in my cadillac
I regained consciousness feeling a bit nauseas and felt a sting on my neck
What's this thing on my neck I asked myself as I constantly checked
A lil sore, but I didn't take it serious for I thought maybe I was stung by an insect

Still not sure, but then....

Came that day I was on duty with steve, at the gas station fillin' the tank
The radio came to life and brought the sight a robbery's takin' place at the bank
With no hesitation we jumped in.. tyres in rotation, I was the 1 to drive
Speeding through traffic almost became tragic but we were the 1st to arrive
Doors open, we took cover on the car's side with guns aimed at the guys
But....what I saw inside widened my eyes and made me choke by surprise
I saw 4 men and 1 of them looked exactly like myself from the criminal members
With hostages on the ground, 2 of them walking around carrying their handguns
still pondering, steve received a call and just said "okay", then hung up
Still waiting for back up, on the scene for 5 minutes and none of them turned up
Then my look alike ended up walkin' to the door like he's about to surrender
"drop ur weapon and put ur hands to the back of ur head", I said to the offender
Before I could say more I felt cold on the neck then immobile I was rendered
Slowly losing consciousness I saw steve holdin' a syringe and...
And that's...
And that's all I remember.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2014 at 12:20am
MVGT- Boss. 

JVBM: Long story short, whilst it wasn't a horrible verse, it wasn't impressive to me either. The narrative was very simplistic and predictable, and I feel like you attempted a rhyme structure that you couldn't quite achieve, so dipped in and out of it. It all just seemed a bit messy. Some positives though for sure, don't think i'm hating, there's just some improvement to be worked at. 

Boss: I like what I saw here man. Not classic shit, but definitely enough to install you as an outside bet for this tourney. Your flow was on it, no other way to put it. The fact that you did this with a longer line verse is even more impressive, and shows your skill. Great narrative, like what you did with the concept. Imagery was on point. 

Props to both though. Keep moving. 


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2014 at 6:16am
jvbm, schemes and flow had points of brightness, youve developed a firm grasp of throwin back previous rhymes in later lines and used it well throughout. a lot of your lines tho came across quite 'wordy', went too long without rhyming kind of. made the read a bit choppy and hard to follow. you had a well thought out concept but i feel it could have been executed better. im reading critically though, there was room for improvement but it was still a solid showing.

Boss, another well thought out verse, interesting story that maintained my attention all the way through. solid use of mechanics, specifically some really nice internals that made quality lines out of ones that would have otherwise been averagish. overall firm grasp on mechanics and quality story telling, great topical ability.

+1 Boss
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 May 2014 at 7:26am
JVBM in honesty you had very few multisyllabilic rhymes and some of your rhymes read as stretched and some didn't rhyme, having written it in past tense that made it read for me like it was off topic, the structure was helterskelter and the concept felt disjointed, there were some statements and an attempt at an overall concept but this wasn't your best verse, lots to elevate from here, stay up, keep elevatin'

Boss the parts I liked least were the opener cos it went couldn't couldn't and how the inner on the third/fourth bar went neck neck and how in the 9th bar you rhymed up up, thought that could have been more creative. Handguns didn't rhyme that good in your 8th bar and it was hard to tell at what point you were arrested same with JVBM but your inners were in there and you had some multies going on. Your verse flowed better naturally when read through and I liked the overall concept more

MVGT Boss
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 May 2014 at 2:54pm
3 KO to Boss, he's through to the next round
Great and Glorious Supreme Presidential Leader of the People's Democratic Republic of LA
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