Identity crisis: IC Round 2: Battler 2 vs Battler 7 |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Topic: IC Round 2: Battler 2 vs Battler 7 Posted: 11 February 2015 at 10:13pm |
Identity Crisis: Round 2 - 30-50 Lines 3-0KO or First to 5 - Battlers will be anonymous - Votes will be hidden - Wednesday February 18th, 11:59pm GMT time Round 2 Theme: Protagonist/Antagonist Voting rules: Votes will be hidden and need to be approved my a moderator. Please vote in the thread, and it will be revealed at the end of the battle. (Don't PM them) Voters must have 250 posts to vote (I think there was a couple shady votes last round) Remember those that don't vote will have money taken off if they win Battler 2: Mentally Handicapped Child Battler 7: Parent of a Mentally Handicapped Child Keep in mind that you do not have to follow a specific storyline.
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 19 February 2015 at 5:00am |
Battler 2 Mentally Handicapped Child "The Unloveable" When I was born I wasn't breathing As I barely survived- Came into this world without screaming with no one fairly surprised- My mothers care was described, as vacant basically non existent- Her love was just so non descriptive I'm unresponsive & the plot just thickens- Rot in prison is what should happen to my mother who never asked forgiveness- She drank the liquid, to get smashed plus she was crack addicted- A booze hound plus smack inflicted, my first everlasting vision- Was basically a white light that reflected as my casket glistened- But I lived trying to be normal but I knew that I acted different- I had fetal alchhol poisoning and was placed in foster care- No one had the cost to bear, as I didn't exsist basically just lost in air- Gone with the wind, nobody wants me but it made me the strongest within- Had the softest of skin, mentally bruised from my mom & the cost of her sin- Someone offer an end, as I stay unloved while my mother is off with her friends- Smoking crack coughin' her phlegm, in an alley cold with frost on her chin- I was shipped around nothing was permanent it took a while for my placement- A child should be sacred, but I'm unloveable with no denial that I'm faced with- My mother would go a mile to get wasted, & the only time she smiled was from base hits- I couldn't comprehend the basics, like how to read and write- I feel defeated when all I need is life, I hope it shows up as I actually believe it might- It was hard to brush my teeth and just the day to day essentials- I couldn't concentrate on simple things like how to trace with pencils- I knew I was a waste & mental, cus every nurse would say that it's okay your special- Then one day in my teens a lady showed up with tears in her eyes- She was very apologetic but I could sense her fear in disguise- She claimed I know you hate me and probably tired of hearing my lies- Then I realized it was my mother looking radiant clean and sober- She was in such a bad place that she was a devil on a demons shoulder- Please believe its over, I'm here to take care of you for the rest of your life- I was so stressed from the strife, and impressed with her sight- that I no longer felt like someone stabbed me in my chest with a knife- I learned to forgive her It was the only attention I have ever received- So you'll never believe she is here with me I could only treasure this dream- The pleasure I feign, for is finally here all the pressure just seems- to have vanished as it means more and this blessing just means- She will be here for my birthday she loves me despite my health- But instead I ended up blowing out my candles all by myself- I just forgave her and forced my self to say that I loved her- I had everything I wanted in life except for my mother- She walked out yesterday but she promised she would be back- I needed her like she needs crack, now I sit here alone cus she had to go & relapse- |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 19 February 2015 at 5:01am |
Battler 7 Parent of a Mentally Handicapped Child Raging is lame? But I've been made to train in the rain, God's the biggest bitch they way he planned to frame in my James, Its disturbing as fuck.. I even tried blazing the strains, I kept praising for change but the pain stayed the same, Perfectly aimed at my brain... My fate's destructive and weak, Causing me to loose faith while I rupture and bleed, I don't need no sympathies; they bitter like some chemical waste, I love my son regardless of what you think of his medical state, (but these people be like..... ) His first impression on folks; "This kid has deadly infection" "Look how his actions always trying to contradict his expressions" "he aint no precious, his father's in the depths of depression," "I think being special is the reason he's his daddy's obsession" Its the recession.. taunts pounding with a thundering sound, "look how his nose is trying to peak inside his stuttering mouth" "Too bad his family's bound with this stumbling clown" "his mother should stop covering how they struggling, now. " ...... Wao! ...... Son, A trembling base... Life is deadly like a rattling snake, With the travelling pace.. faster than my paddling rate, I confess your dad was average at handling weights, I tried battling but couldn't change my Dangling fate, It was challenging to manage all their strangling hate, And those mean mugs that put me in the blackening state, Am I staggering ? Nope, its just my maddening traits, I prefer planting ..I've never kept wilt saplings cased, Its more logical,right? I have always loved you son.... I hope you know your dad cares that's why he acted this way..... ** a slight push over the edge of that cliff.....and I turned around with running eyes** --------------- [A DAY LATER] "what.... Da.... Fuck..... " "what have ya done to yourself?? " [Letter] Dear Dad, You couldn't hear when your angel used to mumble in dreams, With jumbled thoughts, " why am I so abandoned and weak"? My essence was plundered like them drunkards in streets, And whenever I tried.. It took me hundred feet deep new jumpers and streaks didn't reflect I was blessed on, It didn't hide I was being neglected and stepped on, I look for perfection? Who else should I expect from? But fuck it, Its the time to cuddle this death spawn You thought you're done with the cold but now you're caught in the breeze; YOUR BELOVED JAMES USED TO RAPE YOUR DAUGHTER IN SLEEPS, As I watch me bleed and feel being freed from this room, Can YOU READ that you've also Killed his SEED IN MY WOMB? ........nothing more to say really.... Your neglected daughter, Halie ---------- WAIT!! Before you go wild and put the blames on me... Who was mentally RETARDED?? JAMES OR ME!!?? |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 19 February 2015 at 8:10pm |
Battler 2 - I think you had a tough job on this topic, it's a really difficult one & I think I'm going to have to give you a degree of leniency with the flaws (more on those later)...first, what I liked. Smoothly written, really good rhyme scheme and complexity of rhymes...you basically oozed highly developed sense of style in that you were rhyming on a high level but it didn't really get in the way that you portrayed the story. I also really liked the way you tackled that 'way you got the handicap' with the mothers drug addiction & then relating that insatiable desire for crack to your characters longing to be accepted & needed. It was a really good spin on the topic, you made it about the person beneath the condition rather than the condition.
In terms of the flaws...I think the details were a bit blurry / choppy, like were you in foster care or not..I don't think social services would let a child with that kind of specialist need bounce around (maybe I'm wrong!!), not sure the person would even remember the earliest years of their life, especially with a mental handicap. Finally & toughest from the "topical" perspective, is the voice of the character didn't really match the mental handicap of your character...like you're talking about someone who should be struggling to understand the world around them on a basic level & you're describing that in a detailed/eloquent way from a first person perspective, that doesn't really match up. Obviously, you can write it very basic, but I would've looked for some kind of recognition of his handicap within your verse from a stylistic point of view to hit that super high level "that shit was amazing" type comments. But overall I thought this was dope, very progressive way of approaching the topic and I enjoyed it from both a style and story point of view. Very strong drop. Battler 7 - hmmmmm...I'm a bit conflicted on this one, it was kind of both sides of the coin. What I liked: I think you had some genuinely show stopping lines in here, the contradict his expressions...wilt saplings was dope imagery, I really liked the "dangling fate" part too, the rhythm accentuated it and really brought it out. I think the closer was a sharp way to close it off. I also liked that you made it episodic, so you didn't really dwell in any particular area and automatically freshened it up. I think you also struggled in multiple departments...consistency was a big one, coz although I saw some very high quality in there if I'm honest after the first section I was like "yeah, this is going to be a clear victory to the other guy", then you hit me with the second bit which made me stand up and be like "whoah, ok, maybe not"...I think some of your content felt a little wrapped around the rhyme scheme you had, so at times you kind of focused on the structure a bit too much (that contrasted to the very smooth and cohesive feel that came across from your opponents verse). I also felt that the story wasn't great...killing the son is kind of obvious & then you are almost melodramatic in that you go for a shock factor with the letter that I don't think really worked at all. So yeah, overall your high points were really high quality but I think you maybe tried to be a bit too clever with it and that hurt your verse as a whole. I think if you'd maybe focused more on the parents emotional turmoil & developed that without the need for "action" and "elaborate twists" then you probably would've came across with something that felt a bit more authentic. It's a tough one...but I think my personal preference is for that more authentic, emotional, subtle approach so for that reason I'll be voting for Battler 2. I did enjoy both verses & both showed really good quality...just felt battler 2 did a better job of bringing it all together. Vote = Battler 2 |
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Shankley
Superior Member Joined: 03 September 2013 Location: Leeds, England Status: Offline Points: 3369 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 37-43-1 Form: WNLWWL |
Posted: 25 February 2015 at 9:59pm |
Battler 2: This was a great story, had good flow throughout and really nice vocabulary. I liked how he story progressed it started at almost day 1 and went on from there. You portrayed the character well and his life, you created the mother character well and how she was. My highlight was the section starting "I had fetal alcohol poisoning..." and ending "...frost on her chin" it was excellent nice emotion the imagery was great and just really well done. You had a tough topic but I think you managed to write an awesome verse with very few flaws in it.
Battler 7: Really great verse, awesomely written. It had a great flow to it and was really heavy in emotion which is what is expected in a verse like this. You started it off really well but my personal highlight was the second stanza it was in my view perfect no flaws it had exceptional vocabulary and word choice. You ended it well withthe letter from the child, i thought that was a good ending and very poignant. Really great verse here bro. Really tough choice here, two really great verses with two very different styles. I gotta go with the one I preferred and that is... MVGT Battler 7 |
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Rutter knows best
Senior Moderator Joined: 15 March 2014 Location: Manny hood Status: Offline Points: 4529 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-12-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 28 February 2015 at 6:02pm |
Handicapped child - first off, I liked the story. I thought the return of the mother was done well. That bit worked well as for some kind of change in the story. How he was prepared to give her a second chance and how it excited came off like a natural turn. The ends little twist was not surprising but a believable end. This was a well thought out little story. On the technical side I found the flow stuttered and stopped in parts. Squeezing all those internal rhymes kind of had an opposite effect in parts. Also a few syllable could of been cut here and there. I got more into the flow the aecond half.
Parent. As far as the story goes I have to say I found it abit confusing. I think the multiple character wasn't done as clearly as it could. Maybe it's my ignorance, it just felt a bit disjointed narrative wise. I think you if you had tried to juggle less your rhymes could of carried it off. Was abit unnessary, but you took a risk. Can't blame you for that. On the technical side it was really good though. It flowed well and the multi's and internal were there and did there bit. A strong piece from that perspective Mvgt - the disable child. The patent was more accomplished technically but I felt the child held together the better story and preference wise I preferred it. Well done to both. |
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#bananas
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
Posted: 01 March 2015 at 5:08am |
Battler 2:
I really liked the approach you took to this one here. You had a vivid imagery in your bars with a very detailed plot. You had a nice concept and ran with it, and I really liked the way you went into to detail and described little things like the frost on her chin bit. I like how you made the end seem to be a touching revelation to the broken relationship, but turned around and broke the relationship again. I feel like it was nicely done on top of accurately describing how realistic drug relapses are, and how it can even break something like family reconciliation. Dope shit. Battler 7: I was really wowed by this verse, top notch topical writing right here. You had an in depth storyline and really made sure you went all out, a lot of emotion and troubling bars. You had a very nice flow with some great internals and end multies. You tried to go in depth with the life long struggles of being mentally challenged with a lot of emotional shit that kept me all the more hooked. It really felt lik I was watching a movie on this shit, and that goes to show how much of a professional topical piece you wrote. Props. I really loved both of y'alls verses, but I can only pick one of you, so.... MVGT: Battler 7.
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
Posted: 02 March 2015 at 12:12am |
handicap - good mechanics at times, wordy in some lines, biggest setback was the depiction of the fetal alcohol syndrome didnt seem to be at the point of being handicapped, feel like you missed out a bit on that aspect of the topic. some nice images in the multi sets though, ending coulda used some more pizazz but not a bad verse.
parent - really cool verse. unique and abstract. the flow was good but in places it felt forced and unnatural but the content and your way of presenting it was fresh. one verse was good, the other was gooder +1 the parent
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dalinquent
Superior Member Joined: 04 June 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 4687 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 29-23-1 Form: WLLLWL |
Posted: 02 March 2015 at 7:44pm |
Personally I felt both verses could of been better but on with the vote #2 I have to be honest, I didn't enjoy your verse much. I felt like you tried to stress flow and rhyming way too much. It deflected the story, if I'm honest, I have trouble remembering details from your story. In a topical battle that should never be the case. In my opinion and experience story trumps all in a topical, therefore the rhyme scheme really bothers me. #7 Your verse started off really promising, but I was disappointed with the breaks involved. I understand why you wrote it that way but as a personal preference, I jus don't like when story are broken like that. It also made me realize as I progressed thru the verse that you were doing far too much for my liking. A good twist to the story can make or break a typical verse and I jus felt your twist wasn't executed cleanly. It was too much improper set up. A good twist blind sides, your twist was directed. It cause me to read the verse waiting for the twist instead of embracing the story. As things above considered, 7 gets my verse. The verse was jus better written and more ambitious in my opinion. Though work is needed, it was the better off the pair
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Beans
Superior Member Joined: 12 October 2013 Location: MA Status: Offline Points: 6718 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 95-24-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 03 March 2015 at 12:54am |
Battler 2... I thought this was a great read. Ur in depth description and emotion was awesome tbh. Couldn't Imagin this situation and the drug/drunk mother twist made the situation worse. The ending was awesome tho. Verse wise? Everything flowed nice. Wording was clean imo and had real feeling to it.
Battler 7 I liked ur approach as well. Thought u started off bland/simple. Then the story picked up. Everything flowed u had gold imagery. Ur ending was fucked up. Situation was wild I liked this out of the box shit. Overall this is fucking close. Second battle I've voted on for this tourny and I would say this is battle of the round so far. First battler had a cleaner verse. I felt the story more, as the second battler started off a bit slow but I like the turn around tbh. But I got battler 2 edging this not by much. Just for a smoother verse wording wise. And I just felt His imagery and emotion more. Cheers to both these battler man this was close Vote #2 |
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1-2 Season 1 Final Champ
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AxyRocker
Standard Member Joined: 16 November 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1297 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 23-40-1 Form: LLLLWL |
Posted: 08 March 2015 at 7:48am |
Trust me guys this wasn't easy to vote on but yeah I gave my honest opinions
Battler 2 - Verse was simply dope I would say and the way you delivered imagery as from another person's eye, you made it look quite simple while it isn't, verse had a very good rhyming scheme and had a pretty decent imagery with it. The syllable counts and usage for multis were perfect as fuck ! The emotion delivery was great shot from your side and I really enjoyed it very much. I liked the way you started it with flowing emotions but the storyline felt somewhat predictable for me in the end. Battler 7 - Verse was too as dope and I liked the way you had different aspects in this topical, the way you conveyed emotions and the imagery for the situation it was goddamn dope as fuck! The internals, multis along with flow were simply making it flow smooth like butter, enjoyed your story and I really liked the way you ended it and that was the part you won it for me. Also the way of showing different aspects when you showed how others thought about it and what you felt was pretty much decent concept. This battle was really hard to judge on but the only thing I can vote on is on the basis of who had the better story and concept and that is Battler 7 because both guys did extremely well, had an equivalent amount of good rythm and flow along with some epic imagery here ! Trust me he got my vote just cuz it couldn't have been left with a tie and he had an hairline edge over his opponent |
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
Posted: 08 March 2015 at 11:34am |
BATTLER 2 :
Your rhyming was good , but seemed a little bit forced to me , primarily in the first half of the drop. i think that you could have worded it a bit more smoothly but i still think that it was a good piece. A booze hound plus smack inflicted, my first everlasting vision- Was basically a white light that reflected as my casket glistened- ^^ I liked the wording and descriptive - imagery words you chose here. Very Deep , and very profound. even though you do not describe a certain emotion the way you dropped this bar was a very good display of it . Someone offer an end, as I stay unloved while my mother is off with her friends- Smoking crack coughin' her phlegm, in an alley cold with frost on her chin- ^^ i thought this was a sick ass well executed line and you used great imagery and your rhyming was on point here Then one day in my teens a lady showed up with tears in her eyes- She was very apologetic but I could sense her fear in disguise- She claimed I know you hate me and probably tired of hearing my lies- Then I realized it was my mother looking radiant clean and sober- She was in such a bad place that she was a devil on a demons shoulder- SOOO EMOTIONAL HERE. i think that the emotional aspect got turned up a notch here. This was honestly my favorite section out of your verse Overall i think that your verse was good but i just think , as i stated above, that in parts you could have worded it a bit better and the rhyming seemed forced in a lot of places. BATTLER 7 : I think that your verse was alot more aggressive and i feel like o executed the third person perspective at a much higher level then the latter. Its disturbing as fuck.. I even tried blazing the strains, I kept praising for change but the pain stayed the same, Perfectly aimed at my brain... My fate's destructive and weak, Causing me to loose faith while I rupture and bleed, ^^ Sick rhyming and flow heere, mixed with your aggression, i feel like this wass a great choice in the first opening lines of your verse. really set the tone for the rest of the piece His first impression on folks; "This kid has deadly infection" "Look how his actions always trying to contradict his expressions" "he aint no precious, his father's in the depths of depression," "I think being special is the reason he's his daddy's obsession" This was my favorite bar set of the battle overall from both verses. all i ca say to this one is fucking ILL excellent drop with excellent rhyming , imagery story telling wording execution and you also used a unique structure that worked with the little adlibs in between witch added a flare of style as well. AWESOME over all i think that due to just having an overall better verse with a higher level of execution MVVGT- BATTLER 7 |
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 08 March 2015 at 5:13pm |
5-3.. or 6-3
Battler 7 Wins.
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