Identity crisis: IC Finale: Battler 1 vs Battler 2 |
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Scotty32
Site Owner Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10489 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
Topic: IC Finale: Battler 1 vs Battler 2 Posted: 06 April 2015 at 9:02pm |
Identity Crisis: Finale - Unlimited Lines First to 5- -Battlers will be anonymous- -Votes will be hidden- -Monday 13th April, 11:59pm BST time (GMT+1) 250 Posts to vote Voting is anonymous until battle completion Verses must be PM'd to me or Law Topic: There is no topic, you create your own story. The stories have to be strongly emotion based. Goodluck If you have any questions, post them here or send me a pm. |
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Scotty32
Site Owner Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10489 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
Posted: 14 April 2015 at 9:25pm |
Battler 1
As a teen I had an only friend N' that kid was flawless,
Besides blood, we used to share the same thinking process, He was honest coz our structure was built on a promise, And since the "Trust" was our bond; none never blinked my cautious, We split our losses ...and our wins were what we cherished together, Pain was lighter than a feather.. it just vanished like weather, Booze was our mutal friend, we had all the cheddar, Coz what matter's a life and that was lavish and better... It gets me flattered when I recall the time we spent, All the crimes ...he helped me to survive and vent, my prime concern has always been dimes and cents, He never tried preventing me from what I was dying to get, My mind was obsessed but He often rub his eyelids, He did want more wealth.. just not as much as I did, He was afraid of the sirens while I was made to be raw, blades and claws in my drawers explained rage as my flaw, Plus I never saw blessings even when it rained in the drought, Couple of pints and I used to start blaming the God, Breaking the law.. Pain was framed in a lot.. Anti social... I was trully insane with my thoughts, I never knew that Its always cold in the breeze, My big brother was four years older than me, He was holding my pieces that were broken in threes.. kept me closer than me and gave a shoulder to weep, He knew my problems just like he knew my hopes and the dreams, My soul was weak and he knew Ive often sold it for weed, But he flipped on the day he found some coke in my sleave, So he approached me and spoke "You wont grow up... Just leave...! " Geez! ------------------------- I knew a dude who used to call me "bro from another rib", We used to smoke dope n' stroke hoes at my brother's crib, He used to show off his wounds, they were owning his kuckless still, needa snort? All you need to do is blow em' some fuckin' bills, But Me? my confession; I always meant to respect em, He gave me valuable lessons to fight the depths of depression, He motivated me to struggle and invest in my actions, When I was stressed n' infected n' love was less in the fraction, He consoled me...when he got told of my colder state, Smolderin' fate and the weight on my shoulder blades, gave me rays of hope when my soul was stale, And when I stumbled... He helped me to hold it straight, But then... You see the light is like a life and it greens the pot, But then the same sunlight causes them leaves to rot He taught me to crawl but kicked when scene got dropped, I watched my blood bleed n' it never seized or stopped, I might be mean but that bitch went and drilled in my back, I never bought it since dude was really skilled with a gat, I tried to tell me lies but truth was instilled like a fact, He tried to rob my brother's house and got him killed in the act, So i gathered my strenght that the rage had left me, And did what you'd do... He got slain the next week! Shit! But... Who should I cry for? My love is still split, My brother like friend or my own blood that he spilt, May blessing be upon them. 1986- 2006 |
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Scotty32
Site Owner Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10489 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
Posted: 14 April 2015 at 9:26pm |
Battler 2
I coordinate my actions with the seasons; so things seem aligned
Harsh winter passed now I'm caught in the task of spring cleaning time The dream I've seen's defined; a spotless house from basement to attic I'm known for being neat. And I'd rather not be depraved of my status I slaved; everyday, until things were made as I'd fathomed I got to the attic; I'd realized my time wasn't wasted a tad bit Digging through old souveneirs collected from my past vacations Until I discovered a lava lamp; it's color caught my admiration A deep crimson; the red flakes inside sparkling from the glass "I remember this lamp from college; in that apartment where I crashed" I couldn't turn away from the lamp, it was like its color mesmerized me I hope it still worked even with the dust collection inside it I went to my bedroom and plugged the lamp into the outlet of the wall The lamp shone brightly; my room was instantly surrounded by a fog It was the color of the lamp; and so dense I could barely breath I rushed for the window; but was confronted by the scariest scene The smoke thinned out; I thought,"Something's making me hallucinate" Because as the smoke cleared; It began to form into a human's face! How doomed my fate! I felt paralyzed I couldn't move a muscle He said, "My name is Tenebra and I'm here to sooth your struggle Anything your mind desires; you can have it in a wish. And you're guaranteed three; make them last while they exist" I shook my head in disbelief; like "why did you give me these wishes?" "I have my reason's but quit kid; just wish and see if you like the results Or you could wish me away; I'll go back inside my light with the smoke I pondered; like should I really take an offer from a ghastly entity? "OK. I wish I was the richest man alive!" my vision blackened instantly. I opened my eyes to luxury; inside a room only fit for a king There was a jet outside my window; not to mention the picture's I'd seen With former presidents and celebs; and I'd looked as comfortable as ever I grinned to myself like damn Tenebra really gave me something to remember Or maybe I'd never leave; what could better then being a billionaire? These surreal affairs; if I ever go back; this could be a thrill to share! In a Gucci robe; I left my room to discover more of my new lavish life How did I get so rich? Was it through hard work or though avid spite? The hallways looked never-ending; so I rode the elevator to the bottom The first floor of the house was even greater then I'd thought of Giant Marbles statues of elephants; a crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling I'm never going home!! I literally had an abundance of millions! "Good morning Mr. Smith;" I'd heard from a voice that startled me I turned around and saw a butler; I couldn't avoid the comradery "Your breakfast is ready, and I also have some mail you should see" An envelope said urgent in red; it just compelled me to read It said "Mr. Smith, Ms. Smith's money is processing from your account It'll be half of your net worth, all towards supporting your spouse My mouth dropped like "what the fuck! This isn't shit that I'd live with!" I ran upstairs quickly; so I could fucking find Tenbebra to fix this I was eager to switch quick; I found the lamp on my dresser And plugged it in; I was trying to understand this digression The smoke appeared; once again I saw the face of Nebra I said "what the fuck is that!" you played me, cheater He said "what ever do you mean? Riches I gave; u seen em I can't control what changes around you; no way and I mean it" Pissed off; I said "fuck it I wish I was back to my normal life!" And like the first time; I blacked out; until the next mornings light. I woke up feeling the same. I mean I'd wasted a wish to fix the first I plugged that fucking lamp back in like bitch your the worst! Wished I could punch that smoky face, but shit it won't work So I'll make a wish on HIM, where he'll be the one that really is hurt I said Nebra! before u talk I have a last request to make to you I half chuckled; he wouldnt be ready for his fate, I assumed "I wish...that I could become YOU!! Yea, bet you didn't see that fate bitch! He said "If you connect the dots you'll realize that indeed I'm Satan! I thought about the red smoke; I pulled out my phone and Googled Tenebra It meant "The darkness in latin. I felt like a fool for believing!! Suddenly, things turned black; Then suddenly I felt an indescribable pain! It was like centuries worth of sufferage; I woulda rather died then complain! The devil was lurking; and tricking people into making terrible wishes But now that I'm the devil, I plan on continuing this perilous business. |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Posted: 14 April 2015 at 10:01pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator.
Battler 2 - Ok, This right here is how you get someone reading a long topical. The first verse really MGVT - BATTLER 2, his story was top notch and the progress made in the story kept me wanting more. This is by
Battler 2 - Ok, This right here is how you get someone reading a long topical. The first verse really MGVT - BATTLER 2, his story was top notch and the progress made in the story kept me wanting more. This is by far one of the best topicals i have ever read. DOPENESS. Battler 1 wasnt as vivid and direct with the topic which lead me to loose interest. |
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dalinquent
Superior Member Joined: 04 June 2004 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 4687 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 29-23-1 Form: WLLLWL |
Posted: 15 April 2015 at 12:20am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. 1st verse... honestly, didn't enjoy the verse all that much... the breaks and switching and what not made it Confusing to read... there were also sum easily fixable wording errors which proved to be eye sores... I found myself wondering how much more I had to read numerous times... the story was good, jus wasn't executed as flawlessly as it could have been... 2nd verse... honestly, not sure you fully address the topic... the verse didn't seem emotional in context even though the characters showed emotions during it... it jus felt like prose... the story was cool tho... it was worded simple enough to read well and it was actually a good read... the twist was cool as well... Idk, well I do but I don't wan it to sound like a landslide... on the one hand, 1 verse was very emotional but poorly written... on the other one verse was well written but lacking emotion... guess it is close... as much as I wan to vote for verse 1, I have to go with 2... it was jus written better and I can't write off the emotions that were in the verse even if they didn't make me feel anything... Battler 2 gets my vote for jus a better verse... props to both |
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nomedic
Standard Member Joined: 11 January 2014 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 1578 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 35-25-0 Form: WWLLWL |
Posted: 16 April 2015 at 9:48pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler one I must say you story telling ability is really great but i had to read your verse several times before i caught its tragic direction i liked how you spoke like a street guy not a scholar that was one of the strong points where i got lost was basically on whos I on this paragraph but i eventually figured it out the flow was balanced through out and the imagery too the end was pretty nice seeing how the character was left in a messed up situation in the end so i thought this wa s a dope rea no doubt Battler two Your piece was nice plenty genie tales have been done but seeing how classy your wording and schemes were this is the most interesting one yet the quality of imagery in your verse here was very high i could picture everything you mentioned here the twist at the end where y inherit the curse i found that quite interesting the flow and schemes were all present hence the rea was smooth and i thought this was a solid piece Over all pretty tough but i have to go with battler 1 his plot had that a more tangible twist and i felt it was more strongly emotion based due to its end solid work to both writers |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 17 April 2015 at 1:52am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 2: Your story is starting out really mystical in a sense. With the lava lamp. To be honest thats really nostalgic to me and hits close to home. I'm really feeling nostalgic shit when I'm reading someone else's topicals or just something I can relate to. It's something I hope to see but if I don't I won't judge. It's just a plus 1 in my book. You had a steady flow up to this point given a few lines. the vacation admiration lines flow wise was off. Also the exist and wishes line was off flow wise. but I did like the way you ended this section. flow wise and also with the concept. Your opening 2 bars in your next section was stand out I thought. Flow was on and basically just really well written. I felt in your next couple lines that you stood out with your descriptiveness of what you were saying. I'm a sucker for detail. Nice work. Nice with the comradery line. I can't spell it either lol. The way you ended this section was pretty damn good. The story is very unique and you kept my interest within the concept and having a a steady but also well written flow. Your last section was off when it came to the flow but the story you created and how you kept me entertained as a reader was pretty amazing. I was expecting something different at the end but maybe thats why I enjoyed this so much. MVGT Battler 2: I give all the props to battler 1 for the emotion and having a verse worthy of being in the final. but battler 2 really had me with how unique and out of the box his concept was. That is why I give it to battler 2
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
Posted: 19 April 2015 at 6:16pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Congratulations to you both on making it this far. Battler 1, you did an excellent job conveying emotion, was the strongest asset to your verse. Was technically sound, a great combination of flow/content. You progressed nicely, my only complaint being the predictability of the ending. About 3 quarters the way through it was clear to me that after building up both characters the only outcome would be a direct conflict between them. I wouldn't call it cliche but there was no surprise to it. Otherwise this was a delightful read, a verse suitable for a finale. Battler 2, I felt, especially in comparison to your opponent, you did a fantastic job concealing details in order to engage the reader. Even from the very start, you gave the lamp a certain mystique and continued subtly witholding information to keep the reader guessing. The three wishes thing has been done before but your angle at it, including the wishes themselves, was fresh to me. The ending was a little much for me, seemed too grandiose compared to the rest of the verse, but it still fit. Overall, it was mechanically sound and had a lot of depth. Two arguably 5 star pieces, you both put a lot into these verses. I enjoyed them both but the one that hit a bit harder for me due to depth and unpredictability was Battler #2. As someone who got KO'd in the first round, I have respect for both of you for making it this far.. Whoever fuck you are. +1 Battler #2
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 20 April 2015 at 7:29pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 1... Drought rhymes with pout, snout and shout...not God. Tbh, I didn't really like this...I'm don't really want to be negative on a final verse but it's hard really. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad verse, it's written fairly well...most part it was smooth. As above, you had the occasion where a rhyme didn't work & a lot of those rhymes kind of grated me in that first section because God/law/lot can rhyme but you're kind of mispronouncing the word to do it. So yeah, at times your rhymes did feel a little amateurish, but I do have to give you credit for not keeping it massively simple...I.e. You had 4 syllable multis regularly occurring, which isn't bad, but isn't outstanding. But I think the biggest problem with this was you didn't really get any kind of emotion into this...you mainly relied on narration rather than creating tension between characters and having interplay, all the elements that suck people in and make them want to read more and care what happens in the story. I didn't really get any of that from this, I think you had some good lines (e.g. Valuable lessons / depth of depression), but because you didn't really do the groundwork means that lines like that didn't hit as hard as they could've done. Overall, I thought this was a decent verse but nothing particularly inspiring. Battler 2... Whoah. That was dope as fuck. Absolutely brilliant. Thought it was a brilliant idea, fantastically executed. I didn't see the end coming & I really liked the closing line as well. I won't go into too much detail analysing it, but technically you were on another level to battler 1, the depth of your descriptions was superb. It's like you were broadcasting a film in my mind. I think ultimately the biggest compliment I can give this is it's a longer verse than the other one, but I didn't even notice or didn't care. It read beautifully and it keeps you reading, wanting to uncover more and find out what happens next. It's the kind of verse I'd be proud to drop in a final, awesome work!! Vote = Batter 2 because it was a great drop vs an ok one. |
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SwordedStylez
Superior Member Joined: 16 August 2007 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 4921 Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-0-1 Form: WWWN |
Posted: 23 April 2015 at 7:29pm |
Battler 1 - Ok to be honest, I actually thought this was pretty terrible. Some lines were entirely nonsensical like "none never blinked my cautious." It's just gibberish that rhymes. Most of the verse was basically forced multies and a boring story, the flow was ok but the words meant nothing of value and the coherency was terrible because you're forcing your rhymes all over the place. Sorry but this was a huge swing and miss to me.
Battler 2 - Flow was average, mostly on but very clumsy in places. Power-wording your shit would improve it a million-fold. Story-wise this was ok, nothing massively entertaining but it didn't bore me either. Again forced multies and stretched rhymes all over the place here. This was ok, I'd give it a 3-star "good" rating. My vote -battler 2 for a decent verse, battler 1 was terrible.
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Music
Ink - Always remembered, never forgotten (as a fake as fuck piece of shit who tried to steal 2 persona's) |
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Beans
Superior Member Joined: 12 October 2013 Location: MA Status: Offline Points: 6718 Crew: EMPIRE Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 95-24-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 24 April 2015 at 10:37pm |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. battler 1 - dope read, at one point i kinda got lost and had to re read. flow was on point, the story was nice as if i wrote from your concept i would get stuck in the same scene(probably why i can't do these) but at first i thought i had recognized what your talking about and thought maybe i knew who u were then where i got lost it flipped the switch. i think you could have had a better transition in perspectives. but an overall dope read battler two - flow, imagery, concept is dope! u started out as a neat freak type deal and got ur wishes than boom, greed took over and went back. then the ending you bit your tongue on that one. deff dope read for sure i'd consider this a HOF verse tbh but i don't do this shit so what do i know. overall... this was close, but because i got lost at first in battler ones, and battler 2's topic was a bit more creative as 1's reality? i got 2 taking this. dope battle to both V/2
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1-2 Season 1 Final Champ
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2511 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
Posted: 27 April 2015 at 6:09am |
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 1: I think that you had a very emotional story here but I felt that you could have done more with what you did because the concept you chose is a treasure chest of options as far as where to take your piece it was still good even though at certain points I feel you could have chosen better wording but you made it work My favorite excerpt of the piece? "It gets me flattered when I recall the time we spent, All the crimes ...he helped me to survive and vent, my prime concern has always been dimes and cents, He never tried preventing me from what I was dying to" Really powerful and well worded here. Overall nice job. BATTLER2:I think that your wording was good and you flowed strong throughout but this piece emotionaly just didn't hit it for me because it was so far based off of reality or a reoatble situation for the reader to be able too empathize with the characters emotion and I feel like in this kind of battle that would be the kind of connection you should make with the reader... Other than that good job. Favorite excerpt from the piece : "It said "Mr. Smith, Ms. Smith's money is processing from your account It'll be half of your net worth, all towards supporting your spouse My mouth dropped like "what the fuck! This isn't shit that I'd live with!" I ran upstairs quickly; so I could fucking find Tenbebra to fix this " This made me lol Due to the fact I think that they executed the "deep emotional" aspect of the guidelines of the feel each battler should have vraught to their stories... "MVGT- BATTLER1 " |
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Scotty32
Site Owner Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10489 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
Posted: 29 April 2015 at 8:14pm |
The battle is now over.
And the winner is Battler 2 with a score of 7-2 Edited by Scotty32 - 01 May 2015 at 8:55pm |
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