Topic ClosedHeat Wave: HW Topical (Rd 2) - Exo v Brenn

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: HW Topical (Rd 2) - Exo v Brenn
    Posted: 10 August 2015 at 9:24pm
Quarter Final: HEAT WAVE

Topic = Heat wave hits a city

Max 24lines
Best of three votes from nominated JUDGES
Deadline = midnight, 23rd August

Edited by Cuba - 24 August 2015 at 10:22pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 August 2015 at 7:11am
130 degrees in New York and its declared a record breaker...
A real test from nature, I bet we will lose so dont stress the wager...
Every breath is danger, especially im too broke to pay the bills...
No money to put the AC on & its the only time I pray for chills...
Today just kills, the suns rays are still, hot & deadly...
My hands are not that steady cus I forgot the teddy...
I'm a pops whos not that ready, holding my infant...
Wishing it was cold in an instant, I should of been bold with predictions...
He's better off alone I should be controlling my distance...
Instead I'm old & relentless, being aggressive & not a hold of contentness...
But my consensus is they never should have been switchin' his meds...
Cus now there's a heat wave as sweat just drips from his head...
Just tossin & kickin' shiftin' in bed, waiting for the doc to say, "listen he's dead"...
He was turning pink & than red, I can't fathom that this is the end...
So I called an ambulance with every part of my heart thats in me...
But they gon' be a while cus I live in the darkest part of the city...
Like we're not honest to god, so they are harvesting scars & it's gritty...
It sharpens my pity, for mankind and everything thats deep in my soul...
You reap what you sew, but I just want to love my baby and stay keepin' her cold...
They gave me advice over the phone but I forgotten what they tell me...
Now my little angel has these weird blotches on her belly. ..
Now Shes tossin' & shes sweaty, just coughin' now shes sneezin'...
barfin' & shes weezin as this heat wave hardly gave me anything to partially believe in...

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 August 2015 at 3:14am
"This is Poe Boy with LA 0311 radio 'The Leader'...
It's a hot one out there today folks drink up your liters..
the heat is rising 106 and going up..." *POP*
The sputter of the air condition clunking and stopped...
Laying on the floor thinking its so fucking hot!
Stay in Im dead to da door streaking for the parking lot.

Bust out-side, nuts swinging butts teaming, thigh stuck with cock...
Guys stuck beaming, girls screaming, eyes must all watch...
Plus my musk must smell of rot, but its so hot I could thrust a cop!
Sack bouncing a lot as I jog in shoes and just my socks.
Back roasting, the sun blistering my skin, hobos in box on rocks...
His locks drop like his jaw he faints on spot, heels over head loss of crocks...
As I trot I can feel the heat on my feet, I smell burnt rubber from my sole...
But the swelter is in my soul its bleat, retreat? its too much, the solar toll... 
My flesh is weak it can't stand the defeat my minds strong still far from my goal...
My will is breaking into a total fold, as if my molars pulled...
Frantic I panic stood static for a second feet numb an tired...
Turn to return, the burn at its height my sight drawn to the bum on fire...
What the fuck?! trees lighting like matches...
 Flame burstin on anything the light catches...
The cars tires blow lawns blaze as a plane crashes...
My skin melts the pain clashes with flames lit wicks on my eye lashes...
My last gasp as I try to laugh is flashed past fast then...
I re-open my eyes to see Satan..."you thought that was a heat wave?!"....laughin'
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 September 2015 at 3:28am
Exo, conceptually this was nice. The first line was a real attention grabber like 'oh shit whats he gonna do with this'. Wish the closer had given a more decisive conclusion to things. Mechanically this was sound although there were several lines that were awkwardly worded (most times just to match the crisply worded following line) but it would have been nice to see some more polish overall. You also referred to the kid as a he in the first half and a she in the second half haha. Solid verse but you could have polished it a lot. 

Brenn, loved how you started the verse, went from prose then rolled into rhyme and I loved it haha. Mechanically this wasnt bad. You overdid the rhymes in some lines, took away from the melodic read. You're at your best when you keep it simple rhymewise. What hurt you most in my eyes was the storytelling. Started off alright but the whole mid section felt disjointed, like a bunch of sporadic images as opposed to a rolling movie film. You pulled it together in the last quarter and finished strong with the closer twist but overall I felt you crippled yourself in the mid section, lost your momentum.

Both had room for improvement but Exo came with the more complete and enjoyable read.

+1 Exo
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 September 2015 at 9:16pm
Exo
Honestly bro I feel you went off topic here, not enuff to do with the Heatwave the story kind of just roams about for a while unsure of itself I thought........The sex of the child even switches at one point
Always nice to read what you write fam but this one was off point for me

JB
Ok so I did laugh a bit here and there with this one.....Radio skit was a bit cheesy but given the actual topic I think you used it quite well and got away with it just about
Kinda of crashed a bit in the middle but did recover towards the end...The little twist at the end was am gem idea imo...Overall delivery should have been neater..............

Just feel JB kept thing on topic for me so I vote....JB

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 September 2015 at 7:33pm
Guys, this battle should still be open...apparently I locked it by mistake. Requires one vote to close and we can crack on with the semis.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 September 2015 at 10:14pm
Exo. The storytelling here was really good and definitely your strong point. Though now that I got your strong point upfront it's time to break you down a bit. Rhyme scheme was super simple and at times it got into the way of making the read entertaining. Not saying it was like the the entire time. You just lost focus it seems here and there. Imagery stayed on point but wording was a bit plain here and there. You got the fundamentals down but you gotta raise the stakes a bit. Overall it was a nice story you told but the technical aspects could've been stronger.

Brenn, honestly wasn't feeling this at all man. For one. The story was super corny to me, and you only helped make it worse with your awkward wording and forced rhyme scheme. The intro make me think of a B-Rated Hip Hop film. I wasn't feeling it. Sorry man.

Vote Exo for the more polished, better overall drop.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 September 2015 at 11:28am
Exo advances
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