Open Mic: Winters Last Storm |
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 15 December 2016 at 4:35pm |
The scent of burning wood engulfs the frozen cottage Scottish bourbon with curtains open, its hypnotic snow blows cold, curling my toes with cotton snobbish scenery with cigar smoke nd' rocking moccasins green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidence neither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen The cold winds have frozen my heart with cognizance Im a dark novelist, i write scrolls that are provocative A martyr to my throne, A Trojan horse like subconsciousness night has arrived and so has the grogginess look out the window with bones tight nd slothfulness A corroded soul filled with no emotions nor prominence My wealth is bottomless but i remain anonymous I have gained economical bliss but i stay godless- with enough profit to feed a continent.... inter-woven pain shackled by incompetence My castle casts a shadow of a man that's provident I battle myself with the up-most rottenness The alcohol hits.... I head into the storm consumed in fogginess i saddle up my horse heading to the chapel of somnolence Kalashnikov gripped, shots crackle in my sarcophagus Edited by daydizzle89 - 15 December 2016 at 4:42pm |
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Elite
Superior Member Joined: 16 February 2014 Location: US Status: Offline Points: 3340 Crew: eNtiTy Audio Rank: #3 Stats: 5-0-0 Form: WWWW |
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This is seriously the best piece you've ever dropped in my opinion. It was just really poetic and vivid, something we dont normally see from you. Im used to the brag and disgusting horrorcore lmao. This is completely refreshing and i genuinely loved it. Awesome.
"A martyr to my throne, A Trojan horse like subconsciousness The night has arrived and so has the grogginess look out the window with bones tight nd slothfulness A corroded soul filled with no emotions nor prominence" Wow. Sick Stay up dude. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Yeah this works just fine..
The scent of burning wood engulfs the frozen cottage Scottish bourbon with curtains open, its hypnotic snow blows cold, curling my toes with cotton snobbish scenery with cigar smoke nd' rocking moccasins green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidence neither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance (that was some nice wording there I thought,and the theme of arrogance is depicted really well within this segment,the vocab was also slick here,liking the end rhymes too, the vibe via tempo and setting was portrayed well on the whole,I feel with an inner rhyme or two this would of been nothing short of tremendous..) the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen The cold winds have frozen my heart with cognizance Im a dark novelist, i write scrolls that are provocative A martyr to my throne, A Trojan horse like subconsciousness night has arrived and so has the grogginess look out the window with bones tight nd slothfulness A corroded soul filled with no emotions nor prominence My wealth is bottomless but i remain anonymous I have gained economical bliss but i stay godless- (this part was very poetic and vivid in imagery,i was feeling this here because your word choices are great,within them selves they brought along a depth of their own, plus it is an art to choose the most expressive also,a nice continuation that I had to break in order to leave feed..) with enough profit to feed a continent.... inter-woven pain shackled by incompetence My castle casts a shadow of a man that's provident I battle myself with the up-most rottenness The alcohol hits.... I head into the storm consumed in fogginess i saddle up my horse heading to the chapel of somnolence Kalashnikov gripped, shots crackle in my sarcophagus (firstly I like this part the most here's why,i now get the feel that an actual person or character is involved,in the previous segments you wrote from outside looking in,as here in this part you've become an entity so to speak,and to be truthful, if this was played with throughout,it would of made this an outstanding piece,as the dimension would be more relevant overall,still it takes nothing away from this drop,just a missed opportunity I feel as the mannerism with a character would be hightend ,..) Overall this was a well crafted verse,which made for a real nice read,it was expressed well and delivered with added flair due to the contents and concepts and wording,there were some nice simile/metaphors popping off also,a class read and worth anybodys time as their is a directional change in the way of subject matter here,ppl its not for once against the grain..solid piece solid read...peace. I hate predictive text..corrected some typos.. Edited by Crimson Juice - 15 December 2016 at 9:03pm |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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intrikit
Newbie I am Vib. Klean Joined: 11 September 2015 Status: Offline Points: 370 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-4-0 Form: WLLLL |
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what the fuck happened since i've been away? without adoubt the best piece IVE ever seen you write on this site. no complaints really, i enjoyed the story for what it was and unlike prior oms that i've seen, your rhymes didnt feel scattered but well placed, with content that was deep with a bunch of plays, nice rhymes and subtle metaphors. something the diz i know from when i first joined the site didn't seem quite as capable of doing. i mean you were ok but now you're just on a totally different level now. i enjoyed this and i am definitely looking forward to reading more.
Edited by intrikit - 16 December 2016 at 2:06am |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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damn, Day, u ain't playin bro. awesome verse. i'll be back to feed it after Star Wars
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Yeah, this was dope.
Not necessarily a paint-by-the-numbers type of piece -- the narrative wasn't cemented in a linear storyline, but for the most part I was able to get a clear idea of what was being expressed. I think you did a good job fleshing out the character's greedy and rotten disposition. I was able to form a mental image of what he looked like and how he acted based on what you wrote. I could also visualize the setting and surroundings, which was aided by both your words and the picture posted. So all in all it was pretty cinematic. Not to mention your flow was in the pocket and your vocabulary was in rare form. I enjoyed how you put this all together, Dizz. It was a piece that had a life of its own. Props! |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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hahaha Dizzle...this is what I've been wanting to see from you since day one...I will be back to drop proper feed tomorrow have to head out real quick..good shit
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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i have to echo the other setiments, this may be my fav verse of yours.
lets start with my favorite line: A martyr to my throne, A Trojan horse like subconsciousness that was fire. the imagery i get is of dark thoughts entering without you knowing and really eating you from the inside. snobbish scenery with cigar smoke nd' rocking moccasins yeaahhh word the fuck up! i call these style the imagery association. Like you pack a whole bunch of imagery where there's a connective theme and after awhile, even without exposition, ur idea can be realized by reader just from the associative list. DH Lawrence, the author, was fuckin dope at doing that. I'll show you what i mean: snobbish scenery with cigar smoke nd' rocking moccasins green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidence neither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen its like an associative character sketch that tells without "telling" nah mean? its hard to explain but i love stuff like that. There are things that i didn't find fitting of the overall quality. One of the minor issue i had with the excessive usage of -ness suffix. it reminds me of them -ion participle which i was never a fan of. Also i think this piece was too good for a suicide ending. minus those issues, this was quality stuff, my friend. Day is back, ladies and gentlemen. |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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See this is what the fuck I'm talking about. This is you actually showing your true potential. First off I can relate to the pic cus I actually live in a place like this now lol.
"The scent of burning wood engulfs the frozen cottage Scottish bourbon with curtains open, its hypnotic "--- Such a great descriptive way to open this up. I would have changed it's to so os just added so in the second line but that just me being a dick lol. This was a grown man line as I'd like to say. This is the shit I was always telling you."snobbish scenery with cigar smoke nd' rocking moccasins green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidenceneither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen"--- Straight killed it rite here. This is by FAR your best work. That Czar line was just dope as hell. Good vocab and smooth fucking flow but your not straying off your content. Maybe you finally didn't rush something?!?!? " night has arrived and so has the grogginess look out the window with bones tight nd slothfulnessA corroded soul filled with no emotions nor prominence My wealth is bottomless but i remain anonymous I have gained economical bliss but i stay godless- with enough profit to feed a continent.... inter-woven pain shackled by incompetence My castle casts a shadow of a man that's provident I battle myself with the up-most rottenness The alcohol hits.... I head into the storm consumed in fogginess i saddle up my horse heading to the chapel of somnolence"---dude I really loved this drop. I love content like this. My only complaint would be the ness rhyming for the whole entire thing. If you can switch from that in the future your be a real force on this site topical wise...you might already be to be honest dope stuff here dizz |
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Schematic
Groupie Joined: 08 November 2014 Status: Offline Points: 130 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Very well written, Nice Words
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http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/rapper-t-vs-schematic-horrorcore-02_topic45919.html
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Schematic
Groupie Joined: 08 November 2014 Status: Offline Points: 130 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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green beaded robe, eating caviar, toking with confidence
neither young Nor old but a Czar when it comes to pompousness In a lodge in Wisconsin with a repertoire of dominance the top opulence, an alcoholic robbing the congressmen The cold winds have frozen my heart with cognizance Im a dark novelist, i write scrolls that are provocative A martyr to my throne, A Trojan horse like subconsciousness night has arrived and so has the grogginess look out the window with bones tight nd slothfulness A corroded soul filled with no emotions nor prominence My wealth is bottomless but i remain anonymous I have gained economical bliss but i stay godless- with enough profit to feed a continent.... inter-woven pain shackled by incompetence My castle casts a shadow of a man that's provident I battle myself with the up-most rottenness The alcohol hits.... I head into the storm consumed in fogginess |
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http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/rapper-t-vs-schematic-horrorcore-02_topic45919.html
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