Open Mic: [Word Drop #7] Wal-Mart Love |
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NBread
Groupie Joined: 30 August 2016 Status: Offline Points: 90 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 18 January 2017 at 9:16pm |
Aisle 8 at walmart, sanguine mood, stocking the shelves.
Notice the pulchritude of this bitch by the fish sticks, size of a whale. Condom in my wallet is a relic, my sex life a mirage Lonely since that massage from uncle carl in mom's garage Her shirt a love handle tourniquet, belt is about to detonate I'll keep my depravity a secret, hope this bitch will cooperate She's within grasp but I'm approaching a disaster She farted so hard it knocked my name placard backwards Dazed from shockwaves I'm out, hasta la vista She literally turned shart into an onomatopoeia Edited by NBread - 18 January 2017 at 9:26pm |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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This was really nice. The beginning was rather slow, as I think, but you picked it up quite well from the 'garage' and 'depravity' part onwards. Really enjoyed the layered approach in this. Some of the references you employed were pretty humorous, and I thought you depicted the 'insight' of a scene here in a rather original and entertaining way. The ending brought an interesting 'closure' to the overall narrative. Good work.
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Sky Scrapur
Standard Member Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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lol the ending just kills me. Didnt see the legendary fart coming.
On a serious note i enjoyed my read.Good job |
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NBread
Groupie Joined: 30 August 2016 Status: Offline Points: 90 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Thank you guys. I truly appreciate it.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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lol! great entry, my man. not sure if anyone else went the humor route but, yeah this was certainly noteworthy lol
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HI-Z
Groupie Joined: 27 June 2016 Status: Offline Points: 196 Crew: Alter Egos |
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I agree with Alice the first few bars were a bit rough, but you turned up the heat towards the end. My faviort part was the detonate/cooperate stanza, you have some talent man. Looking forward to seeing some more of your work in the future. catch ya later
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