Text Battle Archive: [Text] Exoduzt vs S Dubb (3-0)

Edited by The Law - 22 February 2017 at 1:27pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Well guys nothing like making it hard for a voter eh..

S Dubb..

Well I thought your imagery within this was nice,an all seasoned pro,the inclusion of
weather and your character being weathered was real nice touch,plus the way you displayed his greed and determination was solid too,I could sense the eagerness the
desire that drives him,even warnings he dismisses as nothing but fables or botched
attempts from others,you really took me on a ride with your character here,this was
expressed real well overall,from contents down to depiction,all came correct here,the
ending of this piece greeted me with a mixed affair of failure and panic,plus it left me hanging also,(which added to the suspense you were creating),I thought your tale was presented well on the whole here,I really couldn't find many faults to be honest,well
perhaps the one thing that stick out is what caused his mask to tear?,after going in to
so much detail within,a little speculation on how this occurred would of sealed the path you chose going the detailed route,and further more I guess this wasn't going to
be the true ending for your character,as the word but at the very end suggests there an
instalment missing or waiting to be added,good work here,a real enjoyable and quite
gripping read..


Exoduzt..

Now your take on this topical was more for time than greed,searching for a stone that
heals all aliments and health related issues,on reading your piece the first image I got
was of a really big hour glass where the grains were in total free fall,your inclusion of
suspense mixed with urgency was ripe to be honest,as it's clear your character was battling against time via cancer,I could actually feel the desperation also,the focus of
your character to succeed was quite vivid,it was the little things within that made this piece a ripe read,the trail of stones, the damned if you do and don't scenario was some sweet depiction,typically set in a cave the pitfall scenario also raised its head which gave a really good account of the surroundings which I found to be subtle,this passive
style of writing here was also a. Fresh inclusion, plus it wasn't overly done either,and the ending was solid also,it was like he was being groomed from the outset,the satanic
carving the deceitful Shaman all blended to a pinnacle,your contents were solid here,
and like S Dubb I can't really find a fault here either,good work..


Overall a really tough battle to vote on really,both offerings were descriptive and well
layed out too,both came with a different approach to the topic also,one on land,the
other in water,and both gave a good account of themselves too,just to state this now,
if I could I would call draw,(real talk),but there has to be a winner,so with that im going
to go with Exoduzt,the reason is this,he's verse didn't leave me hanging,plus cancer is
something that i've seen and experienced via family alot,so I have a deep hatred for it,
aswell as a weired respect too,props guys I had to read both pieces over 3 times each to reach this conclusion here..

Vote...Exoduzt..peace.

    

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Another Dead Sea Scrolls Victim!

First off, please allow me to Introduce Myself!
David McCracken, back treasure seeking to Improve My Wealth...
Why do I Choose this Hell? It's Simple Really...
Grasping lost gold and jewels is an Essential Feeling...
But now I'm back on my Greatest of all Journeys...
Can't afford any mistakes, what's at Stake Is immense Earnings...
Couldn't Wait to Begin Searching one of the worlds top 5 legendary Lost Treasures...
Determined to discover each one! Sacrificing everything within any and All Measures...

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Lines seem to drag on here already, and that's not usually a good sign! So you have set the scene here pretty well but the opening definitely could be more ENGAGING, it's just a little bland...
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This intense search set to begin in Isreal.. The Dead Sea Scrolls...
Yes The Goal is seek and recieve without any extra Medellin Souls...

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So the multis seem really forced with this here, Meddling souls.... Best advice fam! Multis should impact the writing otherwise they are gonna look forced just for the sake of it shit, and soon become a chore for the reader...
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12

This will become mine, my search won't Rest no Sooner...
Death to all seekers? I'm sorry I'm not Impressed by Rumors...

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Like I just said bruv, see above, that there has nothing to do with your story, the whole bar was irrelevant... It did rhymes but in a very bland way, this is where your writtens could improve, 
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Treasure hunters prior all failed, I refuse to Join the Millions...
The scroll's estimated value today stand at one Point two Billion...
Gearing up I rented a boat, now I'm at the docks getting Ready to Sail...
Many have vanished while they examined the ocean, if the Legend Prevails...
Millions were Destine to Fail! Not me, the Scroll and I Together will Return...

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Hard work to not repeat myself here, I def Respect the EFFORTS you go to it just feels like you are trying too hard! The Overall results come across as overly contrived... Best advice.. Don't dress to impress just be comfortable!!!
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Forever known on Earth as the treasure hunter capable of Weathering The Worse...
Better knowledge Earned, by reading close Attempts from Others...
I've narrowed the search knowing exactly where to Begin down Under...
Deep In the Cover of the big blue! Ocean tides is all that's within My Eye Sight...
Hovering the same spot, awaiting to submerge when the Precise Time's Right...
The ocean Tide Fly's High, yet my treasure detector says it's Now or Never...
Unable to work Around the Weather! I can only hope I won't sojourn Down Forever...
Drown or Better yet, intercept death when I'm Submerged at the Deepest...
Expecting success, and yet stress builds at depths that Stuff Lurks without Weakness...
I see it, The Dead Sea Scrolls... Easily gripping Within Fists, All I Can Grasp...
But wait... 
Pressure's building in my lungs? Wait, what? It's a fucking Rip In This Oxygen Mask...
I Grip It And Off I'll Swim Fast! Rapidly racing to Reach the Surface...
Yet I collapse! Falling another victim, making this treasure Seem so Worthless...

but.....
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So I found this to be a bit labour intensive, the extra long lines were hard work and the end rhymes didn't really deliver.
I got the story and the little twist but despite that the drop felt devoid of life! 
It was very plain storytelling...
You have the talent Dubbs but need to learn a few tricks to make your writing more ENGAGING
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::The Ancient Onyx Stone::

Exhausted from my travels, I'm through with this feeling-
My mind's starting to unravel, Peru to New Zealand-
Searching for the Onyx stone, the Mayans used for it's healing-
A certain Ancient one that contains a magical essence-
This race against cancer has taught me a practical lesson-
That I should give up and withdraw from extracting it's blessing-
It's impacting my stressing- I should react with digression-
Until a Shaman spoke truth & the facts were exact that he mentioned-

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Not sure why you went 3 RHYMING line's to 5 RHYMING lines to build up the first 8?
Is that the done thing these days?
Either way this is a lot easier to vibe with than Dubbs piece, you have given the reader a promising start, the RHYMING is clean and enhances the storyline! Peru to new Zealand opens up the whole world; I am feeling Drawn in by the potential story here....
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We passed a peace pipe, he described trees and what makes the leafs bright-
He made me feel right, claimed you need night to see light-
If I want this stone I have to increase flight and decrease fright-
Left a map, this shit seems right , so Ima leave to'night-

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Kinda tripped over the RHYMING a bit here, but you have kept the theme growing well..
Enhancing the story, but the wording felt a bit too UNREFINED....
The peace pipe was a nice touch and the insight vibe was working well......
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I hopped on the next flight to Brazil, testing my fate-
Followed the instructions straight to the desolate caves-
Did I mention my rage?, mixed with all the stress on my plate-
Time is of the essence as I'm lessened with hate-

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Nice character development here, I feel you nailed the cancer thing here, bringing up time and hate and stress!
Missed one trick with wording! Hopped on a plane? No "hopping about" fam! It's wording contrasts with the accompanying Vibe in the set....
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I need to find Onyx this will be my cure for cancer-
If I don't? My soul can't endure the answer-
It's pureness factors, into the healing of my mind body & soul-
I gear up for the inside cus like death its probably cold-

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Very nice Vision here, drawing the reader to the cancer and the seriousness of the characters situation... And setting up going forward with the story...
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The cave is dark & muddy filled with snakes & bats-
I left a few stones in my path incase I have to trace my tracks-
I reach a steep drop off, damn! I don't need to break my back-
But I need to face the facts, cancer is here & I can't erase the past-

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Deep shit here!...An admittance of the facts!... And the apparent futility..
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I breathe heavily as I decrease into the depths of despair-
The less I'm aware of my surroundings, I forget the stress that I wear-
I stumble upon a pagan altar & I can sense the death in the air-
Satanic symbols chizzled upon the granite rock-
A figure appears in the shadows and the man just stops-
I don't understand his plot my heat rises & my panic tops-
I smell the peace pipe, He's the shaman with the map who acted nice-
He said "you stupid American, you will be my next sacrifice"-

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I love the story but it just hit the realms of far fetched niss, with the shamens return!...
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These creatures surrounded me he said" This is where my goblins roam"-
"There is no cheating death or a type of magic onyx stone-"

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Loved the twist but hated the Goblin thing! The no cheating death thing was dope though, and the curse for the seeker really worked
Just not Goblin shit!!!!!!!!
The end of this was almost right but I know you could have worked the same angle only better...
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I have to vote Exo here
The storyline was easier to take in and more enjoyable to read
He had experience on his side here and it showed thru!!!

Nice work Ex, maybe only 15/20% sloppy
Keep up Dubb, ou got loads of potential............

Nice battle though guys