Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Two: Battler 4 vs Battler 13 vs 17 Wins |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Topic: IC2 Round Two: Battler 4 vs Battler 13 vs 17 Wins Posted: 10 April 2017 at 7:08pm |
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Identity Crisis: Round 2 I blame myself for this, however, I thought we had a back out after discussion via PM. I had one more spare reserve that I decided to fill in so we didn't get a no show. Fortunately and unfortunately, both parties, the fill in and the person that I thought couldn't show came through. Therefore, we had an extra verse and a triple thread was the best way to resolve it without shafting someone that had written a verse. Vote them in order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd please. 1st - 3 pts 2nd - 2 pts 3rd - 1 pts First to 12 points. - 20-60 Lines - Best of 7 - Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden - Wednesday April 19th, Midnight UK time TOPIC In the link below is your topic/round theme. Edited by The Law - 20 April 2017 at 6:37pm |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:23pm | |||||||||||||
Battler 4 Mind breaker, serial life taker, call me the silent death For years noone's peered through the disguise I've kept Gods and Angels are not able to chart the lives I've wrecked No charges bought, I laugh at thoughts of the eyes that wept From my wicked ways, no twisted blades, I move like ether It's suggested thought, then next a corpse, who's thy reaper? The quiet sickness, minds afflicted, my methods are pure Try an' talk it out? All for nowt, there's never a cure Monster in the room locked inside of you, time to end it now Steel on the wrist, fulfilling my wish, I won't let you down Confide in me, give your life to me, it's easy to do I'll take the pain, make it fade, give back freedom to you Ask Kurt Cobain, I worked for days, he couldn't break my hold One shot, a son lost, I'm relentless when I take my souls Bet it's true that I've affected you, tell me, who did I take? Did I break you, make you hateful? These are the games I play I'm the whispered name, the missing face from your life They seemed so strong, now they're gone. I've taken my prize No remorse, I own your thoughts, can I break you too? Bet I will, my methods ill, what can I make you do... Humans are foolish, they all let me do this. Now you wonder, who am I? You know the name, I own the game. They call me Suicide. Edited by The Law - 20 April 2017 at 6:37pm |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:23pm | |||||||||||||
Battler 13 Three hundred years I haven't aged, now I'm Sick with this plague Nothing brings death slower to my kind than a victim with AIDS Amidst the feeding frenzy of this century, the newest risk that we take See Once Virgins they were a plenty, but you know the kids of today! So now as I'm drifting away, and this death comes to visit me let me transport you visually, through the depth of my history I was Gypsy of Romany, my possessions were few I lived through my witt mainly, and life's lessons accrued We obsessively moved across mountain hills and valleys In our quest to find food, it's about the skills that we carried. I was an acrobat firstly! Thirsty, I would perform and delight Outlaying villages were like sanctuary when a full moon was high Father fooled them with lies, selling his fine art for protection The wrong timber for their stakes, he carved them to perfection Holy water that was fake we collected from the streams an Lakes that we bathed in, that won't save them from demons! It was all a deception, we laid claim to the heathen The life essence of these peasants, was the main thing we needed A young girl in her teen years, selected for bleeding I'd always go third on the neck aggressively feeding When we left there was grieving and stress we'd departed Mother's spells stopped them seeing and kept them enchanted But of course we had masters, those to obey When the Count's daughter chose father they drove him away They would have killed him for Lilith, if he thought he could stay So from village to village we sought to escape Fallen from grace, when they captured my parents and ripped out their hearts Not knowing a son had been born them, I was hid in the cart Mother's last dying spell obscured me from vision Delivered me from hell and procured me my living But now I wish that she didn't as my immune system shuts down In the 21st century I am doomed by the humans corruption Edited by The Law - 20 April 2017 at 6:38pm |
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:25pm | |||||||||||||
Battler 17 Vampire
See, I know this story may seem crazy I was bitten at 45 in the winter of 1880 By the time dawn came I realized in the cold That the sun doesn't kill vampires like I had been told Never needed any sleep so instead in bed Realizing I was immortal I read and read Gained riches and power, so to feed my need I had young people kidnapped and set to bleed and bleed They were kept alive long enough to provide But eventually my exploits got tougher to hide I was getting stronger but it all began to sour Realized I needed to have political power Easier to do that with abounding riches So I put my money in the market and with compounding interest I was able to conquer corporate world Until America's economy warped and curled Fetishizing the power, I brought about a depression But for someone who's immortal, it's just a minor regression Underground labs kept the victims they got me Prescott Bush and I made money dealing with Nazis My money thirst and blood thirst have no division So during the cold war I helped demonize socialism Capitalism was what I needed to siphon up profits I own companies behind a trust, but my name's off it Today, my vampirism has corporate efficiency It's been decades since any money or blood insufficiency I eat blood sausages made from my subjects And there isn't one poor person I haven't fucked yet. Cause politics makes it easy to suck them dry I'm not a public face, never had to duck and hide Republicans make my life so easy, they have no scruples Corporate vampires, it's almost like they're my pupils I raised the stakes and eliminated all other vampires Not with crosses or garlic, the myths are damn liars I've sucked the life out of others for all that they're worth So here I stand as the most powerful man on earth |
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
Posted: 24 April 2017 at 9:59pm | |||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 4
Damn! The wording and the flow are dope right out of the gate. The way you put your scheme together immediately grabbed my attention. I'm digging it this thus far, both the mechanics and the content.
"...suggested thought" that's slick ass fuck! On some ninjutsu and stealth like shit -- as silent as a breeze or a phantom in the night. I loved how you described it.
Your wording, scheme and flow are all in the pocket, but I feel like the story itself is starting to get a little long winded. Like there is a lot of build up but no reward. All suspense, but no action. Feel me?
Well, that Kurt Cobain line suggest only two possibilities and that is this piece is either about suicide or drugs. OAN Again, I love the wording and the flow. However, some of the switches weren't as seamless as the previous quoted sections. It got a little patchy in parts. Still tho, I am enjoying how you're putting your thoughts together. And the evil entity that is attempting to corrupt and seduce the character is creepy and haunting.
Dope ending! However I'm pretty sure that in the topic discussion thread Law made it a point not to take this abstract personification of human emotion type of route. But whatever, you're not the only one that treaded down this path. As a whole this was a well written and executed verse my dude. You did your thing. Battler 13
Another dope intro. I love the flow and the whole concept of what I'm assuming is a vampire contracting AIDS. In my opinion that is both humorous and original!
The story is really neat and imaginative. I can sort of see the grime and sullen setting of a Romania province during the Dark Ages in my mind and that is kind of cool. However, some of the flow and the wording is a little rough and rugged around the edges and that's a little distracting for me as a reader.
I noticed a typo, but fuck it! This section was a lot smoother and more appealing that the previous one was and I like the road it's taking me down.
This is like a mix between 'True Blood' and 'Underworld'. I dig the narrative and the backstory, but I feel it has taken up quite a bit of your verse and derailed the course of the story from bring about a vamp with AIDS to what seems like an unrelated flashback.
Uhmmm, well you got back on track here. Although, I'm not understanding how Mother not putting a spell on you (I think) would have stopped you from biting a victim that somehow contracted AIDS! I'm not connecting the dots. Also, I'm not sure why the last word of your verse doesn't rhyme with the other couplets. Overall, this was a nice verse in terms of imagery. But as for the actual plot ... well the premise was nice, but not executed in a cohesive fashion. I think it spent too much time focusing on the backstory instead of the incredibly interesting tale about a vampire dying from a human disease. That would have been a lot more captivating and original. Still tho ... not too shabby. Battler 17
Once again, the intro is really dope! That seems to be a reoccurring theme in this battle.
Lol. Interesting. I'm feeling this story. Metaphorically it's relating politicians and corporate titans to bloodsuckers, while at the same time giving it a literal parallel. That's dope!
Only a few will get this line in all its historical accuracy and glory. Luckily for you I am one who does, as I often dabble in these sorts of "conspiracies". Also, this is one of my favorite lines of the entire tourney thus far.
The Shadow King and man that pulls the strings. Whenever I find out who you are I'm thinking we should collab on a similar topic. I loved the angle and the verse in general. Impressive. VOTE: B17, B4, B13 This was an entertaining battle all the way around. Props to all 3. Peace... |
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Kairo
Newbie Joined: 29 March 2017 Location: CAD/US Status: Offline Points: 19 |
Posted: 25 April 2017 at 12:18am | |||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 17 my vote hands down. Crazy schemes, vivid imagery, touching on socio-political ish, and stellar story telling. The parallelism between the theme and another real life monster reminds me of Battler I. It's relatable regardless of its context (this specific battle or just as a song on its own). Especially with the current economic situation, I found this piece especially poignant. Battler 13's verse was decent and I enjoyed how it touched bass on the mythos of Christianity as well. I found the rhyming pretty nice and the flow easy to catch. My biggest complaint is the fact that most things referencing being "ill/sick" is followed up with AIDS/HIV. Pick another disease, like Hep A (would've still fit the scheme). Overall, great job! Battler 4's verse was short and sweet. Easy to read, didn't feel like it dragged on and while I like a lot of the rhymes themselves, the schemes seemed a bit repetitive. I could predict that the verse was going to be littered with internal rhymes as opposed to focusing on a more complex scheme that forwent them every once in awhile. BUT if that's your thing, you did your thing and props to it (y). Great job everyone!
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Amgin
Groupie Joined: 31 January 2017 Status: Offline Points: 140 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
Posted: 25 April 2017 at 12:51am | |||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. 1st Battler 17 Clean crisp bars, it was a well done verse, story progression was great. You seemed to have mostly end rhymes but a few scattered inner rhymes and soft transitions really kept it enjoyable and almost unnnoticed. 2nd Battler 13 Great submission, some nice Multis were used, but I found at times it was choppy and some hard transitions. But overall a decent read. 3rd Battler 4 I thought from the beginning that this was going to be hype, but you had a lot of Stand alone lines and some lines felt a bit long and only strung together by end rhymes. Great imagination and take on the topic. |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Posted: 25 April 2017 at 2:33am | |||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. thank gawd these verses are short lol 13, cool story here! i was really engaged with the characters. The plot was a bit confusing. So initially it started in the present time as the main character (a vampire) is dying from Aids due to his choice of delicacy lol. so he recanted his story. the confusing part was that during the story u almost painted urself as a youth or at least a teen. then towards the end - (hid in a cart) part the imagery was of a baby. it may be due to my dyslexia lol but it kind of detracted from the overall flow of the story. But that aside, this was a very cool story. minor wording issues but none that prevented me from enjoying. kudos. 17, lol the funny thing is, if u didn't opened up with a specific date, i would've taken this for an allegory of Donald Trump. The strength of this verse was the flow of the plot. it was very easy to follow. Wording was pretty clean. The short line structure suited the pulp well as it gave a very fast pace read. However, similar to battler 4, the rhyme scheme was a bit on the basic side. For any future piece, i suggest maybe some multies or inner or transition rhyme just to spice things up. But yeah i really did like this story. Some of the ideas were dope - how u parallel business and politics with the darker context of a vampire lol. creative. ok, so truth is i did enjoy all the story. they all brought something cool to the table. One examined "monster" in an abstract fashion. Another recant a story of a clan of vampires. the last one assessed the world through the POV of a vampire. Enjoyment wise, it was pretty even. So i will have to go with technical prowess to judge this piece. with that said, i cast my vote for 13. It was the more confusing of the 3 stories but not to the point where it was wack or anything. Add to it the more advance rhyme scheme and mechanics, i feel comfortable rewarding them the win. good job all. helluva fight here. Editing in Order: 1.13
2. 4 3. 17 Edited by The Law - 25 April 2017 at 4:14pm |
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
Posted: 25 April 2017 at 6:38am | |||||||||||||
This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler #4, safe verse. Straight angle at the topic with a closer you spelled out the second you mentioned Cobain. Mechanics were strong, you went through the motions, you wasted few words and did all the right things however I feel more could have been done. A more ambitious concept would be my biggest hindsight improvement here, not a bad drop by any means regardless. Battler #13, hmm. Relied on storytelling here. Mechanics were decent at times but shaky as a whole. Often found myself distracted by misused words and spelling errors. In terms of the content.. I just felt like the story wasn’t as well thought out as it could be. You did a good job building the character but… Overall I wasn’t really a fan of this one. Lacked a lot of things in a lot of areas, polish being one of the most important. Battler #17, interesting verse, mixed feelings. Really enjoyed how well thought out the character building was. I feel you did a decent job going back and finding societal references to relate an immortal life towards. Thinking back, the wording on the surviving in daylight bar was nice. Thought you took it in a weird direction with the killing of all other vamps and the socio-political references but overall not a bad submission. Prognosis: 17 was my clear pick for top prize, tough call between the other two. It came down to how predictable the direction in battler #4’s verse was. Thusly,
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The Law
Site Moderator God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 26 April 2017 at 1:55pm | |||||||||||||
17 wins
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