Topic Closed Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round Two: Battler 4 vs Battler 13 vs 17 Wins

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Direct Link To This Post Topic: IC2 Round Two: Battler 4 vs Battler 13 vs 17 Wins
    Posted: 10 April 2017 at 7:08pm
Identity Crisis: Round 2

 I blame myself for this, however, I thought we had a back out after discussion via PM. I had one more spare reserve that I decided to fill in so we didn't get a no show. Fortunately and unfortunately, both parties, the fill in and the person that I thought couldn't show came through. Therefore, we had an extra verse and a triple thread was the best way to resolve it without shafting someone that had written a verse. Vote them in order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd please.

1st - 3 pts
2nd - 2 pts
3rd - 1 pts
First to 12 points.

- 20-60 Lines 
- Best of 7
- Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden
- Wednesday April 19th, Midnight UK time

TOPIC

 In the link below is your topic/round theme.



Edited by The Law - 20 April 2017 at 6:37pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:23pm
Battler 4

Mind breaker, serial life taker, call me the silent death
For years noone's peered through the disguise I've kept
Gods and Angels are not able to chart the lives I've wrecked
No charges bought, I laugh at thoughts of the eyes that wept
From my wicked ways, no twisted blades, I move like ether
It's suggested thought, then next a corpse, who's thy reaper?
The quiet sickness, minds afflicted, my methods are pure
Try an' talk it out? All for nowt, there's never a cure
Monster in the room locked inside of you, time to end it now
Steel on the wrist, fulfilling my wish, I won't let you down 
Confide in me, give your life to me, it's easy to do
I'll take the pain, make it fade, give back freedom to you
Ask Kurt Cobain, I worked for days, he couldn't break my hold
One shot, a son lost, I'm relentless when I take my souls
Bet it's true that I've affected you, tell me, who did I take?
Did I break you, make you hateful? These are the games I play
I'm the whispered name, the missing face from your life
They seemed so strong, now they're gone. I've taken my prize
No remorse, I own your thoughts, can I break you too?
Bet I will, my methods ill, what can I make you do...
Humans are foolish, they all let me do this. Now you wonder, who am I?
You know the name, I own the game. They call me Suicide.


Edited by The Law - 20 April 2017 at 6:37pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:23pm
Battler 13

Three hundred years I haven't aged, now I'm Sick with this plague
Nothing brings death slower to my kind than a victim with AIDS
Amidst the feeding frenzy of this century, the newest risk that we take
See
Once Virgins they were a plenty, but you know the kids of today!

So now as I'm drifting away, and this death comes to visit me
let me transport you visually, through the depth of my history
I was Gypsy of Romany, my possessions were few
I lived through my witt mainly, and life's lessons accrued 
We obsessively moved across mountain hills and valleys
In our quest to find food, it's about the skills that we carried.
I was an acrobat firstly! Thirsty, I would perform and delight
Outlaying villages were like sanctuary when a full moon was high
Father fooled them with lies, selling his fine art for protection
The wrong timber for their stakes, he carved them to perfection
Holy water that was fake we collected from the streams an
Lakes that we bathed in, that won't save them from demons!
It was all a deception, we laid claim to the heathen
The life essence of these peasants, was the main thing we needed
A young girl in her teen years, selected for bleeding
I'd always go third on the neck aggressively feeding
When we left there was grieving and stress we'd departed
Mother's spells stopped them seeing and kept them enchanted
But of course we had masters, those to obey
When the Count's daughter chose father they drove him away
They would have killed him for Lilith, if he thought he could stay
So from village to village we sought to escape
Fallen from grace, 
when they captured my parents and ripped out their hearts
Not knowing a son had been born them, I was hid in the cart
Mother's last dying spell obscured me from vision
Delivered me from hell and procured me my living

But now I wish that she didn't as my immune system shuts down
In the 21st century I am doomed by the humans corruption


Edited by The Law - 20 April 2017 at 6:38pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 April 2017 at 1:25pm
Battler 17

Vampire

See, I know this story may seem crazy
I was bitten at 45 in the winter of 1880
By the time dawn came I realized in the cold
That the sun doesn't kill vampires like I had been told
Never needed any sleep so instead in bed
Realizing I was immortal I read and read
Gained riches and power, so to feed my need
I had young people kidnapped and set to bleed and bleed
They were kept alive long enough to provide
But eventually my exploits got tougher to hide
I was getting stronger but it all began to sour
Realized I needed to have political power
Easier to do that with abounding riches
So I put my money in the market and with compounding interest
I was able to conquer corporate world
Until America's economy warped and curled
Fetishizing the power, I brought about a depression
But for someone who's immortal, it's just a minor regression
Underground labs kept the victims they got me
Prescott Bush and I made money dealing with Nazis
My money thirst and blood thirst have no division
So during the cold war I helped demonize socialism
Capitalism was what I needed to siphon up profits
I own companies behind a trust, but my name's off it
Today, my vampirism has corporate efficiency
It's been decades since any money or blood insufficiency
I eat blood sausages made from my subjects
And there isn't one poor person I haven't fucked yet.
Cause politics makes it easy to suck them dry
I'm not a public face, never had to duck and hide
Republicans make my life so easy, they have no scruples
Corporate vampires, it's almost like they're my pupils
I raised the stakes and eliminated all other vampires
Not with crosses or garlic, the myths are damn liars
I've sucked the life out of others for all that they're worth
So here I stand as the most powerful man on earth
Go my Minions!


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 April 2017 at 9:59pm

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Battler 4

Quote Mind breaker, serial life taker, call me the silent death
For years noone's peered through the disguise I've kept
Gods and Angels are not able to chart the lives I've wrecked
No charges bought, I laugh at thoughts of the eyes that wept


Damn! The wording and the flow are dope right out of the gate. The way you put your scheme together immediately grabbed my attention. I'm digging it this thus far, both the mechanics and the content.

Quote From my wicked ways, no twisted blades, I move like ether
It's suggested thought,


"...suggested thought" that's slick ass fuck! On some ninjutsu and stealth like shit -- as silent as a breeze or a phantom in the night. I loved how you described it.

Quote then next a corpse, who's thy reaper?
The quiet sickness, minds afflicted, my methods are pure
Try an' talk it out? All for nowt, there's never a cure
Monster in the room locked inside of you, time to end it now
Steel on the wrist, fulfilling my wish, I won't let you down


Your wording, scheme and flow are all in the pocket, but I feel like the story itself is starting to get a little long winded. Like there is a lot of build up but no reward. All suspense, but no action. Feel me?

Quote Confide in me, give your life to me, it's easy to do
I'll take the pain, make it fade, give back freedom to you
Ask Kurt Cobain, I worked for days, he couldn't break my hold
One shot, a son lost, I'm relentless when I take my souls
Bet it's true that I've affected you, tell me, who did I take?


Well, that Kurt Cobain line suggest only two possibilities and that is this piece is either about suicide or drugs.

OAN

Again, I love the wording and the flow. However, some of the switches weren't as seamless as the previous quoted sections. It got a little patchy in parts. Still tho, I am enjoying how you're putting your thoughts together. And the evil entity that is attempting to corrupt and seduce the character is creepy and haunting.

Quote Did I break you, make you hateful? These are the games I play
I'm the whispered name, the missing face from your life
They seemed so strong, now they're gone. I've taken my prize
No remorse, I own your thoughts, can I break you too?
Bet I will, my methods ill, what can I make you do...
Humans are foolish, they all let me do this. Now you wonder, who am I?
You know the name, I own the game. They call me suicide.


Dope ending! However I'm pretty sure that in the topic discussion thread Law made it a point not to take this abstract personification of human emotion type of route. But whatever, you're not the only one that treaded down this path.

As a whole this was a well written and executed verse my dude. You did your thing.

Battler 13

Quote Three hundred years I haven't aged, now I'm Sick with this plague
Nothing brings death slower to my kind than a victim with AIDS
Amidst the feeding frenzy of this century, the newest risk that we take


Another dope intro. I love the flow and the whole concept of what I'm assuming is a vampire contracting AIDS. In my opinion that is both humorous and original!

Quote See
Once Virgins they were a plenty, but you know the kids of today!

So now as I'm drifting away, and this death comes to visit me
let me transport you visually, through the depth of my history
I was Gypsy of Romany, my possessions were few
I lived through my witt mainly, and life's lessons accrued 
We obsessively moved across mountain hills and valleys
In our quest to find food, it's about the skills that we carried.
I was an acrobat firstly! Thirsty, I would perform and delight
Outlaying villages were like sanctuary when a full moon was high
Father fooled them with lies, selling his fine art for protection
The wrong timber for their stakes, he carved them to perfection


The story is really neat and imaginative. I can sort of see the grime and sullen setting of a Romania province during the Dark Ages in my mind and that is kind of cool. However, some of the flow and the wording is a little rough and rugged around the edges and that's a little distracting for me as a reader.

Quote Holy water that was fake we collected from the streams an
Lakes that we bathed in, that won't save them from demons!
It was all a deception, we laid claim to the heathen
The life essence of these peasants, was the main thing we needed


I noticed a typo, but fuck it! This section was a lot smoother and more appealing that the previous one was and I like the road it's taking me down.

Quote A young girl in her teen years, selected for bleeding
I'd always go third on the neck aggressively feeding
When we left there was grieving and stress we'd departed
Mother's spells stopped them seeing and kept them enchanted
But of course we had masters, those to obey
When the Count's daughter chose father they drove him away
They would have killed him for Lilith, if he thought he could stay
So from village to village we sought to escape
Fallen from grace, 
when they captured my parents and ripped out their hearts
Not knowing a son had been born them, I was hid in the cart
Mother's last dying spell obscured me from vision
Delivered me from hell and procured me my living


This is like a mix between 'True Blood' and 'Underworld'. I dig the narrative and the backstory, but I feel it has taken up quite a bit of your verse and derailed the course of the story from bring about a vamp with AIDS to what seems like an unrelated flashback.

Quote But now I wish that she didn't as my immune system shuts down
In the 21st century I am doomed by the humans corruption


Uhmmm, well you got back on track here. Although, I'm not understanding how Mother not putting a spell on you (I think) would have stopped you from biting a victim that somehow contracted AIDS! I'm not connecting the dots. Also, I'm not sure why the last word of your verse doesn't rhyme with the other couplets.

Overall, this was a nice verse in terms of imagery. But as for the actual plot ... well the premise was nice, but not executed in a cohesive fashion. I think it spent too much time focusing on the backstory instead of the incredibly interesting tale about a vampire dying from a human disease. That would have been a lot more captivating and original. Still tho ... not too shabby.

Battler 17

Quote Vampire

See, I know this story may seem crazy
I was bitten at 45 in the winter of 1880
By the time dawn came I realized in the cold
That the sun doesn't kill vampires like I had been told


Once again, the intro is really dope! That seems to be a reoccurring theme in this battle.

Quote Never needed any sleep so instead in bed
Realizing I was immortal I read and read
Gained riches and power, so to feed my need
I had young people kidnapped and set to bleed and bleed
They were kept alive long enough to provide
But eventually my exploits got tougher to hide
I was getting stronger but it all began to sour
Realized I needed to have political power
Easier to do that with abounding riches
So I put my money in the market and with compounding interest
I was able to conquer corporate world
Until America's economy warped and curled
Fetishizing the power, I brought about a depression
But for someone who's immortal, it's just a minor regression


Lol. Interesting. I'm feeling this story. Metaphorically it's relating politicians and corporate titans to bloodsuckers, while at the same time giving it a literal parallel. That's dope!

Quote Underground labs kept the victims they got me
Prescott Bush and I made money dealing with Nazis


Only a few will get this line in all its historical accuracy and glory. Luckily for you I am one who does, as I often dabble in these sorts of "conspiracies". Also, this is one of my favorite lines of the entire tourney thus far.

Quote My money thirst and blood thirst have no division
So during the cold war I helped demonize socialism
Capitalism was what I needed to siphon up profits
I own companies behind a trust, but my name's off it
Today, my vampirism has corporate efficiency
It's been decades since any money or blood insufficiency
I eat blood sausages made from my subjects
And there isn't one poor person I haven't fucked yet.
Cause politics makes it easy to suck them dry
I'm not a public face, never had to duck and hide
Republicans make my life so easy, they have no scruples
Corporate vampires, it's almost like they're my pupils[/quote

Just sitting back grinning and nodding my head. This is excellent.

[quote]I raised the stakes and eliminated all other vampires
Not with crosses or garlic, the myths are damn liars
I've sucked the life out of others for all that they're worth
So here I stand as the most powerful man on earth


The Shadow King and man that pulls the strings. Whenever I find out who you are I'm thinking we should collab on a similar topic.

I loved the angle and the verse in general. Impressive.

VOTE: B17, B4, B13

This was an entertaining battle all the way around. Props to all 3.

Peace...


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 April 2017 at 12:18am

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Battler 17 my vote hands down. Crazy schemes, vivid imagery, touching on socio-political ish, and stellar story telling. The parallelism between the theme and another real life monster reminds me of Battler I. It's relatable regardless of its context (this specific battle or just as a song on its own). Especially with the current economic situation, I found this piece especially poignant. 

Battler 13's verse was decent and I enjoyed how it touched bass on the mythos of Christianity as well. I found the rhyming pretty nice and the flow easy to catch. My biggest complaint is the fact that most things referencing being "ill/sick" is followed up with AIDS/HIV. Pick another disease, like Hep A (would've still fit the scheme). Overall, great job!

Battler 4's verse was short and sweet. Easy to read, didn't feel like it dragged on and while I like a lot of the rhymes themselves, the schemes seemed a bit repetitive. I could predict that the verse was going to be littered with internal rhymes as opposed to focusing on a more complex scheme that forwent them every once in awhile. BUT if that's your thing, you did your thing and props to it (y). Great job everyone!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 April 2017 at 12:51am

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1st Battler 17

Clean crisp bars, it was a well done verse, story progression was great. You seemed to have mostly end rhymes but a few scattered inner rhymes and soft transitions really kept it enjoyable and almost unnnoticed.

2nd Battler 13

Great submission, some nice Multis were used, but I found at times it was choppy and some hard transitions. But overall a decent read.

3rd Battler 4

I thought from the beginning that this was going to be hype, but you had a lot of Stand alone lines and some lines felt a bit long and only strung together by end rhymes.
Great imagination and take on the topic.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 April 2017 at 2:33am

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thank gawd these verses are short lol

4, ok, i can certainly appreciate the creativity here. The monster here was of abstract nature. the mechanics was cool. the flow was a bit rigid, for lack of better words. its very formulaic....which could be a good thing or bad thing. the good thing is, it keeps the scheme clean, everything hit right on beat. the bad thing about that is the monotone nature of it. maybe throw a transitional rhyme in between some lines just to spice things up, u know? otherwise, nice concise and creative story. well done.

13, cool story here! i was really engaged with the characters. The plot was a bit confusing. So initially it started in the present time as the main character (a vampire) is dying from Aids due to his choice of delicacy lol. so he recanted his story. the confusing part was that during the story u almost painted urself as a youth or at least a teen. then towards the end - (hid in a cart) part the imagery was of a baby. it may be due to my dyslexia lol but it kind of detracted from the overall flow of the story. But that aside, this was a very cool story. minor wording issues but none that prevented me from enjoying. kudos.

17, lol the funny thing is, if u didn't opened up with a specific date, i would've taken this for an allegory of Donald Trump. The strength of this verse was the flow of the plot. it was very easy to follow. Wording was pretty clean. The short line structure suited the pulp well as it gave a very fast pace read. However, similar to battler 4, the rhyme scheme was a bit on the basic side. For any future piece, i suggest maybe some multies or inner or transition rhyme just to spice things up. But yeah i really did like this story. Some of the ideas were dope - how u parallel business and politics with the darker context of a vampire lol. creative.

ok, so truth is i did enjoy all the story. they all brought something cool to the table. One examined "monster" in an abstract fashion. Another recant a story of a clan of vampires. the last one assessed the world through the POV of a vampire. Enjoyment wise, it was pretty even. So i will have to go with technical prowess to judge this piece. with that said, i cast my vote for 13. It was the more confusing of the 3 stories but not to the point where it was wack or anything. Add to it the more advance rhyme scheme and mechanics, i feel comfortable rewarding them the win. good job all. helluva fight here.

Editing in Order: 

1.13
2. 4
3. 17


Edited by The Law - 25 April 2017 at 4:14pm


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 April 2017 at 6:38am

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Battler #4, safe verse. Straight angle at the topic with a closer you spelled out the second you mentioned Cobain. Mechanics were strong, you went through the motions, you wasted few words and did all the right things however I feel more could have been done. A more ambitious concept would be my biggest hindsight improvement here, not a bad drop by any means regardless.


Battler #13, hmm. Relied on storytelling here. Mechanics were decent at times but shaky as a whole. Often found myself distracted by misused words and spelling errors. In terms of the content.. I just felt like the story wasn’t as well thought out as it could be. You did a good job building the character but… Overall I wasn’t really a fan of this one. Lacked a lot of things in a lot of areas, polish being one of the most important.


Battler #17, interesting verse, mixed feelings. Really enjoyed how well thought out the character building was. I feel you did a decent job going back and finding societal references to relate an immortal life towards. Thinking back, the wording on the surviving in daylight bar was nice. Thought you took it in a weird direction with the killing of all other vamps and the socio-political references but overall not a bad submission.


Prognosis: 17 was my clear pick for top prize, tough call between the other two. It came down to how predictable the direction in battler #4’s verse was. Thusly,


  1. Battler #17

  2. Battler #13

  3. Battler #4

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 April 2017 at 1:55pm
17 wins
Go my Minions!


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