Open Mic: Walking With Society.. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 29 May 2017 at 10:53pm |
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EVERYDAY LIFE..
If life is a journey what price is paid for the fare?, Transcending yrs so no use of roads seas or air, Ppl living off wealthfare where gvrmnts don't care, Trapped in a lair i see the etched faces of despair, Where domestic violence & debt is seen as a pair, When seeing flair they just stare unable to compare, & visiting a carnival is the only time they see fair, THE DEALER.. Read i'm always on the jock plus i don't do mocks, Pushing drugs ppl flock fiending like being shocked, See the glock is always cocked ready to take a shot, I really don't want to kill the clientele on my block, Plus those days are gone with a pool ball in a sock, Frightened ppl hide behind doors via a key and a lock, Watchin the clock outside the fiends score needles dock, MOTHER.. Again her eye is black after dad finished with the attack, Sitting on the stairs when i saw the smack & heard wack, She's sprawled out like a quarterback that's been sacked, Layin on her back see dad has a problem it's called crack, Or should i say the lack as his fists fly into this raging act, This is fact him & drugs have formed an unbreakable pact, We should grab our macs haul ass like we're in field & track, POLICE.. The Blue Coats who can't climb fences because of glucose, Are more wired than most eat doughnuts & cinnamon toast, You call on em ghost,always at the store like it's their post, I laugh at the slogan Serve And Protect when their no host, Coast 2 coast alround the globe these bitches took that oath, Plus there's no friendly Cop leaning under any lit lamppost, Shinnin shoes & badge they boast but ready to frame & roast, |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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EVERYDAY LIFE..
If life is a journey what price is paid for the fare?, Transcending yrs so no use of roads seas or air, Ppl living off wealthfare where gvrmnts don't care, Trapped in a lair i see the etched faces of despair, Where domestic violence & debt is seen as a pair, When seeing flair they just stare unable to compare, & visiting a carnival is the only time they see fair, Crimson!!! this was an excellent stanza. the first bar had me nervous you were gonna do some Rapper T shit and I was like..omg..not this teachers pay the fare to be millionaires shit again..but I REALLY like what you did in this section. that pair line is hardbody. I also liked the carnival line, real slick flip there. man, dope stuff bro. THE DEALER.. Read i'm always on the jock plus i don't do mocks, Pushing drugs ppl flock fiending like being shocked, See the glock is always cocked ready to take a shot, I really don't want to kill the clientele on my block, Plus those days are gone with a pool ball in a sock, Frightened ppl hide behind doors via a key and a lock, Watchin the clock outside the fiends score needles dock, the key line coulda done without the "a" before key. gives it a more natural tone. I love how youre playing with your wordplacements alot more. its REALLY DOPE to see that. I liked the shocked line, real descriptive, yet such a short line. I see all these improvements and im beyond elated man. MOTHER.. Again her eye is black after dad finished with the attack, Sitting on the stairs when i saw the smack & heard wack, She's sprawled out like a quarterback that's been sacked, Layin on her back see dad has a problem it's called crack, Or should i say the lack as his fists fly into this raging act, This is fact him & drugs have formed an unbreakable pact, We should grab our macs haul ass like we're in field & track, this one is alright. it lacked the depth in the narrative a bit, but the wordplacements are again…such an improvement. your writing has come sooooooooo far bro. given the word usage here...after "dad has a problem".. "fails to relax".. "help in rehab".. "mom bails every chance" you get a bit more substance in the narrative department. remember.. you have every angle available to you when storytelling. so many points of view. this round in IC is going to showcase some really great narrative writing I feel. but youll see a bit how to play with an angle more once those drop (I hope atleast lol) POLICE.. The Blue Coats who can't climb fences because of glucose, Are more wired than most eat doughnuts & cinnamon toast, You call on em ghost,always at the store like it's their post, I laugh at the slogan Serve And Protect when their no host, Coast 2 coast alround the globe these bitches took that oath, Plus there's no friendly Cop leaning under any lit lamppost, Shinnin shoes & badge they boast but ready to frame & roast, this stanza here.. is.. jesus man. I realllllly realllly reallllly loved your opening line.. the flow, the word usage, the narrative, the punchline... all fucking immense and incredible. the hard truth reality is very present in seven short bars. this was a badass stanza Crim.. im so happy you shared this. it shows your improvements and brings that social awareness to the forefront that can sometimes be forgotten. "stay woke" or whatever the cool kids call it. I love a good reminder like this. this whole piece just put me in such a good mood. keep being awesome Crim. never change lol. youre the motherfucking man. |
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#Bananas
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Neek i really appreciate your time took here to read and feed,and it's always a joy to
read your posts,as the humour element in your summing up is 2nd to none,plus your pointers hold weight,thanks dude your the man..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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Whoa, it's nice to see peeps steady elevating their game. I think this is your best piece as of yet Crimson. What strikes me first is that the rhythm bar for bar is much more solid than before. Number two is the way more refined wording, you say more with less words. So props for actually putting the work to actually improve the mechanics, it's actually quite rare. As for the story, the fragmentes pieces and angle suited your new style pretty good. A cool OM doesnt need to be more complex or fancy than this. Short glimpses of reflections over a particular point, the best segment was probably the Dealer, as felt more clear and concise than the rest. Overall it was a convincing effort. As for tips on improving further, you could try adding in more multi rhymes without sacrificng anything content related, make each bar a puzzle to solve.
Anyways stay at it.
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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CRIM DAWG IMPROVING ON SOME REAL SHIT. Nice shit here This really hit a nice stride. I liked the real life type shit you had going here. Really nice ending. Good shit so far brudda I see you are dabbling in some more internal rhymes and i like the simplicity. Flow is there and the dealer verse is where im at with this drop. Its nice to see you fucking with some multis and internals. Good! Mother verse now, ok, ill be picky. Second bar could have been "heard the Wack" and it would polished the flow but still dope shit so far. The domestic violence shit is dope. This is themed well and i have a great image on this verse. Some 1992 type Bronx ghetto. Police verse now... Opener gave me a half smile lol. Second bar was the punch lol. liking this verse so far. Feeling the ghost line cuz in Chicago, unless you say shots fired... the pigs are nowhere to be found. Overalll Crim, this was one of you best drops to date. Im feeling this. Only little struggle i have is that im dying for you to get comfortable with multi's and testing the waters with unorthadox schemes. I think when you get a hold of using multis more fluently, you will be a force to reckon with homeslice. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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@Concrete thank you for your time here,i take all feedback on board good or bad,
believe it or not,I've been experimenting with multi's syllables of late,as you pointed out here,(and Alice in the past in fact even Dizzle) have mentioned the same theme, again thanks man appreciate this..peace. @Dizzle,again thanks for your time here,but also thanks for the advice prior our collab (wink,about taking time and cutting out excess),sound advice there,as i've incorporated it,and again my man big thanks..peace |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
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Crim my dude..lets see what we got here...
First off I want to say the elevation is present. I love to see a new dude come in and listen and actual use the tips the vets give him to better his writing game. Thats what this is all about. But there is only a few who actually take notes and use it to elevate their game. As far as the content goes it was pretty fucking strong. I mean I love how you set up and seperated the stanza. I felt it made them more personal. One thing I'd love to see you do is improve on your flow. Add some multi syllable shit in there but thats just my own personal preference. " The Blue Coats who can't climb fences because of glucose"--this line stood out to me the most out of your whole shit. Overall this was a nice drop Crim. I'm love seeing you improve like this...nice drop
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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crim i've always admire ur humble approach at elevation. you seem to take in what is being presented. kudos. I really like the structure of this verse. i thought breaking it up into different stanzas ironically made the commentary more coherent lol. a commentary piece can only work if you can transfer the exact emotional agenda to reader, regardless of whether they agree with it or not, and i think u did pretty well here. there were certainly moments where u felt u drew from personal experience or narrative.
there were, however, room to improve though. The rhyming was pretty basic so you should definitely take that into account on ur next effort. doesn't have to be a multisyllable rhyming but try upping the vocab a bit. it can add spice. Wording also took a dive at times. here are a couple examples: Pushing drugs ppl flock fiending like being shocked, I laugh at the slogan Serve And Protect when their no host, some flaws aside, this def showed elevation. keep it up, crim!
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Cuba
Senior Moderator Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12327 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
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Crimbo, I feel like you've got something real special inside you...you just gotta put that work in to elevate to a place where you have the technical skill that matches where your head is at. I know you're a hugely selfless guy, but you definitely need to address that balance between dropping and feeding. Slightly more dropping and slightly less feeding, which is like the opposite of what everyone else needs to do, lol.
On this one, I really liked the social undertone of what you were writing, yeah the technical bits are there to work on but I really liked where you were coming from. It kind of reminded me of the essence of Community Outcast in the way it had that social conscience to it. I really liked the idea of tackling the topic from several angles. You even had some cool plays in there as well, I particularly liked the fair one...it wasn't sophisticated but it just had a resonance to it which worked for me. I liked that you had internal rhymes in there too, quite old school feel to the rhyming but equally a little simple. You have to be careful not to go overboard and let that dictate your drop, but I think you could do with working on your rhythm and finding your 'voice'. Unfortunately that just takes time. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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lol..selfless,would you believe i sent Exo/Sammy a pm thanking for their feedback
as I believed new verse should take president,true,but the thing is I really enjoy reading poetry,I stumbled across this site by chance,i've read and understand poetry in most forms,but the pool here is amazing,their are writers here who could easily be poet laureate's,yes my understanding far exceeds my writtens,but happens to be my motivation,you may think my involvement with LA is one sided,and yes it is to be honest,but boy do I love poetry,it's my outlet..thanks for the time Cube's..peace bro.. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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upload
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SELF ACTIVATE
Standard Member Joined: 05 February 2016 Location: Kemet Status: Offline Points: 1380 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-0 Form: WL |
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Nice! Clean, clear, uncluttered lines free of jargon and filler. Combined with a smooth and easy to follow scheme. I'm digging the flow and the social commentary. Nice ish Crim. Sincerely.
I'm not sure what "needles dock" actually means. Maybe I'm missing something? In any case, this was dope. The detail could have been enhance by more specific nouns, but overall I thoroughly enjoyed the hell out of this stanza. I think the highlight here was your well constructed scheme, however, the content was also admirable. It has a real sense of authenticity to it and seems to be coming from a place beyond the superficial rhyming to just rhyme perspective. OAN I've have noticed that over the last few months you've been a solid commentator and an objective critic of the human societal experience. Your perspective on such matters has been become very interesting to read and evaluate. Props.
There is a beauty to your simplicity and apparently no limit to your insight and depth. The stanza quoted above was an honest and engaging narrative of someone's, somewhere, everyday existence. I dug the fuck out it.
Dope! Crim, you are gradually transforming into the teacher that began his education as the student, soon you will be the master. The foundation has been laid and you have built a solid structure upon it. It has been a pleasure watching your progression over the last year and a half. I'd give this piece a 3.8 out of five. Keep scribing bro. You're in the zone. Peace... |
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