Open Mic: Feelings Of Hopelessness |
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Mikey425
Newbie Joined: 07 January 2016 Location: Evt-City Status: Offline Points: 227 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-3-1 Form: LLLNW |
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Posted: 06 June 2017 at 8:47am |
Another day goes by as I'm still feeling all this pain.
I'm sick and tired of this bullshit man it's driving me insane. As I'm sitting here with no love and absolutely no hope. I keep that pipe full of dope or else I just can't seem too cope. Hang myself with this rope, so that one day I can be free. Be like Lord if you're there make these mother fuckers leave me be. Before they see me unleash this fluid animosity, that's been flowing through me nonstop constantly. And in all honesty. I just don't what the fuck to do. I still don't where the hell too go. I just don't know, Can't take it no more. It's been eating it's way right through my core.. And for those of you who don't know, this here is my form of a confession, too all the pain, hate, anger and heartache brought upon myself when I was transgressing from your everyday ignorant youth. To an extremely pissed off and enlightened adolescent. Man I'm telling you that it wasn't pleasant being stuck outside in the cold looking though the tear stained eyes of a starving peasant. Watching as the over privileged acted like royalty whilst they opened up their Christmas presents |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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OK good to read a drop from you again,it's been awhile,the story line was compelling
really,a simmering pot of emotions via life is what i get here,the topic itself is not an orignal concept,but still this had merit,while i feel your flow was simple but decent,this was due to just rhyming the last word on each line,and although you had some multi's (via Word only) they didn't standout and help the flow be prominent,i feel a few multi syllables or inner rhymes would of lifted this piece up,even heightened it,and some imagery would of helped also,but all in all still a nice little read here..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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oh shit, Mike!! welcome back, man
this aint bad. actually i think this is the best i've read from you lol. there are some kinks to be irroned out but overall great job. Before they see me unleash this fluid animosity, that's been flowing through me nonstop constantly. And in all honesty. the scheme there was nice man. mosity/constantly/honesty was crisp. good to see you back
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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So I liked the piece... I'm going to take a little bit of my time and brush it up for you so can see it a little differently. Let me know your thoughts. Wording is a major factor man. Another day goes by as I'm still feeling all this pain. I'm sick and tired of bullshit it's driving me insane. Sitting here with no love and absolutely no hope. I keep that pipe full of dope or else I can't seem to cope. Hang myself with this rope, so that one day I can be free. Be like Lord, if you're there, make these motherfuckers leave Before they see me unleash this fluid animosity That's been flowing through me constantly, in all honesty I don't what the fuck to do, still don't where to go. Can't ever find my path, every strolls a broken road I just don't know I can't take it no more. It's been eating it's way right through my core.. For those of you who don't know, this is my confession, To the pain, hate, and heartache with ignorant aggression To an extremely pissed off and enlightened adolescent. You're looking though the cold tear stained eyes of a peasant. Watching as the over royalty whilst they open Christmas presents |
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Nigma
Site Moderator Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision |
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Another day goes by as I'm still feeling all this pain.
I'm sick and tired of this bullshit man it's driving me insane. As I'm sitting here with no love and absolutely no hope. I keep that pipe full of dope or else I just can't seem too cope. Hang myself with this rope, so that one day I can be free. Be like Lord if you're there make these mother fuckers leave me be. Before they see me unleash this fluid animosity, that's been flowing through me nonstop constantly. And in all honesty. This whole section was worded very nicely. What it lacked in mechanical complexity it made up for in crisp, natural wording. I just don't what the fuck to do. I still don't where the hell too go. Did you forget the word 'know' in both ^ these lines? I just don't know, Can't take it no more. It's been eating it's way right through my core.. And for those of you who don't know, this here is my form of a confession, too all the pain, hate, anger and heartache brought upon myself when I was transgressing from your everyday ignorant youth. You gotta refine these thoughts a little more. You would have been better splitting this into 4 lines content wise and finding nice solid end lines. Flow fell off. To an extremely pissed off and enlightened adolescent. Man I'm telling you that it wasn't pleasant being stuck outside in the cold looking though the tear stained eyes of a starving peasant. Watching as the over privileged acted like royalty whilst they opened up their Christmas presents Ending could have used a little more fireworks. Overall you laid out your content in a natural manner but the flow was in desperate need of syllabic balancing. Keep that in mind for the future, never be afraid to turn one line into two. You're much better off making a point keeping lines around the same length while learning. Enjoyable read
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