Open Mic: Carnival Time.

ps..i know this comes off as basic in rhyme,but that's the point as it's more directed to
the innocents of fun,it's just a light hearted piece on the whole, a quick key..peace.

Children eat Candyfloss carrying their prizes of goldfish, 
Whilst young men shoot tin ducks in sharp shooter poses,
Wails of fun & laughter of the lovers on the rickety stairs,
Rumberling & growling of diesels smell & sounds of the fair,

I think replacing & into "with" helps the cadence and flow a smidge more.


Action where memories are made on spining contraptions, 
The bright lights are the attraction & smiles is the reaction, 

replacing this & with "while smiles are the reaction" keeps it a bit more "natural" wording wise.

Where the excitement is gained via cogs wheels & traction,
Sublime from far in the night it shines like a jewel or treasure
Where all shreeks of pleasure is to be absorbed at our leisure,
Roller coasters that ferrys adults teens young girls and boys,
Fathers & toddlers at side stalls with results to win cuddly toys, 
The joy on ppl's faces when they savour the flavours and noise,
& when up at height take in the sights of the surroundin trailers,
Like crows nest to sailors witness the carneys and their labours,
If out for thrills spills and flare,come one & all down to the fair,    


this was a smooth ending. was a fun piece. definitely brought the vibe for the fair. a nice original topic too as well. and considering its fair season, a great nudge to some folks to get out and enjoy a day of throwing baseballs at bowling pins.

I'm tired, Crim

So let me give you a basic breakdown for now.

I thought this was pretty good. I could see, smell, and imagine almost everything you wrote. I think you did a very good job with painting a picture and creating a relatable atmosphere. I felt like I was there. It was vivid and nostalgic. I'll be back later to give you a more thorough review.

Lol. Dudes are writing topicals on carnivals now?
That's very J504 of you. But that's dope.

I haven't been paying attention to the text game lately ( )
But this was real refreshing. Definitely a fun piece.
Props to you sir.

Not sure what I can add to what's been said already, but this was really nice, Crim. I really liked the concept and the way you executed it in a rather simple and effective way. Quite original, to say the least. The highlight here was your incredibly detailed and vivid description of the scenery, I think you covered every part that can be covered with this kind of concept, which is great. I do think that there were a few times where you could've improved the smoothness of this verse, for example in the 'jewel or treasure' line (maybe you could've omitted the 'from far', but that's just a minor suggestion attempt). But overall, good work.