Open Mic: If Only She Knew
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Ness View Drop Down
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    Posted: 25 September 2017 at 6:21am

"I’m a broken man behind this mask I maintain with,
I don’t understand this feeling, or how to contain it. This is all so new to me, this dame is
leaving me brainless, replacing the space with this mental anguish because she’s not mine.
Well, she’s mine… But she’s not mine in the sense of the slang-age. She’s mine as in my best friend I used to spend
every day with. Nothing matters with her, my days become painless in a way that words just can’t explain it
And when she smiles, a warmth takes over. It's like I’ve been sipping on the serpent's breath. Does she feel the same way?
That question alone keeps me stricken with uncertainness; speechless, just sitting here for her to guess.
 I’ve tried to proclaim how I feel, but when I go to speak it’s like my mouth is switching up the words thats next. 
Instead of ‘I love you’ it’s ‘I missed you’. But not in the endearing way, thats the real issue.
Cause I swear I could treat her better. With men she’s been misused, degraded, abused,
can't stand to see this continue when I’ve been there the whole time just helping her get through.
But I never get my chance, she always gives her heart so someone who hurts it.
I’m not saying these guys are worthless but I'm saying compared to me they're worth less.
So I find myself asking, ‘I she really worth it? Rode the ups and the downs, how did he earn it?
Won’t happen now, should I desert it?’ But I can’t. She’s the goddess of whom I belong to the church,
I’m always at her service. Without her my days would be riddled with loneliness
Depressed thoughts clouding my mind only missed, by the rare thought
of her in the arms of a disrespectful chauvinist. “Thats it, I’ve lost her… The end”
But I don’t want to lose her! So must pretend I’m okay with meaning nothing to her, just a friend
Well, I’m NOT okay with that! And why should I be? I was here first, why should I leave!
I put her on a pedestal so high she could crumble my world if she were to deny me.
It’s fear that guides me. So until I’m certain, I’ll have to mask these emotions inside me and just wish

'If only she knew…'”
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Sammy View Drop Down
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Form: LNW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 September 2017 at 6:30am
i'm getting sick of seeing your face everywhere, Ness. 

welcome to LA, broham :)


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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Form: LLWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 September 2017 at 10:30am
I was feeling the inner torment here,love from afar is never a good combination
whether it's in miles or denial up close,this piece was littered with emotions in
various forms,anguish/hope/desire,just to highlight a few,which were displayed
well within this verse too,I feel you did real well projecting the imagery also,as i
could feel and picture the scene your setting,(i guess that saying does hold water
for some ppl,we can't always see the obvious that's in front of our faces until it's
to late),this piece also had a nice poetic slant running along side i thought,it was
expressive and provoking for me,there's nothing i can really find fault with here,i
could say more inners this or some multi's here that,but in truth they would lessen
the impact overall,there's alot to be said about simplicity,especially when coupled
with solid mechanic,as here,yeah an enjoyable read that hit the spot for me,look
forward to browsing more from you,thanks and a nice piece amigo..peace.    
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Ness View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ness Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 September 2017 at 6:48pm
Ayee thanks man, appreciate the feed!
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iLL ScriptureZ View Drop Down
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Form: LWWLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 September 2017 at 8:33pm
Saw this on the other site but didn't leave feedback so I guess I'll drop some here for you. I swear on the other site there's 20 new drops everyday and I can't keep up. Anyway, I digress..

So the first 3 lines ending in "shes not mine"..is... spoken word-like. I really hate the formatting because I think no matter what its gotta flow. I did however get a flow, just one that to me was wordy and choppy. Then going into the next line immediately, I got the feeling you were talking to me face to face about the situation. Which is a good thing. I enjoyed that and it really came off, reinforcing my thought of a spoken-word/deff jam like poem. Yeah, this is pretty cool. I'll be honest it's not 100% my cup of tea but I fuck with it. I liked the depth you put into the content as far as how she makes you feel etc. I can respect that. I just notice a trend over on the other site.. yall are some wordy motherfuckers. Packing lines, and for me, you lose me. Content wise, I'm in, I like the depth and emotion I just wish it was cleaner. 

Oh and that blue fucking sucks. My eyes hurt lol 
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Ness View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ness Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 September 2017 at 8:47pm
Thanks for the feed man, I appreciate ones like this as much as the "it was great" ones because it really lets me know where to improve.

Originally posted by iLL ScriptureZ iLL ScriptureZ wrote:

Saw this on the other site but didn't leave feedback so I guess I'll drop some here for you. I swear on the other site there's 20 new drops everyday and I can't keep up. Anyway, I digress..

Oh and that blue fucking sucks. My eyes hurt lol 

Which site? i've posted it a few places to try and get a mix of feed back from all different styles of writers. I main RR though so I'll just assume you mean there as it's the most active rn.

Yeah the blue looks iffy on this site, i had added it to add depth to the piece but the [][/] codes didn't work here when I brought it over so I had to improvise haha.
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Form: LWWLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 September 2017 at 8:53pm
Yeah RR. I hear you man. I liked the piece but I like a combo of all the elements of the foundation to be together and tight as well as content...
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spume corrupt View Drop Down
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Form: WLWLLL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 September 2017 at 9:23pm
Welcome to LA Ness
We could def use a bunch of people with various styles and tastes and you are without a doubt an experienced writer
This place is having a few problems holding on to a user base ATM but we def have a solid history and enough potential to bring back the better days

About the work
Straight up I'm not a fan of this kind of piece generally but I always appreciate good writing
So the structure is not within the realms of usual style we use here, so a good heads up would be to check out what Work better for the readers of LA via reading open mic drops that are rated here
Not suggesting you change yo steeze perma just saying if you wanna reach the readers here you prolly need to adapt
About the flow anyway I did tune in to it and enjoyed it and thought the rhyming was cool and also thought you was solid with the concept

Ditch the coloured text and bring something else in a different vain if you have the scope
Either way I can see you have skills and appreciate you coming through here

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CHAIN View Drop Down
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Form: LWWLWW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CHAIN Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 September 2017 at 10:03am
You should repost this. My eyes are not fucking with the blue font...at all lol
+Sick-Witted+
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Ness View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ness Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 September 2017 at 6:29am
Originally posted by Ness Ness wrote:


"I’m a broken man behind this mask I maintain with,
I don’t understand this feeling, or how to contain it. This is all so new to me, this dame is
leaving me brainless, replacing the space with this mental anguish because she’s not mine.
Well, she’s mine… But she’s not mine in the sense of the slang-age. She’s mine as in my best friend I used to spend
every day with. Nothing matters with her, my days become painless in a way that words just can’t explain it
And when she smiles, a warmth takes over. It's like I’ve been sipping on the serpent's breath. Does she feel the same way?
That question alone keeps me stricken with uncertainness; speechless, just sitting here for her to guess.
 I’ve tried to proclaim how I feel, but when I go to speak it’s like my mouth is switching up the words thats next. 
Instead of ‘I love you’ it’s ‘I missed you’. But not in the endearing way, thats the real issue.
Cause I swear I could treat her better. With men she’s been misused, degraded, abused,
can't stand to see this continue when I’ve been there the whole time just helping her get through.
But I never get my chance, she always gives her heart so someone who hurts it.
I’m not saying these guys are worthless but I'm saying compared to me they're worth less.
So I find myself asking, ‘I she really worth it? Rode the ups and the downs, how did he earn it?
Won’t happen now, should I desert it?’ But I can’t. She’s the goddess of whom I belong to the church,
I’m always at her service. Without her my days would be riddled with loneliness
Depressed thoughts clouding my mind only missed, by the rare thought
of her in the arms of a disrespectful chauvinist. “Thats it, I’ve lost her… The end”
But I don’t want to lose her! So must pretend I’m okay with meaning nothing to her, just a friend
Well, I’m NOT okay with that! And why should I be? I was here first, why should I leave!
I put her on a pedestal so high she could crumble my world if she were to deny me.
It’s fear that guides me. So until I’m certain, I’ll have to mask these emotions inside me and just wish

'If only she knew…'”

@CHAIN ^^
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Macdad Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 October 2017 at 2:21am
If she only knew..... Not a hard thing to say, but tough to swallow.
Before I ever came into her life she was awesome.
So pure and beautiful, then I came to cut her down just to make some furniture.
I murdered her, not physically cause I would follow,
But I took everything away from her and made her my mrs Roboto.
Yeah I'm married to this woman. It's seems impossible to face mistakes when you keep telling yourself you you didn't do it.
I did do it. Time to stop the lies. The only thing she ever did was try to keep me alive .
I took her for granted, like a brand new paint job and then I sand it.
I took something ,that was once beautiful ,and now she gets sick of the way she looks thanks to who?
That's right thanks to me, you're so very welcome for the shit I made you eat.
I hope you never forgive me, as long as I'm living,
That's the least that I deserve for ripping out your heart because I deserted mine.
Bozzzwell
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Ness View Drop Down
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Ness Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 October 2017 at 8:57pm
didn't realize this was a cypher sub-forum lmfao my b if i posted in the wrong spot
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