Open Mic: A Stolen Moment In Time. |
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Posted: 16 October 2017 at 2:03pm |
The Robbery..(21/02/77) Night time I'm out on the prowl, hunting down victims like a bat or an owl, Combing the streets like a plough, Whilst droplets & beads form on my brow, Bam!,it came to me like a delivery, How to make paper on tonight's activity, Checked the belt for the artillery, Grab wallets & cash from a diner via thievery, The Getaway. Done the deed made an escape, Kept to the dark i know this city's landscape, Excited about my nights take, Bag over my shoulder I feel weight as it drapes, Sirens are now just a dull din, You'd think a grenade had blown via a pulled pin, Or a dead cop found in a bin, Because their looking for a man with black skin, The Encounter. Shit I should make this a hobby, Just as I bumped into an old man in my lobby, Fear as he stares at the shoddy, Starts talking shit about this nights robbery, Put the gun up against his head, Told him another word on this and he'll be dead, But he ignored what I just said, Carryin on with the details that made me see red, The Shot. Still he's continued to preach, Let off a shot leaving the man's body to bleach, But something in his speech, Caused my skin to crawl as he tried to teach, like he viewed the whole scene, The detail he supplied that only I could of seen, It's all surreal like a bad dream, Try castin aside the torment spendin the green, The Realisation..(the present) Now fast forward forty years, & still my eyes keep on releasing the odd tears, Lately I'm experiencing a fear, As the anniversary of the robbery date is here, The night is ablaze with heat, Unable to sleep i decide to walk into the street, On reaching the ground floor, Approaching young man sweat oozing from pores, The Realisation pt2. Then the me meeting the turf, On my ass knowin my cycle from birth to Hearst, I offer away to close the loop, Puzzled looking at me like I was a fly in he's soup, He pressed a gun to our skull, He said,another fucking word and I'll act the fool, Talking I try to keep him cool, Then BANG! face down I'm in my own blood pool, The Robbery..(21/02/77) Night time I'm out on the prowl, hunting down victims like a bat or an owl, Combing the streets like a plough, Whilst droplets & beads form on my brow, Bam!,it came to me like a delivery, How to make paper on tonight's activity, Checked the belt for the artillery, Grab wallets & cash from a diner via thievery, ect ect ect. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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DressToKill
Superior Member Joined: 27 June 2006 Location: Canada,New Brunswick Status: Offline Points: 6872 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 78-62-0 Form: LLWWWL |
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What's good Crim,
I see you trying out multies now which is elevation for sure. I like your topic approach but I feel each stanza should of been longer as it felt like the storyline lacked depth. Almost like you'd get started and then loose momentum with the change of scenery. Overall I do see improvement though so kudos on that, keep writing. |
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The original comeback kid
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Storm $hadow
Groupie Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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I'm not gonna waste time talking about your writing skill cause it will be more like trying to fill an already filled glass of water. I feel this piece, I get the message or at least, I think I do; From my perspective I could tell that the story was told from two point of view- First from the younger you who is into crime and second from the old you who got blasted. It's like time traveling where the past or present person involved in an ongoing situation(of which he is totally clueless of how it will end) get to meet the future him whom already knew the end result and the fate.
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Crim.. not bad homie. I think you could've gotten more depth with each section with a description. I felt as if you were just scratching the surface of the image you were trying to paint. Flow was good, even for short bar writers like me, could benefit from slightly longer ones, I liked your similies a little bit, some where too simple tho. I liked the concept, keep playing with that.
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Absolute Abomination
Standard Member Joined: 15 May 2015 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 556 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-3-0 Form: LLWW |
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I'm seeing multies and some in-rhyme of the same sound but not enough diversity for my liking. Plus some filler words kill the flow for me.
e.g. Done the deed made an escape, Kept to the dark i know this city's landscape, Done the deed...escape City...landscape If you changed kept to keep you get another full rhyme either way, there are still too many words between the rhyme scheme for how short the lines are. "Done the deed then made an escape Keep to the dark, I know the landscape" Sirens are now just a dull din, You'd think a grenade had blown via a pulled pin, dull din/pulled pin "Sirens are now just a dull din You'd think a grenade had blown, pulled pin" cuts out three syllables that aren't helping the flow so it's concise and sounds neater. Or a dead cop found in a bin, Because their looking for a man with black skin, in a bin/with black skin this one is hard to reword, but it's fine as is IMO. TL;DR too many words in between rhymes. try to add more internals. gw
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Show me a fortress and I'll show you a ruin.
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Thank you all guys for the feedback here,i will take on board the advice given,plus i'll
be returning the favour also,SS/iLL/DTK i've know youve dropped some bars recently in audio and text which i'll get to today at some point,again ppl thank you..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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