Open Mic: (Un)-Titled Hype.

I have a fragmented mind,
the kind that produces imagery like a mosaic,
Demented you'll find,
with mumbles & ramblings that could sound gaelic,
I can illuminate a cacoon,
i resemble a bright torch shinning on smoke particals,
Also i can accumulate deep thoughts,
as interesting as any of the world's news articals,
Im not oil but im refined,
as roads going uphill im inclined to share rhymes,
The universe acts out my mimes,
Births & death a curse that has a grand design,
Like stars that annex,
causing them to create Galaxies & the Nebula effect,
As if a sudden reflex,
i get complex as my thoughts are pressed into text,
They act like a gathering,
Of animals species that form a pact and create packs,
Leavin clues & tracks,
to trace back you'll feel it resembles readin an Almanac,
My aka is part visible,
like gas whilst my persona's more transparent than glass,
You read this in the past,
a deed that's linear cast in stages like the growin of grass,

whats up Champ? you know.. I saw you working on this and I was hoping youd drop it. usually you get a little gunshy and wait til its been sitting for awhile. so some fresh shit is dope. anyway.. lets go


I have a fragmented mind, 
the kind that produces imagery like a mosaic,
Demented you'll find, 
with mumbles & ramblings that could sound gaelic, 

the scheme is wild. altho, I would have changed "demented youll find" to "demented inside" or even "demented at times"..just comes off more natural. but to see you use a intergrated scheme like this is really dope. Ive watched you grow from only the end words rhyming, to little half bar schemes to full on rhyme schemes. its dope.


I can illuminate a cacoon, 
i resemble a bright torch shinning on smoke particals,
Also i can accumulate deep thoughts, 
as interesting as any of the world's news articals, 

the imagery was cool here. the last tandem wasnt my favorite, simply because generally world news is very surface, so I didnt get the deep tie in. but the top tandem was top notch.

Im not oil but im refined,
as roads going uphill im inclined to share rhymes, 
The universe acts out my mimes, 
Births & death a curse that has a grand design, 
Like stars that annex, 
causing them to create Galaxies & the Nebula effect,
As if a sudden reflex, 
i get complex as my thoughts are pressed into text,

definitely liked the annex nod lol. I think you couldve done a bit more with the oil theme. maybe a royalist/soil/refined.. maybe swing back around and grab a gas reference, which would then tie into your solar scheme. I dig this piece alot for its "fragmented" bits, as that was the opening narrative. just dont be shy to explore themes entirely. a fragmentation is just an unsolved puzzle. also, more to the scheme "get complex as dialect is pressed into text".. runs smoother.

They act like a gathering, 
Of animals species that form a pact and create packs, 
Leavin clues & tracks, 
to trace back you'll feel it resembles readin an Almanac, 
My aka is part visible, 
like gas whilst my persona's more transparent than glass, 
You read this in the past, 
a deed that's linear cast in stages like the growin of grass,

and theres that come together. so what I took from this piece, and ive been wrong before.. but what I took was.. you using the "creation process" to describe your "creative process" and painted "God" as a mad scientist whos a bit eccentric. anyway, I liked it alot Crim. your growth has been vast, sometime when youre bored you should go back a year or two in the OMs and read some of your early work just to truly appreciate how much youve learned, but also apply now. might make you post more, which wouldnt be a bad thing.

I have a fragmented mind,
the kind that produces imagery like a mosaic,
Demented you'll find,
with mumbles & ramblings that could sound gaelic,
Opening bars are real nice, imagery is flowing and as mentioned seeing you drop internals and a complex rhyme scheme is beyond dope. Big time elevation in the flesh right here

Unfortunately I can’t do a full breakdown atm but I mostly agree with what’s been said already. Really liked the imagery in the opening segment and how smoothly you incorporated a more advanced scheme. Though ‘gaelic’ in this instance doesn’t seem to be as natural/smooth, but I do think it’s one of the more original approaches. The highlight to me here was your middle segment with the ‘nebula’ and ‘annex’ references. The ‘almanac’ one was also highly intriguing and I eish you woilda expanded on that initial idea some more. There were a few times which I’d have changed the incorporation of a word or omitted it altogether, like the ‘also’ in the beginning or the mentioned ‘gaelic’ one. But overall there’s a great and very impressive improvement since the last time I seen your work (it’s been a while). Glad you shared this one, quite an enjoyable read.

This is my first time leaving any feedback here so il try make it as good as I can and il try lay it out in the same kind of way as every one else since it shows what bits they are talking a out at the time


I have a fragmented mind,
the kind that produces imagery like a mosaic,
Demented you'll find,
with mumbles & ramblings that could sound gaelic,
I can illuminate a cacoon,

As it has already been said this is some great imagery, I would of maybe changed rambling with rumbling but other than that I really like your word choice here

i resemble a bright torch shinning on smoke particals,
Also i can accumulate deep thoughts,
as interesting as any of the world's news articals,
Im not oil but im refined,
as roads going uphill im inclined to share rhymes,
The universe acts out my mimes,
Births & death a curse that has a grand design,

The bit for this part is going to be really similar to the first part you have solid imagery and spectacular word choice


Like stars that annex,
causing them to create Galaxies & the Nebula effect,
As if a sudden reflex,
i get complex as my thoughts are pressed into text

The rhymes here are a bit of a further stretch here but it can be forced so I wouldn't mind hearing an audio version of this to hear how this section would sound


They act like a gathering,
Of animals species that form a pact and create packs,
Leavin clues & tracks,
to trace back you'll feel it resembles readin an Almanac,
My aka is part visible,
like gas whilst my persona's more transparent than glass,
You read this in the past,
a deed that's linear cast in stages like the growin of grass

Very solid rhymes here right at the end here man

all in all I'd say it's a very nice rap, with some great imagery, you also show some good rhymes and rhyming schemes with very few areas I'd say need any work so well done, keep spitting fire, also I hope for a first attempt at feedback this is atleast partly helpful to you

In all honesty I didn't even realise it was your bars man haha like I didn't listen to it or give feedback just to get it in return however that is really appreciated because as you said feedback can help everyone involved and I'm glad it's refreshing to see the new alias I hope for everyone to see alot from me in future, with both feedback and adding my own stuff and you don't need to thank me man I'm more than happy to give your stuff a listen (or a read) and let you know what I think.