Open Mic: Lost the Real Me |
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 15 December 2017 at 7:29pm |
It’s been a minute since I jotted schemes ‘n I lost that high that marathon joggers speak wit Changed the tone of the music that I constant frequent Developed a new side of me that needs a polished treatment Opened me up to the past of my father leavin’ Waitin’ by the phone wastin’ life for him to call on weekends Even though that dial tone was my heart not beatin’ Cuz he was killin’ me inside though I’m alive yo I’m hardly breathin’!! Replaced love with liquor bottles I held when I missed you The comfortin’ warmth it gave me created a wealth of issues Denial showed it face before your health continued, to decline Like you to your own child & wonderin’ why heart failure ensues!! Heard you was suicidal… shit I’d go to hell to hit you Is it obvious how I numb my pain? You tell its misuse Talkin’ to the inner me nowadays with different words Not abusive but motivatin’ & validatin’ my children’s worth Investin’ in my family is somethin’ you never did, you jerk These fake smiles was a façade to show I didn’t hurt But the kid in me was cryin’ I even ripped my shirt & you not even dead… but I wish you were!! …Yeah…for a second I lost the real me...
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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It's been awhile since i've read a verse from you,good to see you posting up again,
This was a nice mixture of emotions here,which for me was the piece's highlight,it read with a slant of realness in parts,(despair/longing/denial/hate) all wrapped in detail,like the hugging of the bottle as well as finding comfort from it,i thought the rhyme scheme was simple here,but then it kept the whole verse in place and on course,allowing you to expose these inner feelings and torment,a very directed piece overall that read linear,nice read..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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im not gonna do bar for bar.. or even in stanzas or couplets. imma give my feelings on the whole. it started a bit.. stereotypically you to me.. and then just went super left. I will say, massive respect for breaking the cycle... I just recently had this talk with a buddy of mine.. but you dont even realize shit about shit until you have kids. its a wonderful world and im glad you embrace that shit. the ending kinda threw me off.. cause I am caught between wondering if by losing real you youre saying youre slipping into a dark place.. or if the dark place is the real you..know what I mean? anyway, enjoyable read. wasnt what I was expecting but was pleasantly surprised.
hope all is well stranger. |
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#Bananas
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Glad to see you posting again. I liked this, especially the authenticity behind every line kind of ‘elevated’ the read for me. You started off nicely with a, somewhat ‘light’, introspective statement. After the ‘polished treatment’ part the tone you employed intensified tremendously. I also appreciate how accessible the imagery was, it felt incredibly direct and personal (which is to be expected considering the content) and yet very vividly descriptive. The ‘motivatin and validatin’ bar was one of the highlights to me. Scheme was rather simple compared to your usual work, but it really aided in emphasising the content. Thanks for sharing.
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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Appreciate all the feedback.
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