Text Battle Archive: Slip Vs. Neek (topical)

July 29th, 2165

serendipity lost on the first manned mission to Mars
as we whished through the stars, feelin victorys ours
we hit a skid, ship dipped, we went twisting and hard
clipped a lip, on a cliff and bent several parts, harsh..

alarms rang out: All Systems Will Temporarily Halt

I grab the radio transmitter as Brad shivers
then deliver the bad news but the damn signal
is jammed.. I smirk w/ a half cynical laugh..."observe.."
was the mandate of our objective in the paperwork

we're stranded.. wounded and battered… but we landed.

ok, mind shifts to survival and less panic
if we open the escape plan hatches, we vanish
the beacon is only active on the ship, with captain
oxygen here says 46 hours - the suits less than half that

if we power back on, the mass gap gets elaborate
the rig is ripped to shreds.. and we're on the back end
rock.. hard place.. meme captions.. 21st century as if
or I can kill my friends and its less rations to ration…

rise quick, snatch the fireman hatchet from 5F
the biometrics grant access to a supply kit
I suit up, everyones eyes widened, quite freightened
"ill return if I live" - "keep tryin to break silence"

open the lock, crouch to five feet and close the top piece
the intercom gleams "simulator complete"

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Neek.

Your verse had a story board kind of feel about it,it rolled out the subject matter
in stages rather than one continuous piece,and going that route added a sense
of suspense i thought,and in truth it's a clever path to take as you have scope to
mix the tale up some,and even build up individual concepts per section,which is
kind of what you did, and your assonance within was sailing this ship along just
nicely too,the details in this drop were also good and subtle,but via the flow and
using the same sounding vowels sort of glossed over them really,i also liked the
survival mode you depicted,the waying up of options on the rations,and the end-
ing was cool also,nice read..


Slip.

I thought you set your stall out early here by going down the road of using details,
and damn you used them well too to be honest,you played it steady but sure doing
it,and your drop read very linear indeed,which made it a pacey read on the whole,&
via details this piece had a time frame to work from also,(watching he's friends die
one by one until he's the last ain't happening too quickly),what i did miss though in
this verse was a starting point,like what caused the damage to the craft to put you
in that situation?,after going the descriptive route it seems a bit of an anti climax
not to of had one,still it's only a minor niggle for me to digest,it didn't hurt the verse
in any way i'll just add,nice read..


Overall a close one on the surface of things,but for different reasons via their presentations,one went down the detail route the other mechanics,both wrote
a good OM on the theme of a stranded Astronaut,now i've reread these verse a
few times now,and still i find it hard to decide who got this,and guys it does pains
me to have too after this showing,but I'm going to give this to Neek,here's why,all
that i could see that separates you both is creativity and approach,(i know,sad
right?),sorry Slip you matched him in every other field,but he did have that bit of pazazz,where your had a (kind of) start/end methodical approach..


Vote..Neek...peace.
   

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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neek, good story going from top to bottom. I liked how it grew and how it went to the mindset of killing the others for survival. it was just cool to see him weighing the options. this grabbed my attention from the start since its an exciting crash landing. this was good story telling because of the twist at the end of it being a simulation. it was easy to imagine everything. Nigma played all the characters in my head.


slip, firstly I enjoyed all your rhyming as well as the little bits of alliteration.

I do want to mention I think these bars should have been flipped in order

ruptured hoses hissing oxygen like Intergalactic snakes

a deafening crash rocks the shuttle, whole place shakes

back to the story. for a story this short you wanted too much and had to many names thrown around. the story had good imagery and description.


overall, MVGT Neek. that story from top to bottom was very attention grabbing and smooth. I never really read your topicals or maybe just haven't seen them. but I think this is my favorite type of writing from you (between this and disses)