Open Mic: Summer Storm; a monsoon |
Post Reply |
Author | |
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Posted: 23 April 2018 at 1:54pm |
She passed me by with a hint of magnolia How strange it is, the sweet scent of a story a boy remembers; Bustlin street corners, festivities and plenty of coronas Her brown hair soft as a handful of ground grain Subtle yet engaging in her movement. Her wink was the opener She waved me over, feeling spontaneous Her mediterranean radiance flagrant, sits at a different gradient And I kept walking. Tumbling over the angles of craziness Cuz of reasons unknown to me, and both spirits and aliens... And so we hum
|
|
#Bananas
|
|
daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
This is the common problem us men have. A woman makes a small subtle gesture and we dont really know how to interpret it. Like when a lady gives you the "fuck me" eyes but shes a virgin. This was nice.
|
|
Endeavor
Senior Moderator Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle Joined: 03 April 2009 Location: Your kitchen Status: Offline Points: 10000102 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-4-0 Form: WWLWLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
^ lmaooooooo
|
|
#Bananas
|
|
Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
i already mentioned to you in the chat that i really fucks with this piece. it was loaded with very vivid imagery. My fav segment was definitely the "different gradient" line. i do short films and gradient, in addition to its conventional usage, in editing it refers to color spectrum. Not sure you meant it to be, but that little tidbit adds quite a nice dimension to the piece.
|
|
|
|
spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
Really enjoyed that part in the middle
Starting with “Her wink was the opener” That phrase was very visual man Continuing on to the fragrance/gradient line, that was some cool wording and rhyming |
|
|
|
CHAIN
Standard Member Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
|
|
|
|
GlockeD
Banned Joined: 27 April 2018 Status: Offline Points: 15 |
Post Options
Likes(0)
|
sounds like an enlightenment poem the way you worded it "she passed me by" why not just say she passed by me like a regular person but i guess u tryna make it seem more poetic and sophisticated which is cool. u included a lot of good descriptions and vivid detail but the structure kinda threw me off i read it and the flow didnt work but i see u put some rhymes at the end of the following bar but it still threw me off. anyway i can tell ur a very talented writer u have talent , i really like the wink was the opener line like spume said. |
|
Post Reply | |
Tweet
|
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|