Open Mic: Summer Storm; a monsoon

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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

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    Posted: 23 April 2018 at 1:54pm

 
She passed me by with a hint of magnolia
How strange it is,
the sweet scent of a story a boy remembers;
Bustlin street corners, festivities and plenty of coronas
Her brown hair soft as a handful of ground grain
Subtle yet engaging in her movement. Her wink was the opener
She waved me over, feeling spontaneous
Her mediterranean radiance flagrant, sits at a different gradient
And I kept walking. Tumbling over the angles of craziness
Cuz of reasons unknown to me, and both spirits and aliens...
And so we hum
#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote daydizzle89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 April 2018 at 4:14pm
This is the common problem us men have. A woman makes a small subtle gesture and we dont really know how to interpret it. Like when a lady gives you the "fuck me" eyes but shes a virgin. This was nice.
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Wiggle wiggle said the bun that jiggle

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Endeavor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 April 2018 at 4:19pm
^ lmaooooooo
#Bananas

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 April 2018 at 5:32pm
i already mentioned to you in the chat that i really fucks with this piece. it was loaded with very vivid imagery. My fav segment was definitely the "different gradient" line. i do short films and gradient, in addition to its conventional usage, in editing it refers to color spectrum. Not sure you meant it to be, but that little tidbit adds quite a nice dimension to the piece. 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 April 2018 at 7:56pm
Really enjoyed that part in the middle
Starting with “Her wink was the opener” That phrase was very visual man
Continuing on to the fragrance/gradient line, that was some cool wording and rhyming

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote CHAIN Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 April 2018 at 5:05pm
Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

She passed me by with a hint of magnolia
How strange it is,
the sweet scent of a story a boy remembers;


A creative visual...a ripe visual if I may. Very rich.

Bustlin street corners, festivities and plenty of coronas


Now see. This part wasnt a 'vibe' to me.
Pull up if you feel a kinda way about it
Her brown hair soft as a handful of ground grain
Subtle yet engaging in her movement. Her wink was the opener


Liiiight
She waved me over, feeling spontaneous
Her mediterranean radiance flagrant, sits at a different gradient


Okay. Now we're talking.

And I kept walking. Tumbling over the angles of craziness
Cuz of reasons unknown to me, and both spirits and aliens...
And so we hum



Mmmmmmm.

Took a while for you get it popping. But it was lit
+Sick-Witted+
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote GlockeD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 April 2018 at 5:54pm
Originally posted by Endeavor Endeavor wrote:

 
She passed me by with a hint of magnolia
How strange it is,
the sweet scent of a story a boy remembers;
Bustlin street corners, festivities and plenty of coronas
Her brown hair soft as a handful of ground grain
Subtle yet engaging in her movement. Her wink was the opener
She waved me over, feeling spontaneous
Her mediterranean radiance flagrant, sits at a different gradient
And I kept walking. Tumbling over the angles of craziness
Cuz of reasons unknown to me, and both spirits and aliens...
And so we hum


sounds like an enlightenment poem the way you worded it "she passed me by" why not just say she passed by me like a regular person but i guess u tryna make it seem more poetic and sophisticated which is cool. u included a lot of good descriptions and vivid detail but the structure kinda threw me off i read it and the flow didnt work but i see u put some rhymes at the end of the following bar but it still threw me off. anyway i can tell ur a very talented writer u have talent , i really like the wink was the opener line like spume said.
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