Open Mic: Last Call |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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Posted: 13 June 2018 at 9:25pm |
As we touch the cold rushes the tip of my fingers |
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Neek
Site Moderator Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
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Ill be honest, at first I thought this was going to be some super slick twist and spin on the "last call" relating to "one more shot" with a gal, with the bar atmosphere set up to be an entire double entandre. tables turning.. etc.
at any rate, this still had all the romance my wild imagination desired. it was a nice tale of a night out and a comedic approach to an addiction. seemed simple at a glance, but held some neatness in there. in particular buzzed/stinger. I just wish you carried into "nothing could be her"...cheesy..maybe? but I dig that kinda shit. anyway rhet. nice piece. |
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#Bananas
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Vellum
Standard Member Joined: 07 October 2013 Location: Connecticut Status: Offline Points: 492 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 24-2-1 Form: WWWWWW |
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Bar top stories as people slip in the door
Let loose. Stool legs barely kissing the floor that was just awesome!! I love the imagery, flow and the rhymes the rarest friendship line was off the hook. this whole shit was nicely done. good job man
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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Nicely written,the imagery was vivid as fuck (pardon my language there),and
that title was so fitting also,i got a real ripe kick out of this piece here,and in all honesty was slightly mislead at the start,as i thought it was going to read of a love/woman,but the subtle hints clued me in as i read it so props for the participation aspect,there it came off to me as an affair with booze that an alcoholic would treasure,or atleast probably see it as through their rose tints, like the consuming a beer in a glass,mimics the removing of a woman's dress so to type,but all done in a tasteful manner too,plus it read with an ease a ball bearing has with grease,smooth,i liked this one,it's a shame there isn't any KOTM for this to be an entry,thanks for the alternative prospective with a quaint depth here,a real solid read,one of the best since I got out of hospital..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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This was dope my man. Good imagery, nice multis, nice internals and mechanics. Overall it was completely smooth no hiccups in the flow.
It’s like you wrote this for Beans. Although he went much farther back than 12 steps. I think he died. I loved your opener and closer the most. Only thing that was ehh was the phone sling off the ringer. But that could also be a difference of dialect. Dope job broseph |
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alicewonder
Standard Member Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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It’s great to be reading another piece from you. Your work usually reminds me of another favourite writer of mine, deadman, stylistically speaking, which is amazing. I really enjoyed the tone you set this in, it never really lost momentum which I’m appreciate of. You depicted the scenery and ultimately the addiction in an almost admirable, beautiful way. I enjoyed the varying references and allusions you had throughout. Imagery was strong at most places, the „drops of your body spread over the rocks“ segment was my favourite, probably cos it had just the right balance of poetic and relatable value to me. Really nice work per usual.
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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mannn this was fuckin dope.
the crux of this piece was this: "You’ll be there as long as it takes to forget" this was definitely a powering offering. as usual, u came with some very precise wording and imagery. your writer voice has always been elite tier and this piece definitely attest to that. its really refined. def one of my top 5 writers on any site man. i just wish you would drop more lol. thanks.
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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thanks everyone, feedback will be returned over the next day or two
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daydizzle89
Superior Member Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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you always have that powerhouse technique. You make it look easy and with work like this you know u audio. Sick ass concept. I dabble in the alcoholic diet and this was pure bruh. Dope shit
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