Open Mic: Tripping within |
Post Reply 
|
| Author | |
daydizzle89 
Superior Member 
Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
 Post Options
 Likes(0)
 Quote Reply
 Topic: Tripping withinPosted: 15 June 2018 at 4:50pm |
 Self power grows through formless knowledge
Not from touring campuses for a college Pay homage to the infinity at the core of the cosmics Transcendence is the reflection of a mortal bondage Quantum awareness inspires shocking truth Wholeness corresponds with the Chakra's rule The garlic's root of eternal stillness is entangled Intuition explores the illness with rational angles Obtuse universal potential within strangled Faith goes and the ego is mirrored with existential matter the world unfolds in fear of sequential disasters particles of matter on a collision course with reactions Fractals and patterns forced into patterns of contractions The birth of the universe happening in fragments The unpredictable gives rise to progressive expansion When love is left off the menu, The world is filled with blackness God grace unfolds into a paradox of blasphemous physics As the universe expands, Humans grasp to wisdom |
|
 |
|
|
daydizzle89
Superior Member
Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 19 June 2018 at 9:55pm |
|
bump |
|
|
|
|
Sammy
Site Moderator 
Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2223 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 20 June 2018 at 1:52am |
|
dizz this is nasty, bro. the theme and the concept reminds me much of Self but obviously you made it your own with ur rhyming and dictions. theres a lot of musing in this verse and some interesting ideas:
Intuition explores the illness with rational angles and of course this line was my fav: The birth of the universe happening in fragments overeall i feel this verse may be about chaos ensuing if a certain intrinsic value is not upheld. which i can agree with. very nice, sir. |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Neek
Site Moderator
Super Mario Slaughterer Joined: 05 October 2004 Status: Offline Points: 3862 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-1-0 Form: LWWW |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 20 June 2018 at 2:09am |
|
Self power grows through formless knowledge
Not from touring campuses for a college Pay homage to the infinity at the core of the cosmics Transcendence is the reflection of a mortal bondage I like where this is going. kinda has a duality vibe to it. Quantum awareness inspires shocking truth Wholeness corresponds with the Chakra's rule The garlic's root of eternal stillness is entangled Intuition explores the illness with rational angles what illness tho? mental illness? God complex? I cant even front slightly lost Obtuse universal potential within strangled Faith goes and the ego is mirrored with existential matter the world unfolds in fear of sequential disasters particles of matter on a collision course with reactions this shit past me bro. I kinda get the feeling that youre trying to balance creation with evolution and perhaps argue in favor of both? Fractals and patterns forced into patterns of contractions The birth of the universe happening in fragments The unpredictable gives rise to progressive expansion When love is left off the menu, The world is filled with blackness God grace unfolds into a paradox of blasphemous physics As the universe expands, Humans grasp to wisdom yeah Dizz.. overall, I dug it..but I feel its past me in terms of concept. but these types of drops are where you shine, imo. yo disses are viscious and you push boundaries like no other, but your existential drops are the real money. sorry im stupid :( |
|
|
#Bananas
|
|
|
|
|
Nigma
Site Moderator
Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4077 Crew: Elision   |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 20 June 2018 at 3:03am |
|
Self power grows through formless knowledge
Not from touring campuses for a college Pay homage to the infinity at the core of the cosmics Transcendence is the reflection of a mortal bondage cool intro. at the end of the first bar i think you missed an opportunity to add a nifty internal by duplicating 'for a' to match the syllable count from the previous line. not that it makes sense but something like 'for a formal college'. when you get strict with your syllable count often times youll find lines that lack a syllable. if you go through your verse at the end and find these areas and treat them as opportunities to improve the technicality of the lines, doors open. i like this direction of content tho Quantum awareness inspires shocking truth Wholeness corresponds with the Chakra's rule cool lil assonance internal with shocking/corresponds/chakra. content seems pseudo-woke-esque-ish here tho The garlic's root of eternal stillness is entangled Intuition explores the illness with rational angles Obtuse universal potential within strangled the large paragraph i wrote at the start also applies here. the obtuse here not only kinda funked the flow up but wasnt relevant enough to be immune from change. you know what, ill say it. fuck that whole line. fuck it. Faith goes and the ego is mirrored with existential matter the world unfolds in fear of sequential disasters when i read ahead and see two syllable 'ions' end rhymes i usually stab needles into my eyeballs instead of reading it because i find that to be a more pleasurable experience. particles of matter on a collision course with reactions Fractals and patterns forced into patterns of contractions PAIN The birth of the universe happening in fragments The unpredictable gives rise to progressive expansion When love is left off the menu, The world is filled with blackness God grace unfolds into a paradox of blasphemous physics As the universe expands, Humans grasp to wisdom really dope ending. overall some cool content, a few iffy spots, definite room for polish, but overall a cool little read.
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
rhetorical
Site Moderator
Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 20 June 2018 at 1:51pm |
|
seems like a topic @Self Activate would go after
 first and foremost, vocab is solid as fuck. thats really the first thing that popped out to me. the verse had a very honest and serene tone to it.... maybe its just my chakra aligning hahah. My writing is always dark so its refreshing to read drops that have a more positive message to drive home, its like a vacation from myself lol. I really enjoyed this one dizz, said a lot without being drawn out and over bearing, great mechanics, and again, awesome word choices and vocab. keep the pen moving fam
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
spume corrupt
Superior Member
Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
Post Options
Likes(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 21 June 2018 at 6:32pm |
|
I did enjoy the read fam, the vocabulary was dope and the rhyming is cool
I just fear my head would explode if I tried to fathom the depths of this drop! I am a surface dweller my brother |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
Post Reply
|
|
Tweet
|
| Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |
|
Topic Search
Topic Options