Open Mic: Memory Lake |
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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Posted: 07 September 2018 at 4:12am |
"Memory Lake" By Samnotsowise In a way, it's not a place i like to revisit the mindless contingent resting solely on the timing. I tried, but the blur becomes thicker as the years came and went. |
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rhetorical
Site Moderator Joined: 14 February 2014 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 807 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-0 Form: WWL |
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only thing im going to nit pick is in the very first bar is wish you put 'timid' instead of 'timing' (unless you meant too, but did a typo . .which in that case, DOPE!)
but moving beyond that. . you have a real flare for the poetics my man. I imagine that behind the screen, you post these kind of verses.. then you drop your keyboard and walk away lol . . never an over abundance of anything really, just finely tuned and balanced to execute your subject matter. sometimes, i tend to batter my metaphors so much that i almost feel like im pushing a disconnect with the reader and the human element to my work. thats where you excel over me imo. . its easy to connect because your so good at putting those 'human elements' in there . . . u killed it my dude
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Crimson Juice
Site Moderator Joined: 20 December 2015 Location: U.K. Status: Offline Points: 3258 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LLWLW |
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First off Sammy i'll give you credit here,due to the nature of this subject
i thought you did really well,as the topic/theme ties your hands up some what,other than the sentimental value of the lake/material,its hard to pool extra content as this piece had a set path,which was hard to deviate from, because any deviation would of diluted the nostalgia/emotions,instead of it being a endearing piece,it would turned into a more open world theme, which would of cost this verse its sentiment slant,so i guess that's also a salute to the mechanics and rhyme scheme here,which were nice let me just add,enjoyed this one Ripe verse dude..peace. |
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"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance". |
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Concrete
Standard Member Joined: 02 September 2013 Location: Oslo Status: Offline Points: 1418 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 33-6-0 Form: WWWWWW |
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poetics and writing technics aside, I think the strength of this piece is how you convey the kinda sublime yet melancholic emotion, with less words. the sense of inevitable loss that comes with living and thus aging, and forgetting. the "blur becomes thicker" made me feel for the guy, props
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
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You poetic motherfucker. The emotion you brought out with the limited words used was really special. You have... an elegance to your poetry that connects both luxury and simplicity. You can make people connect with the loss and that lake and the senses you bring on us as a reader. God damn you, man.
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Dntplywelwitothers
Groupie Joined: 30 November 2013 Status: Offline Points: 172 |
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You definitely have a way with pulling a vivid story out of an image. You bring you subjects to life, giving the reader a connection that feels genuine. The imagery is great, I like how you first share the memories of your subject...and then go into how all of that is fading ... first going through his high ...bonding the reader...then his low...impacting the reader. You hit on very subtle detail, adding to the sincerity of this piece, like,not hearing the parade anymore, and the candy corn losing its taste. Definitely an enjoyable read bruh. Peace.
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"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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Sammy
Site Moderator Beacon of Light Joined: 24 October 2015 Status: Offline Points: 2222 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 1-1-1 Form: LNW |
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yo thanks for the looks, family! will be doing a round of feed today while completing the mag.
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Honestly Sammy
I wasn’t sure at first, obviously it’s different than my usual preference but still It was captivating in a way I read the first eight or so lines over and over a few times and had to keep starting again because I wasn’t sure why I was feeling this! Convinced Then I read it through start to finish When you said 70 this shit became complete Nice writing main |
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Lord Puente
Newbie Final Boss Joined: 05 July 2016 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 1814 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 4-2-0 Form: LWWWLW |
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How this whole thing about a lake but you ain’t use aquatic once? Shit is grabage. Not just any garbage but the garbage by the bathroom stall garbage.
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spume corrupt
Superior Member Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3162 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Yeah that was like I set LP up for the punchline
Complete Garbage But you harness that garbage juice Sammy and you convert it to showcase on a talent you have |
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