Open Mic: Memory Lake

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Sammy View Drop Down
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    Posted: 07 September 2018 at 4:12am


"Memory Lake"

By Samnotsowise


In a way, it's not a place i like to revisit

the mindless contingent resting solely on the timing. 
Intrinsic memories of us swimming behind the rivulet.
toes touched beneath the surface..
was i nervous? yes. 
Soaking wet, I turned left to avoid your gaze; boy I was lame.
Still your voice paraded my boyhood lane.
Candy corned cordial play
4th of July spark in your eyes
Was never a sappy guy
But the sultry night made it ok
The noise had since faded...

it been years, babe, since i've seen this lake
our lake. the veneer’s the same, 
Though, i couldn't hear the parade anymore.
Or the blaze of the 4th
Even the candy corn had lost its taste
But my ultimate fear was forgetting this place.
forgetting how our limbs touch. forgetting your grace.
what a way to spend my 70th, huh?
i swear, babe. 

I tried, but the blur becomes thicker as the years came and went.
I had to revisit again. 
its as you remember it...we remember it. Our memory lake.



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rhetorical View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote rhetorical Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 September 2018 at 5:01am
only thing im going to nit pick is in the very first bar is wish you put 'timid' instead of 'timing' (unless you meant too, but did a typo . .which in that case, DOPE!) 

but moving beyond that. . you have a real flare for the poetics my man. I imagine that behind the screen, you post these kind of verses.. then you drop your keyboard and walk away lol . . never an over abundance of anything really, just finely tuned and balanced to execute your subject matter. sometimes, i tend to batter my metaphors so much that i almost feel like im pushing a disconnect with the reader and the human element to my work. thats where you excel over me imo. . its easy to connect because your so good at putting those 'human elements' in there . . . u killed it my dude 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 September 2018 at 2:08pm
First off Sammy i'll give you credit here,due to the nature of this subject
i thought you did really well,as the topic/theme ties your hands up some
what,other than the sentimental value of the lake/material,its hard to pool
extra content as this piece had a set path,which was hard to deviate from,
because any deviation would of diluted the nostalgia/emotions,instead of
it being a endearing piece,it would turned into a more open world theme,
which would of cost this verse its sentiment slant,so i guess that's also a
salute to the mechanics and rhyme scheme here,which were nice let me
just add,enjoyed this one Ripe verse dude..peace.
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Concrete Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 September 2018 at 3:23pm
poetics and writing technics aside, I think the strength of this piece is how you convey the kinda sublime yet melancholic emotion, with less words. the sense of inevitable loss that comes with living and thus aging, and forgetting. the "blur becomes thicker" made me feel for the guy, props 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote iLL ScriptureZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 September 2018 at 3:40pm
You poetic motherfucker. The emotion you brought out with the limited words used was really special. You have... an elegance to your poetry that connects both luxury and simplicity. You can make people connect with the loss and that lake and the senses you bring on us as a reader. God damn you, man. 
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Dntplywelwitothers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 September 2018 at 1:07pm
You definitely have a way with pulling a vivid story out of an image. You bring you subjects to life, giving the reader a connection that feels genuine. The imagery is great, I like how you first share the memories of your subject...and then go into how all of that is fading ... first going through his high ...bonding the reader...then his low...impacting the reader. You hit on very subtle detail, adding to the sincerity of this piece, like,not hearing the parade anymore, and the candy corn losing its taste. Definitely an enjoyable read bruh. Peace.
"My name has the most shout outs in the history of rap...."
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Sammy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 September 2018 at 6:59pm
yo thanks for the looks, family! will be doing a round of feed today while completing the mag. 


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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 September 2018 at 8:31pm
Honestly Sammy
I wasn’t sure at first, obviously it’s different than my usual preference but still It was captivating in a way
I read the first eight or so lines over and over a few times and had to keep starting again because I wasn’t sure why I was feeling this! Convinced
Then I read it through start to finish
When you said 70 this shit became complete
Nice writing main

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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Lord Puente Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 September 2018 at 8:48pm
How this whole thing about a lake but you ain’t use aquatic once? Shit is grabage. Not just any garbage but the garbage by the bathroom stall garbage.
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Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote spume corrupt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 September 2018 at 9:08pm
Yeah that was like I set LP up for the punchline
Complete Garbage
But you harness that garbage juice Sammy and you convert it to showcase on a talent you have

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