Text Battle Archive: Topical Battle: RosenBoss vs Crimson Juice (2-2)

Rendering a animate my will is to create,
splattings of colour brings to life my mosaic,
I'm tasked to formulate a portrait,
a mirrored view that could resonate in the house of Tate,
To create a piece that's grand,
like clothes on a line so from house to Museum it can hang,
With brush in hand the image starts to expand,
i add a textured effect by mixing in sand,
With each stroke my desire is to invoke,
emotions that prod & pull in the viewer,even poke,
To raise a curiosity like a fire that's been stoked,
so it calls out to them like it just spoke,
I blend colour on my pallet like i'm whisking up batter,
i make it a paste to avoid any splatter,
Vibrant tones produced using my gray matter,
in my minds eye this pallet then becomes a platter,

Edited by Crimson Juice - 17 September 2018 at 4:56pm

Don't forget this one, guys!

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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CJ

You have some intriguing word choices here, and got me googling on a couple of occasions ... the first being 'a animate' right at the start, and that did break the flow for me before it even started.
If it was a noun it would be 'an animate', but I'm pretty sure it's only a verb or adjective though ... but if you had said 'as animate' (so it could read as an adjective), then my quibble is fixed ... and I can see it's now a pretty dope first 2 lines.
(The other one I queried was 'splattings', cos I feel like splatting isn't a noun, but I couldn't be bothered to confirm this).
So, that's the first 2 lines, but after that I start to find the rhythm rather difficult to follow.
The narrative overall was decent, and in keeping with the image, but I felt the wording and rhyming was a bit simplistic and in some cases a bit clunky (like the 'like clothes on a line' line).
Sounds like I am just being critical, so here are some random lines other than the opener that I also liked:

With brush in hand the image starts to expand, i add a textured effect by mixing in sand,

To raise a curiosity like a fire that's been stoked, so it calls out to them like it just spoke,

RB

I felt this flowed pretty well throughout, I can see that some thought was put into that.
And touches like "I'm tired of trying to hide...." with the repeated hard 'I' sound ... whether planned or not, or noticed or not, does help with that.
The end rhyming comes across OK at first glance, but on closer inspection is just one and two syllable rhymes at best, so definitely room for more complexity here.
(Funny though that where you did have a decent multi, you sabotaged it with a blatant typo, "pretend to be" / "rember me").
Speaking of which, "identity" would have gone well with that too, however, how it was used in the opener, I would say doesn't work. You could argue that "conformity" / "identity" share 2 identical syllables so they must rhyme!
But I'd say it's more about which are stressed and unstressed syllables.
So "con-FORM-ity" / "I-DENT-ity" don't work too well IMO.
As for the overall content, there was clear relevance to the picture without being to literal and coming across flat because of it.
I thought the concept used was good, but execution-wise I felt something was missing.
I liked ...

But I'm tired of trying to hide the burning desire I am more than a blank stare inside there is a fire

I know I'm greater than the man I pretend to be

Did NOT like ...

privilidge

Would have much preferred ...

privilege

So, nothing particularly wowed me here, but both bringing their own elements to what probably resulted in a close battle.
But for me, for a more creative approach and a smoother read ... MFVGT RosenJim

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

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Before I compare the two, and state the positives, I will say that both of you slightly lessened the impact of your pieces with some sloppy wording.

splattings of colour brings to life my mosaic,
I'm tasked to formulate a portrait,

Society has forced me to follow conformity
Stripping away any piece of my self identity

Both of you fucked the flow a bit by not having a clean end multi. Don't get me wrong, big fan of half rhymes and that, but sometimes stuff just doesn't fit naturally. And in both of these cases, early on in both of your pieces, I found myself hopping over an awkward rhyme.

Crim - Some good lines, showed some knowledge of art lingo which added authenticity to your story. Such as the line about mixing in sand. Bit how a drug dealer Rapper enthasises their lifestyle by talking about the process, you did this, but with a topic. I have seen you go a lot more complex before, and this read as some light - at times awkwardly worded - work from you.

Rosenboss - You had some decent concepts, such as not painting a wallflower but painting the town. I appreciate that you tried to steer it away from being exclusively about art. However you seemed out of ideas towards the end, petering out pretty badly. Also, you really need to concentrate on those end multis. If it reads awkward to you, it will to the audience.

Mvgt Crim.

3-2 to me.